


Mohae

by ellielovesck



Category: ATEEZ (Band), Dreamcatcher (Korea Band), GOT7, Monsta X (Band), NCT (Band), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Romance, Break Up, Eventual Romance, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Gay, Gay Sex, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Multi, Oral Sex, Post-Break Up, Romance, Rough Sex, Semi-Public Sex, Smut, Threesome - F/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:55:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 32
Words: 61,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24446938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellielovesck/pseuds/ellielovesck
Summary: You and Changkyun have been madly in love since you were both sixteen. But, when it all falls apart and you find yourself single for the first time in seven years, you decide to waste NO time in playing the field to make up for your prime dating years lost. A multi-fandom adventure ensues in which you stumble in and out of the hearts of a string of eligible bachelors, searching for something you can’t quite name.Disclaimer: this is mainly Monsta X, but it is also DEFINITELY multi-fandom, so please do not stomp your little last season Prada heels at me if you do not like that.Rating: 18+ (individuals warnings per chapter)
Relationships: Chae Hyungwon/Lee Minhyuk, Im Changkyun | I.M/Reader, Im Jaebum | JB/You, Jackson Wang/You, Kim Bora | SuA/Lee Yoobin | Dami, Kim Namjoon | RM/Reader, Lee Hoseok | Wonho/Son Hyunwoo | Shownu, Lee Jooheon/Reader, Mark Tuan/Jackson Wang, Mark Tuan/You, Suh Youngho | Johnny/Reader
Comments: 65
Kudos: 124





	1. Someone You Loved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N has some troublemaking friends who are *very* convincing...

“My life is over.”

Minhyuk, my roommate, sighed and placed a comforting hand on my head and patted my hair gently. I was lying face-down in his bed, which was better than doing so in my _own_ bed, because that’s where Changkyun and I used to… we used to…

“God, I’m gonna have to purge all of my belongings,” I moaned, my voice slightly muffled in Min’s sheets. “Everything is going to remind me of him. Even my bed!”

“You’re going to buy a new bed?” As always, Min’s tone was devoid of judgment, but a small part of me knew I was being ridiculous anyway.

“Do you know how many times we had sex in that bed?” I half-shouted before shoving my face back into the pillow. Maybe if I was lucky, I could smother myself to death.

Our other roommate, Bora, snorted quietly from the doorway. “Yeah,” she replied. “We heard you.”

Min quickly shushed her as I let out an involuntary sob.

“Listen, kid,” sighed Min. “You’re in the prime of your youth. There is simply no point in wasting a perfectly good Saturday night weeping over a boy.”

I let out another sob. Minhyuk knew better than anyone that Changkyun wasn’t just any boy. He was _the_ boy. We’d known each other forever. He used to pull my hair on the playground and then I would kick him in the shins on our walk home from school. When we were sixteen, we finally realized we’d been in love our entire lives… and the rest was history.

Well, until now.

“I just c-c-can’t believe it’s over,” I blabbered between sobs. The mattress shifted slightly as Bora came over and sat down beside me. Her and Min both rubbed gentle circles into my back while I cried. “Just like that! Seven years down the drain!”

“This is a great opportunity to spend some time being single,” Bora offered.

“That sounds horrible,” I groaned.

“She has a point,” Minhyuk added. “But, it’s also a great opportunity to play the field.”

I sniffled and lifted my head to meet his deep brown gaze. “What do you mean?”

“Y/N, you’ve been with the same guy practically since puberty. He was your first kiss, your first fuck… but also your _only_ kiss and your _only_ fuck,” Min explained. “The way I see it, life is handing you a beautiful opportunity to see what else there is out there.”

“Genius,” Bora sighed. “Minnie, I love your mind.”

I shifted onto my back and looked up at my two best friends. They looked concerned, which made me feel concerned. Usually I was the one who had it together, who had the perfect life and the perfect advice for all of their troubles. 

But, now everything I thought I knew had completely turned to dust. Past, present, and future.

God, this was bleak.

Maybe they had a point. Sure, I’d wasted seven years of my youth in a relationship that amounted to nothing, but that didn’t mean it was time to give up. It wasn’t time to resign myself to being an old, crazy cat lady. 

“Okay…” I sighed. I sat up gingerly. “But… but, what if he’s the only boy I’ll ever love like that?” 

And just like that, my bottom lip started trembling.

“ _Hey_ ,” Bora whispered, somehow both aggressive and affectionate at the same time as she grabbed my chin and forced me to meet her gaze. “You are twenty-three, hot as hell, and incredibly charming. You’re a great catch! You could have any man you want, and I’m not just saying that.”

Min nodded passionately in agreement. “She’s right. Stop worrying about love. Start thinking about _fun._ ”

At his words, for the first time in three days, a small smile crept onto the corners of my lips. “Okay… sure. But I’ll need a lot of alcohol.”

Bora _whooped_ loudly and threw her arms up in the air. “Yaaaaa! Slutty Y/N takes on the town!” 

I giggled as she started jumping up and down on Min’s bed.

Min grabbed her and tried to pull her back down onto the mattress, but they ended up toppling off the edge onto the floor together. Bora popped back up immediately and practically danced her way out of the room.

“I’ll text Dami and see if she can get us into Medicine!” She yelled, already prancing off to her own room.

Min sighed and stood up, shaking his head at our chaotic friend. One of the perks of keeping her around, though, was that her girlfriend Dami worked in event management for some of the most exclusive clubs in the city. It almost always guaranteed us a spot on the list, even when the most exclusive VIPs were present.

In fact, that was how Changkyun had gotten his dream job last year as a music producer… he’d managed to introduce himself to the CEO at a well-known label and slip him a sample. He got a call the next morning.

Min could tell my mind had traveled back to thoughts of Changkyun and sighed softly. “Come on, cupcake,” he said, scooping me up in his arms and carrying me to my own bedroom. “Let’s get you dressed for a night of whoring about.”

Two hours later, I was dressed in a tight black jumpsuit that hugged my curves and left my collarbones and shoulders bare, which Bora had dusted with a soft shimmering powder.

“It’s slutty, but, like, _classy_ slutty,” she’d said.

I felt amazing. I rarely got dressed up like this anymore. I’d always been too busy studying or too happy to be lounging around in sweats with Changkyun.

_Nope. No Changkyun thoughts right now. That boy is off limits in your mind tonight._

The three of us got into the club, called Medicine (for some reason), with ease and met Dami at the bar. She hugged Min first briefly and then drew me into a very tight, long embrace. 

“Hey, pretty,” she said, offering me a sad smile. Her short hair was pulled back in a cute little ponytail tonight. “I heard about you and—“

“Nope!” Bora shouted, unsurprisingly loud and clear over the pounding bass as she cut off her girlfriend before she could utter the forbidden name. “None of that tonight!”

Dami sighed and gave me one last quick hug. “Okay!” She said. “Let’s just get the baby slut drunk then?”

“Now _that’s_ what I’m talking about,” Min said, motioning for the bartender.

Way too much soju later, the four of us were jumping about on the dance floor, screaming along to some old pop punk song from our teenage days. According to Dami, the club was having a throwback night and playing all the hits of the early 2000’s. 

And, despite everything, I felt happy. I had my amazing friends, I was warm from the alcohol, and I could feel the music booming in my veins. I lifted my arms up to the industrial rafters above us and smiled. My life wasn’t over. My life had _just_ begun.

“Hey, isn’t that—?” Minhyuk tapped me on my shoulder and pressed his lips to my ear to be heard over the music. I glanced over to one of the booths on the edge of the dance floor to where he was gesturing.

“Oh, my God,” I gasped, my smile growing bigger.

“It is him, isn’t it?” Minhyuk asked, eyes growing wide. “Oh, _goodness…_ ”

I snorted. There was only one man who could make Min curse like a 1950’s housewife: one of my best friends from childhood, who also happened to be an incredibly famous male model now… Hyungwon.

His eyes met mine from across the club almost immediately and he broke into a wide grin.

Giggling, I dashed away from the others on the dance floor and hurried over to the lanky, beautiful creature that I hadn’t seen in over a year.

“Wonnie!” I squealed, leaping into his arms.

He laughed loudly in response and lifted me up off the floor. “Hey, gorgeous! What are you doing here?” 

Hyungwon put me back down on the floor but we kept our arms wrapped around each other. I smiled up at him. Like, _up_ at him. The dude was tall.

“Me? What are you doing here?” I asked in response. “I haven’t seen you in ages.”

“I’ve been in Paris,” he explained, pulling us closer to the booths so that he could be heard better over the music. There were a lot of people gathered around his VIP table, but they were all engrossed in their own conversations. “I just shot a campaign for Dior.”

“Dior? Shut up!” I said.

“It’s true,” he chuckled bashfully. “Hey, where’s Kyunnie? I haven’t seen him since last Christmas!”

“Oh, we—“ I couldn’t bring myself to say it out loud to him. Hyungwon had known both Changkyun and I forever. He’d probably be just as devastated by the news as I was.

Desperate to deflect, I turned and searched for my friends in the crowd. Bora and Dami had disappeared, but Minhyuk was still vibing, making friends with others in the crowd as he danced. 

Hyungwon followed my line of sight and then laughed loudly when he saw my roommate, who he knew only from meeting him on a limited number of occasions, but they’d always gotten along well.

“Min’s here!” he said. I glanced up at Hyungwon and caught a strange, unfamiliar glimmer in his eyes while he watched Minhyuk dance.

Interesting… 

I waved my arms dramatically to catch Min’s attention and then, when he finally decided to meet my eyes from the middle of the dance floor, I mouthed “Come here,” until he finally started making his way over.

“Hey, Min hyung,” Wonnie said when he was finally within hearing distance. 

I couldn’t tell if Min was blushing because of the honorifics or if it was just the warmth from all that dancing, but I bit my lip to hold back a giggle at the pinkness in his cheeks.

“Hi, Hyungwon,” he said, shaking his hand like a business partner. “How have you been? Still modeling?”

“Good, yeah… yeah,” he replied, nodding awkwardly. “You? Still painting?”

“Mhm… yep… yeah.”

Very interesting, indeed…

I pinched Hyungwon’s arm and giggled up at him. He seemed to snap out of whatever zombie-like stupor had taken over for the past ten seconds and then grinned down at me.

“How long are you in the city for?” I asked.

“Just a few days, then I’ve got to go back to Europe,” he answered, frowning and poking the tip of my nose when I started pouting at him. “It’s fashion month coming up. But, I’ll be back, I promise.”

“Good,” I grinned.

“Have a drink with us,” Hyungwon said, gesturing to the table behind him. For the first time, I properly looked at his companions and felt a bubble of nerves in the pit of my stomach. I always forgot how well-known Hyungwon was when it was just the two of us talking.

But, behind him sat a table filled with glamorous women all showcasing flawless long legs and glossy hair. Not to mention the men, who were idol-handsome with perfect jawlines and glimmering eyes. Hyungwon, being one of the most beautiful people I knew, would definitely surround himself with equally stunning humans. I rarely felt ugly—I knew I was a pretty girl—but in that moment, I froze.

Until one of the girls at the table turned and offered me a smile. “Hey, I know you! Y/N, right?” 

I nodded, surprised, taking the empty space she offered me next to her and pulling Minhyuk down beside me forcefully. He kept glancing at Hyungwon and looked like he wanted to run away.

“Yeah, I’m Y/N,” I replied, slightly confused about why this impossibly beautiful woman knew me.

“I’m Rosè. I met Hyungwon in Paris at the YSL show,” she explained. “He showed me all these cute old photos from his childhood, saying how much he missed his friends.”

Hyungwon sat down across from us and groaned in embarrassment.

“Awwwww, Wonnie,” I sighed, reaching across the table and taking his hand. “I missed you, too.”

Rosè was almost immediately pulled back into the conversation she was having before, but I decided I liked her.

Hyungwon cocked his head to the side as if he was observing Minhyuk and I. “It’s weird seeing you two out without Kyun. Where did you say he was?”

Minhyuk stiffened immediately and looked like he was about to cut in and change the conversation, but I gripped his thigh under the table to stop him. I wasn’t going to be able to keep someone like Hyungwon in the dark about this. If he didn’t find out from me now, he’d get it out of me later. Or he’d hear it from, God forbid, my mom, the town gossip. Or from Changkyun himself. 

I shook my head and forced myself to hold the tears in.

“Wonnie… we… Changkyun and I…”

“What?” His eyes softened in puppy-like confusion and I almost broke down. I felt Minhyuk’s hand over mine, still under the table, where I was now squeezing his thigh perhaps a little too hard.

“Changkyun and I broke up.”

A beat of silence followed as Hyungwon stared in shock. The look on his face said it all, everything I knew was true. No one, not a single person, had expected the world’s cutest couple to break up. 

Even Fate himself probably hadn’t seen it coming.

“That’s not possible,” was Hyungwon’s eventual reply. 

I could see the heartbreak written clearly on his face and it caused a sharp pang in my heart. He was genuinely upset. I didn’t blame him. The two friends who he’d known the longest, who’d been in love just about as long as he’d been alive, were no longer together. It was like watching your fairy tale end in disaster.

It was everything I’d been feeling for days now.

I nodded, almost certain I was about to start literally crying in the club.

“Believe me,” I replied. “It is possible.” 

“Y/N…” Hyungwon sighed, reaching out for my hand across the table.

I stood up abruptly, unable to take the sight of his pity. That’s all anyone had been doing; feeling sorry for me. 

I was sick of it.

“I’m just… I’m gonna go get a drink,” I said.

“Do you want me to—“ Min began.

“No, no,” I called over my shoulder as I rushed away, pressing myself into the dense crowd. Thankfully, he didn’t follow.

I fought my way back to the bar and collapsed down on a stool, waving my hand for the bartender. 

_Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry. You’ve cried enough. Get over it. Move on. This is an opportunity, not a crisis._

I continued to give myself a pep talk as I knocked back three shots of tequila in quick succession.

“Are you okay?” Asked a vaguely familiar voice beside me.

I turned to find one of the most handsome men I’d ever seen in all my twenty-three years of existence. Perfect honey skin, black hair styled in charming waves, and a pair of adorable-yet-sexy dimples on his cheeks. He was leaning against the bar, but I could still tell that he was reasonably tall… not to mention his broad shoulders. 

And I realized that I knew him.

His eyes flashed with recognition at approximately the same time as mine. 

My mind whirled with a million different thoughts, but I only managed to utter one word.

Or rather, one name.

“Jooheon.”


	2. Happier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N makes some choices...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay - I decided to change from OC to y/n because I feel like popular opinion prefers that. idk!!! 
> 
> also, I want to try to update every Friday evening (PST); because I was late this time, I'm going to post both chapter 2 and 3 tonight :)

Was I being punished? Was Fate mad at me? Had I ruined all of her plans for mine and Changkyun’s happily-ever-after and now she was trying to get back at me for toying with destiny?

That had to be it.

There was no other explanation for how I could possibly be in this situation right now. Several servings of hard liquor deep, hair messy from dancing like a teenager, and currently staring into the eyes of my boyfriend’s boss.

_Ex-boyfriend._

Ex-boyfriend’s boss.

Jooheon smiled easily, turning his body to properly face mine, but keeping one elbow resting casually on the gleaming marble of the high bar. 

“Y/N, right?” he asked. His dimples were even more pronounced when he smiled and I found myself wondering, once again, how someone could be so cute and so delicious simultaneously. 

All I could manage was a nod in response. 

“You’re Changkyun’s girl,” he said, the corners of his lips turned upwards in a way that I couldn’t tell if he was grinning or smirking. 

But, his words cut like a knife. 

I sighed and broke his gaze, looking down at the empty drink in front of me. 

“We, uh…” I replied, clearing my throat awkwardly. “I’m not… I’m not his girl anymore.”

I couldn’t bring myself to look at Jooheon again, but I felt him move closer at my words. 

“How’s that possible?” he replied. “Every song he produces is about you.”

  
I couldn’t help it. I groaned softly and dropped my head into my hands.

Of course Jooheon would know that. Jooheon wasn’t just Changkyun’s boss; he was the CEO of the entire label. He was the one that Changkyun had managed to slip his music sample to that night all those months ago in another club much like this one. Jooheon had probably heard every single song that Changkyun had produced since then. 

Every single song about me.

_God_ , this was weird. 

My stomach twisted nervously. The truth was, Jooheon wasn’t just a CEO. He was a fairly popular musician. A rapper, mostly, but I’d seen videos of him singing live. Honestly, even before I knew him personally, I’d always thought he was incredible. Changkyun had always thought so, too… always saying how much he wanted to work with Lee Jooheon someday. 

“Did it end badly?” Jooheon asked, placing a gentle hand on my shoulder. I was surprised at the contact, but I didn’t dislike it. “Was he a dick? Do you want me to fire him?”

Despite everything, I let out a small chuckle and finally met Jooheon’s gaze again. He looked so concerned, it was like we were close friends. In reality, while we had a third-party connection in Changkyun, we barely knew each other. 

“No,” I replied. “It was mutual.”

Jooheon pursed his lips and shook his head. I watched him wave down the bartender quietly.

“I don’t know how any man in his right mind could let a woman like _you_ go,” he said to me after ordering two shots of Patrón. “But, I guess that’s how life is sometimes.”

I shrugged. Jooheon offered me one of the shots. 

“Oh, I shouldn’t,” I said, already concerned by the amount of alcohol I had consumed. Not to mention the lack of impulse control I could feel bubbling in the pit of my stomach as I found myself unable to stop staring at his lips, his neck, his chest, his…

I don’t think this is what Minhyuk and Bora had in mind when they convinced me to let loose earlier that evening. Sleeping with a guy from the club was one thing; sleeping with my ex-boyfriend’s _boss_ was… ridiculous.

“Nevermind,” I said, and then downed the shot quickly. Jooheon laughed and followed suit. He flinched only slightly, and I realized he probably wasn’t a regular tequila drinker. He’d likely only ordered it because he noticed that it was what I’d been drinking.

I couldn’t explain why I found that so endearing.

“Are you here alone?” I asked, confused about why he wasn’t surrounded by a posse of some sort. He was a celebrity, after all. Shouldn’t he at least have a few groupies?

Jooheon playfully rolled his eyes. “I was here with my friend Jaebum, but he wandered off to go talk to some girl he has a thing for.”

I laughed. “Im Jaebum? As in, Defsoul?”

“Ahh, you know him?” Jooheon’s eyes lit up at my mention of the name his friend produces music under. 

“Of course I do,” I replied. “Changkyun showed me his stuff a couple years ago; he--”

I paused when I realized I’d somehow gotten back to Changkyun _again_. 

Jooheon caught it and offered me a sad smile. “You guys were together for a long time, huh?”

I nodded. “Seven years.”

Jooheon whistled low and bit his lip, looking down at his shoes with a furrowed brow. The flashing lights from the dance floor glowed blue against his raven-black hair. 

Somehow, for the first time in several days, I wasn’t on the verge of tears talking about him, though. Something about Jooheon felt soothing. Safe, almost. 

It didn’t make any sense at all. He was practically a stranger.

Jooheon met my eyes. I realized how close we’d gotten. “I don’t know from experience, but I can imagine that it would be very hard to move on from someone after being with them for that long. Very difficult to forget.”

I swallowed. _God, did he just look down at my lips? What was going on?_

“Yeah,” I replied, my voice barely loud enough to be heard over the music. “Exactly.”

“But, maybe...“ Jooheon paused and trailed off. Our faces were so close now, only inches apart. I thought I felt the lightest touch of his fingertips on my bare arm, but I was too entranced by the partly nervous, partly needy look in his eyes to check. “Maybe I… maybe I could help you forget?”

_What?_

“What?” my question came out so quietly I wasn’t even sure he heard it. 

Did he just offer to help me forget about my ex-boyfriend? Changkyun? His employee? His friend? 

And by _forget_ , did he mean what I thought he meant?

Oh, this was bad. This was a bad thing. This should not happen. I should not have been leaning into his touch. My heart should not be racing, my skin tingling, the pit of my stomach warming. 

Ever so slowly, Jooheon leaned in to place his lips close to my ear. My shoulder brushed against his chest, and our cheeks hovered within a mere hairsbreadth of each other. 

“Do you want to get out of here?” he asked. His voice was velvet smooth, but sweet like honey. 

_Fuck it_.

“Yes,” I answered. 

_____________________

  
  


Fifteen minutes later, I’d texted my roommates that I was heading out and that they should stay and keep having fun. Min immediately texted back a string of questions, but I ignored them. He was safe and sound with Hyungwon, and both Dami and Bora were closeby. 

And I was in the back of a taxi with Lee Jooheon: award-winning music producer, chart-topping rapper, boyishly handsome and indescribably charming international heartthrob…

Yeah. That Lee Jooheon. 

His apartment was, apparently, very close to Medicine. I expected the ride to be awkward, considering that we barely knew each other and also that this entire thing was absolutely batshit crazy. 

But, Jooheon chattered away easily, resting his head back on the seat and offering me his dimpled smile. 

“Do you know that cafe right there?” he asked, pointing to a small coffee shop outside the window next to me. 

I shook my head. “No, what is it?”

“I’ve been going there since I was a kid. My mom is best friends with the owner, so I practically grew up there,” he said. “When I started getting recognized for my music, she hung up a baby photo of me behind the counter, next to my poster I brought her.”

I couldn’t help grinning at his little story. How was it possible for a man to be so cute, and yet so devilishly sexy? Hadn’t he just offered to fuck Changkyun out of my brain back there at the club? Or something like that?

“That’s cute,” I replied. “I have a place like that back in my hometown, but it’s a ramyeon restaurant. Me and my friends went there practically every day after school.”

I managed to not bring up the fact that one of those friends had always been Changkyun. 

Jooheon’s eyes twinkled at my story, as if I’d said something really wonderful. 

“Except, I’m not famous like you, so I don’t have my poster hanging there,” I continued, poking his thigh playfully. “But, Hyungwon’s various fashion campaigns are on display now.”

“Chae Hyungwon? The model?” Jooheon asked.

“Yeah, do you know him?” 

“Not personally,” he replied. “Kyun mentioned once that he grew up with him. I guess I just connected the dots. Is he cool?”

I managed not to flinch at the casual mention of Changkyun. Jooheon breezed over it so easily, it was kind of surprising and, yet, I appreciated it.

“He’s very cool,” I answered, nodding quickly. “He was actually there too, at the club. Complete coincidence; I had no idea he’d be there. I hadn’t seen him in about a year!”

  
  


“Wait,” Jooheon said, placing a hand on my knee and putting on a faux serious facial expression. “Chae Hyungwon was at that club and you let me _leave_?”

I laughed loudly, smacking his hand lightly. “ _You_ asked _me_ to leave!”

“Ohh, right, right,” he replied, smirking and nodding as if he only just now remembered. 

At that moment, the taxi came to a stop in front of a glimmering glass tower of apartments. Jooheon paid the driver swiftly, flashing an exclusive credit card that I pretended not to be amazed at. 

Then, before I knew it, I was outside on the sidewalk and Jooheon was taking my hand, pulling me along behind him. He shot me a wink over his shoulder as we approached the entrance to his home. 

What on earth was I doing?


	3. Love Is a Bitch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N has a very fun night...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is rated 18+ for sexually explicit content!

Jooheon’s apartment was nice. Like, really nice. 

Having successful friends (i.e. Dami and Hyungwon) meant that I was used to seeing the young and rich having fun with the money they worked hard to earn. But, also, as a student, I was still very much living in the world of tiny apartments, several roommates, and instant noodles.

So, it was a lot to take in.

Unsurprisingly, Jooheon owned the penthouse. Floor to ceiling windows all along the far wall offered a stunning view of the city’s lights, which gleamed off the flawless marble floor and cast a soft silver glow over everything. 

I slipped off my shoes at the door and followed Jooheon to an intimate, but obviously state-of-the-art, galley kitchen. His hand was still holding mine as he pulled me gently along through the still, silent apartment. I gazed up at the high ceilings, marveling at the sheer size of this place. Did he really live here all by himself? Surely he got lonely. 

“Can I get you something to drink?” he asked softly, opening up the fridge. 

My head was still very much spinning from the alcohol, but not in an unpleasant way. In fact, nothing about this moment was unpleasant. 

“Um, water?” I replied, biting my lip.

He laughed and nodded. “Probably a good idea.”

A minute later, he handed me a cold glass of water. I sipped it quietly, wandering back out to the main area and stepping up close to the cool glass of the windows. The city looked so beautiful at nighttime. It practically glittered. 

Though I could feel him approaching behind me, I kept my eyes fixed on the towering buildings and rushing cars. I tried to slow my heart rate with a deep breath and closed my eyes for the briefest of moments. 

The lightest touch of his hand on the small of my back caused goosebumps to erupt on my arms. 

The silence was charged. Deliciously tense. 

I’d never done anything like this before. Maybe that went without saying, but, truthfully, Changkyun was the only guy I’d ever slept with. In fact, Changkyun was the only guy I’d even kissed. But, it wasn’t like I was inexperienced. Kyun’s sex drive had been… strong. And I was definitely no prude myself. 

Still, anything I’d ever experienced like  _ that _ had been with him. Just him. 

And Jooheon… Jooheon, standing behind me and gazing out at the view he paid millions for, trailing the tips of his fingers down the sides of my waist, was so different. Broader and taller, yes, but he also carried himself with a much different energy than Changkyun. 

“You’re thinking about him,” whispered Jooheon. His voice drifted gently through the quiet of the apartment. 

I didn’t try to deny it. 

I simply did what I always did when I felt nervous or afraid. 

I choked it down.  _ Fear is useless and temporary. Do not give in to it. _

Without thinking about it for a second longer, I spun in his arms and pressed my lips to his. 

His body responded instantly. With the smallest moan of surprise, his grip tightened on my hips and pulled me tightly against him. His lips parted against mine, our warm breath mingling. My brain emptied of all worries as I wrapped my arms around his neck and leaned into his kiss. 

He was a playful kisser. Almost mischievous. Hot and open-mouthed one moment and then peppering quick pecks on my lips, my cheeks, my jaw the next. I decided that I liked it. 

“Follow me,” Jooheon murmured against my mouth. 

I wasn’t about to argue. 

He took both of my hands this time, walking backwards toward a hallway I hadn’t noticed before. His eyes, dark and lustful, held mine firmly as I let him lead me into what I assumed was the master bedroom. The glass panels continued along the far wall and, for the briefest second, I found my gaze drawn once more to the shimmering skyline.

That is, until I saw the massive bed draped in silken sheets and a cloud-like duvet. 

Jooheon continued walking backwards until the backs of his knees hit the end of his bed. He sat down in front of me, thumbs rubbing circles into my hips as I stared down at him. He bit his lip, eyelids fluttering as his eyes trailed down the length of my body. 

God, he was gorgeous. 

My breath caught in my throat, and I felt something come over me. Something almost animalistic. 

With Changkyun, we had always been evenly matched in dominance. It made for a lot of fun tension in the bedroom and, usually, a sweet sense of victory when one of us finally gave in.

But, with Jooheon… with him, it felt different. It wasn’t necessarily that I felt more dominant than him, but more so that I could tell he was the type who appreciated a partner who liked to take control. 

I shook the last bits of Changkyun-related thoughts from my brain and stepped forward between Jooheon’s spread thighs. 

His hands trailed up my backside and then tugged on the zipper of my jumpsuit. Within seconds, the soft black cotton was in a pool at my feet. Jooheon exhaled sharply at the sight of my wine-red lingerie (Bora’s idea) and immediately leaned forward to press a kiss to my naked hip. His arms wrapped tightly around me, yanking me close. 

I giggled quietly, pressing back on his shoulders and forcing him to let go of me as he caught himself from falling back completely by placing his hands behind him on the bed. He chuckled quietly in surprise as I climbed onto his lap, straddling his waist. 

He kept his hands on the bed as I tangled my fingers in his hair and bit down lightly on his lower lip. A gasp escaped his parted lips. He kissed me hungrily. I could feel how hard he was through the fabric of his jeans and, without hesitating, I rolled my hips against his. 

The quietest curse burst from his mouth and I grinned in amusement.

Jooheon looked vaguely dumbfounded at my playfulness and, I had to admit that I was, too. Where was all of this confidence coming from? I could be like this with… with  _ him _ … but, who knew I could be like this with a practical stranger?

It was clear that, whatever had gotten into me, it turned him on. 

Which turned me on even more.

I reached down and pulled at the hem of his plain black tee. He didn’t delay, shifting forward to make it easier for me to yank the garment up and off of him. I tossed his shirt to the floor somewhere behind me and pressed a hand to his bare chest to push him back against the bed. 

Trailing my hand slowly down the center of his chest to his stomach, I moved my mouth to his neck and pressed gentle, kitten-like kisses to his heated skin. 

Another curse leaked from his lips, louder this time, as my hand continued its downward journey to the waistband of his jeans. I paused, hand hovering delicately over his erection, still clothed in his jeans. 

“You’re driving me crazy,” he breathed, turning his face to catch my lips as they moved to press a kiss to the other side of his jaw. 

“Mmm,” I sighed into his kiss. “What are you going to do about it?”

He half-gasped, half-laughed. “You’re  _ unbelievably _ sexy. Has anyone ever told you that?”

The answer to his question was yes, of course. But, I didn’t want to think about who had been the one to say it to me. His name was so far gone from my mind at that moment.

I simply smiled into the kiss and stroked his length through the fabric with more insistence. 

Much to my surprise, he let out a low growl and dug his fingers into my thighs, flipping me over onto my back so quickly the room spun. 

Jooheon hovered over me, clearly amused and proud of himself. 

I jokingly glared at him, sitting up on my elbows. He leaned in and started sucking lightly at my collarbone and I let my head fall back. His lips were pillow-soft and plump as they trailed down my chest, then the curve of my breast. He deftly reached behind me and unclasped my bra. 

Collapsing fully onto the satin duvet, I shrugged off my bra and chucked it to the side. 

I gasped when I felt Jooheon flick his tongue against my nipple barely a second later. He really wasted no time. 

Only when his kisses had moved down to my lower stomach, did I realize what was about to happen. 

I lifted my head from the feathered pillows and met his gaze as he smirked, tugging on the delicate lace of my panties. I lifted my hips slightly to help him and he pulled sharply, doing away with them swiftly. 

Jooheon didn’t hesitate--ever. That much was becoming clear to me. Still half-clothed, he looked down at me, fully naked now, and shot me a wink. Then he took hold of my thighs, pushing them apart. 

The moment he ducked his head toward my center, I knew I was no longer in charge. 

_ Fuck _ ,  _ how was he so good at this? _

A delicate whimper escaped my throat as his tongue swirled against my clitoris. 

He lifted his head for a second to tell me, “Don’t hold back.”

So, I didn’t. I let the breathy sighs and high moans pour out between my lips and spiral up to the ceiling. In response, he let out a low groan, his tongue lapping against me. I could tell he really enjoyed going down on women, which I found incredibly hot. 

I was reaching my climax quickly, spine arched off the bed. One of my hands gripped at his hair, the other at the bedsheets. 

“ _ Jooheon _ ,” I panted. “Jooheon…  _ Jooheon, I’m-- _ ”

My orgasm struck suddenly and with such force that it left me completely speechless. I unraveled beneath him, stunned at how my body was responding as if it had never felt such pleasure before. Surely, it had?

Suddenly, I couldn’t have him close enough. 

I sat up halfway again, reaching down between my thighs to practically rip open the fly of Jooheon’s jeans. 

His mouth found mine again as he helped me get him out of the rest of his clothes, and I could taste myself on his tongue. I giggled and then pressed my fingernails into the skin of his back.

“I want you inside me,” I whispered into his ear. “ _ Now _ .”

Jooheon swore under his breath in response, shifting to position himself at my entrance. He settled down on his elbows over me, face buried in the crook of my neck as he slowly pushed into me.

The moan he let out when all of him was inside of me sent a shiver down my spine. 

As he started to move, I lost myself in him. Time disappeared. The world fell away. As far as I was concerned, the only thing that existed was the sweet sound of his voice whispering my name, the delicious pleasure-pain of his length thrusting into me, and the feel of our damp skin pressed together. 

When he came, he pressed his face into my hair to muffle his loud groans. I gently ran my fingers from the top of his head to the nape of his neck as he came down from his high, until he let out a quiet chuckle and lifted his head, pulled out of me, and rolled over onto his back.

I turned onto my side and smirked quietly at him as he caught his breath. 

A few seconds later, he met my gaze. His eyes were sparkling with amusement.

“That was… unreal,” he said. 

I winked at him. 


	4. Remember

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N takes two steps forward and three steps back...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am a day late posting :( I'm so bad at sticking to schedules - so I will just promise now that a new chapter will be posted *at least* once a week at some point :)

When I woke up, I could tell it was still early. The massive windows in Jooheon’s bedroom showed me a pearlescent gray sky, hinting at an overcast day ahead of us. 

The city glittered less brilliantly now that the night was over.

With a soft sigh, I turned my head to look at Jooheon. He was sleeping peacefully. He snored quietly, almost like a baby, and had most of his face shoved into the pillow. I couldn’t help but smile at the sight of him. I was beginning to realize that this man, who growled into my ear, who joked with me in the back of a cab, who looked so innocent in the early morning, contained multitudes. He fascinated me.

Carefully, I slipped out of bed and pulled on my clothes from last night. Checking one last time to make sure I hadn’t woken him up, I tip-toed out into the main room of his apartment. 

I knew it wasn’t kind for me to be making a stealthy exit. I knew that he would probably be hurt when he woke up and saw the other side of his bed was empty. 

Either that, or this was a regular occurrence for him. Maybe he brought home girls from the club every other night, and whenever they happened to disappear before he woke, it just made things easier for him. Maybe I was doing him a favor.

Whichever it was, I forced myself not to linger at the windows any longer, and quickly tugged my shoes on in the entryway. Still, I paused with my hand on the doorknob. The apartment was so silent. Motionless. 

Did he like it that way? Did he prefer waking up alone?

Or was there a part of him that craved some noise, some chaos, someone to take up space in his silk sheets?

I frowned, shaking off those thoughts, and left quietly.

_ It doesn’t matter what Jooheon feels _ , I told myself as I made my way back to my apartment. It wasn’t like I was going to sleep with him again, or try to date him. That was definitely  _ not  _ what I needed right now. Getting into another relationship would not be a great move. 

God, this was more complicated than I thought it would be. Certainly more complicated than Minhyuk and Bora had implied it would be. How did people fuck without catching feelings? After all, I’d only ever had sex with a man I was in love with.

Well, until last night, that is. 

My stomach twisted at the thought, but it wasn’t entirely unpleasant. After all, last night had been  _ euphoric _ .

But, it was probably for the best if, from now on, the people I decided to hook up with were far less charming, less funny, and less adorable than Lee Jooheon. 

I sighed again, wandering down the empty, early-morning sidewalks alone.

Suddenly, my phone buzzed with a text.

My heart dropped down onto the pavement in front of me. It was Changkyun.

It was only 7:30, but he’d always been an early riser like me.

_ Hey baby,  _ read the text.  _ Still ok if I stop by this morning to drop off your things/pick up mine?  _

Shit. I’d totally forgotten about that. We had (very maturely, I might add) agreed to hand off the belongings of the other person that we’d collected over the years at a specific date and time. Almost like a doctor’s appointment or a job interview. Scheduled, clear, and unemotional. 

A second text came in quickly after the first.  _ Sorry sorry sorry, I didn’t mean to type baby… habit!!! _

I hadn’t even noticed he’d called me that. I supposed I was so used to it, too, that I didn’t even question it.

A sharp pang of sadness stabbed into my chest and I nearly stumbled on the street.

Changkyun.  _ Changkyun _ . I still loved him. Of  _ course  _ I still loved him. How would I ever stop loving him?

“Get a grip,” I whispered to myself.

_ No worries,  _ I replied.  _ Yes, come over this morning! _

_ Ok be there in about an hour _ , was his immediate response.

Shit. I didn’t care if I looked like a madwoman; I started running.

The truth was, I hadn’t even started putting together all of his things. Also, I definitely didn’t want him to see me like this: rumpled clothes, last night’s smokey eye, messy hair, and vaguely smelling of tequila. 

I sprinted to my apartment and immediately threw myself into the shower. I assumed Bora was at Dami’s and I didn’t care about waking Min. Quickly scrubbing last night off of me, and taking only a handful of seconds to wince at the pleasant ache in my thighs and hips, I chucked on a pair of sweatpants and a Rolling Stones tee. 

Grabbing the old duffel bag Changkyun had left here months ago on accident and never remembered to bring back to his place, I began shoving everything I could think of that was his into it. I forced myself to keep my mind blank as I did so, telling myself that I couldn’t mull over the memories attached to his things. 

A small collection of t-shirts, a couple of hoodies, a pair of boxers with cute pink pigs on them, his toothbrush, and the spare bag of skincare products he kept permanently in our bathroom all went in the bag. I tossed in at least three pairs of tangled headphones, a silver bracelet he’d left on my nightstand a couple weeks ago, and then froze at the sight of all the photos of us…  _ everywhere _ . 

Was I supposed to give those back, too?

He was going to be here any minute, but I stayed still. The reality of what was happening came in waves. 

I didn’t want to cry anymore, though. 

Instead, I quietly and methodically took down the various photos of us, from age three to twenty-three, taped up on the walls, stuck around the vanity mirror, and tacked to the corkboard. An entire lifetime of knowing him, of  _ loving  _ him, just piled up in my hands like that. Knowing I would regret it later, I didn’t place them in the duffel bag, but instead tucked them away in the far corner of my closet. 

My phone buzzed just then. It was Changkyun, letting me know he was at the door downstairs. I went out to the entryway and buzzed him up. A soft knock on the door a minute later sent butterflies erupting in the pit of my stomach. I hadn’t seen him in days. 

Part of me didn’t want to open the door. But, the other part of me was desperate to see his face again. 

The latter won out.

He stood on the other side of the threshold, a small box in his hands. 

Several beats of silence followed in which we simply stared at each other. Even though I had known him forever, his beauty never ceased to amaze me. His black hair was still damp from a shower, styled hurriedly to one side and showing off an undercut he’d recently decided to give himself. His eyes, always clear and kind and patient, were wide and nervous this morning. 

Changkyun’s nose was my favorite thing about him. I’d always joked that it was so regal, it made him look like a prince. And then he would scrunch it up at me and poke my thighs, telling me I was embarrassing him. But, then I would kiss the very nose I loved so much and we’d dissolve together. 

I cleared my throat, deciding that I would be the first to speak. “Uh, come in.”

This was strange. I’d never had to formally invite him into my place before. It was practically his second home.

He came in quietly and set the box down on the coffee table. 

“Is that really everything?” I asked. 

Changkyun smiled and glanced down at the small collection of various skincare products, tangled costume jewelry, and tattered notebooks. “I thought it would be more, too,” he admitted.

God, the sound of his voice was exactly what home sounded like. 

“Turns out,” he continued, a gentle smile tugging at the corner of his lips. “You mostly just left hair elastics and half-used cups around at mine.”

I chuckled softly. It was an ongoing battle between us that had evolved more into an inside joke in recent years. I had a habit of taking a few sips of my drink, leaving the cup behind, and very shortly after getting a new cup with a new drink inside to eventually leave behind, as well. It didn’t sound very endearing when I explained it to others, but Changkyun always joked that it was my way of leaving my mark on a place I occupied. 

More silence.

I bit my lip and handed him the duffel bag. “I think you kept about half of your wardrobe here,” I said, nodding my head at just how much I’d shoved into the bag. Peeking out through the zipper was the soft gray hoodie I’d loved the most. I’d worn it so much that it was practically mine now. 

But, still. I couldn’t hang on to something like that. 

Changyun stared down at the bag in his hands, completely silent. It wasn’t until I saw his throat bob with a sharp swallow that I realized he was trying not to cry. 

“Hey, baby,” I whispered, not even thinking as I opened my arms and stepped toward him.

He didn’t hesitate to engulf me in his embrace. We collapsed into each other as he let out a few sobs, burying his face into the crook of his shoulder. 

“Why are we doing this?” he murmured, voice cracking. I hated seeing him in pain. I hated it more than anything in the world. All I ever wanted to do was take away his pain and see him happy. 

I shook my head. “You know why.”

He had, after all, been the first one to bring it up. 

I rested my cheek on his chest, running my fingers through the hair at the base of his neck. 

“I love you,” I told him.

He sniffled and pulled back to look me in the eyes. 

Before I knew it, we were kissing.

Kissing like we never had before. Needy,  _ hungry _ kisses. 

A loud sigh of frustration met my ears and we both jumped apart at the same time when we realized we were no longer alone.

“Enough!” yelled Minhyuk, standing at the doorway to his room with atrocious bedhead and sleepy, but furious, eyes. I watched in astonishment as Minhyuk raised a warning finger at Changkyun and narrowed his gaze. “You do not get to shatter her heart and then come back here and have messy break-up sex on the floor of our apartment. You either apologize and carry her off into the sunset, or you leave. For good.”

Frankly, I was shocked. Minhyuk rarely raised his voice. I’d certainly never seen him raise his voice at Changkyun, unless they were joking around or playing games. 

I didn’t even realize that what happened between me and Changkyun hadn’t just upset the two of us, but also the people around us. Clearly, while I’d been busy being sad, Minhyuk had focused on anger.

Changkyun was a lover, not a fighter. And I could see from the look in his eyes that he knew Minhyuk had a point. 

“I’ll, um…” he trailed off, stooping to pick up the duffel bag and refusing to meet my eyes. “I’ll go.”

And, just like that, he was gone. 

Gone for real this time.

Knees shaking, I sat down on the sofa. Minhyuk came over and sat next to me, dropping his head in his hands.

“Sorry about that,” he muttered. “I just can’t bear to witness the same messy make-up, break-up bullshit I’ve seen most of my friends go through.”

“No, you’re right,” I told him, patting his knee. Something about his tiny outburst had flipped a switch inside of me. It was as if the world suddenly seemed a little bit clearer. “He’s either in my life or he isn’t. That’s how it has to be for right now, while we… while we get used to this.”

“Hmm,” Min nodded, getting up from the couch and stumbling into the kitchen. He fumbled around in the fridge for several moments while I simply sat and stared at the box Changkyun had left on the coffee table. All of the photos he had of us were sitting in a small pile on top. He hadn’t kept them like I had. 

That offered me more clarity than anything else. He was obviously determined to move on from me. That kiss was merely a small moment of weakness, a brief yearning for familiarity and comfort. 

“I’m so hungover,” moaned Minhyuk. 

I smirked at my best friend as he stuck his head under the faucet, letting cold water pour into his mouth straight from the tap. Apparently, getting a glass from the cabinet required too much effort for his pounding head. When he finished re-hydrating, he stood up straight and fixed his eyes on me, mouth agape as if he had just remembered something.

“Wait a second,” he said. “Who the  _ hell  _ did you go home with last night?”


	5. Best Years

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Changkyun has a short-lived moment of clarity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is in Changkyun's POV... and also very sad and angsty.

_ Changkyun’s POV _

I made it down almost two flights of stairs before I burst into tears. 

That had been harder than I thought it would be. And, to be honest, I’d been prepared for that to be the hardest thing I’d ever done. 

Y/N hadn’t cried. She was usually so empathetic; crying any time she saw someone else upset. But, just now, back in her apartment, all she had done was wrap me in her arms and comfort me as I fell apart for the briefest of moments.

With a sigh, I sat down on the cold, metal stairs. Y/N lived on the seventh floor, and yet I’d always preferred taking the steps over the elevator. Not because of a fitness goal or whatever, but mostly because there was a part of me that couldn’t help feeling like not everything in life should be so easy.

Maybe that’s why I was in this situation. Because I was a moron who had to make things difficult for myself. A dumbass who always had to have an obstacle to overcome. 

The truth was, I knew that I could be happy with her for the rest of my life. Every single molecule in my body knew that. She was the one. 

And, yet… here I was. Alone and sobbing to myself in the back stairwell of a student apartment building. 

_ The only way is forward _ , I told myself. It was something my dad had said to me ever since I was little and now, even as an adult, I would hear it in the back of my mind during moments like this. 

So, I stood up, grabbed the duffel bag of my belongings, and left her place. For the last time, probably. 

When I’d made it about ten minutes down the street, my phone dinged with a message. I hated myself for the fleeting second where I hoped it was her. 

But, it was my boss. 

_ Are you busy?  _ read the text from Jooheon. 

I frowned. Jooheon was the workaholic type. It was part of the reason why we got along so well both at work and outside of it. Still, I couldn’t recall ever getting a message from him midmorning on a Saturday.

_ No, why? _ I replied. 

_ Can you stop by my place for a bit? Let’s get lunch. _ His reply came less than a minute later. 

Lunch? I supposed it wasn’t totally out of the ordinary. We shared meals together all the time, but usually in a business context, or if we were both up late at the studio and got a random craving. 

Maybe something was wrong. Maybe he was about to fire me. 

That would just be the icing on the cake. Lose my girlfriend, lose my job, lose it all in one day… 

My mind immediately went back to Y/N as I slightly rerouted my steps toward the glitzy building Jooheon lived in. She was always such an optimist; it was the thing that I envied most about her. I never understood how it was so easy for her to always look on the bright side of things, and how her first instinct was always to be positive and hopeful. 

I’d always been a pessimist. A little bit cynical, too. She was always the one to brighten my thoughts and emotions, like my own personal sun. 

My heart squeezed in pain and I physically shook my head as if it could dispel the thoughts of her. 

_ The only way is forward. _

I repeated it to myself like a mantra the entire way to Jooheon’s penthouse apartment. The security guard let me in, recognizing me immediately and bowing as I stepped into the gleaming elevator. 

Letting myself into Jooheon’s apartment, as he’d always insisted we do, I kicked my shoes off by the door and stepped into the massive sitting room that served as the perfect entrance hall and entertainment space for Jooheon’s regular social gatherings. 

“Jooheon?” I called out into the empty space. 

“Not so loud, please,” came a moan to my right. Jooheon was bent over the priceless marble countertop of the built-in bar, chugging a bottle of water like his life depended on it.

I snorted. “Hungover?”

Jooheon whimpered again and continued drinking. I clicked my tongue and moved further into the space, gravitating toward the incredible windows that overlooked the entire city. If I glanced slightly to the left, I could see Y/N’s building in the distance, where I’d just come from. 

My eyes quickly darted away from the view, desperate to avoid any trigger that would remind me of her. Instead, my gaze landed on the dining table nearby, where a half-empty glass of water sat, abandoned by whoever had left the faintly pink lipstick imprint on its rim. 

And, for some reason, that was the sight that sent me over the edge again. 

I stumbled slightly and clutched the edge of the table for support. Even though I was in the presence of my boss, I couldn’t stop the sob that escaped my throat. Damn it, I was such an embarrassment. He was definitely going to fire me now.

I missed her. I missed her horribly. I missed her so much it felt like someone had slid a knife deep into my heart and then twisted with all their strength. 

I’d made such a terrible mistake. 

I was barely aware of the quick footsteps approaching me, but looked up in surprise when I saw Joohoen had swiftly come to my side and placed a comforting hand on my shoulder.

“Changkyun,” he gasped. “Are you okay?”

I stood up straight and exhaled slowly, urging myself to stop crying. I was such a baby. I couldn’t believe Jooheon, world-famous rapper, Korea’s most darling young bachelor, CEO extraordinaire, was seeing me like this. 

Sighing quietly, I shook my head. There was no use pretending like nothing was wrong at this point. I had literally just burst into tears in the middle of this guy’s apartment at the sight of a half-drunk cup of water. 

“Y/N and I broke up,” I admitted. I hadn’t said it aloud very often yet. We’d been together for so long, it made sense that the words felt so strange on my tongue.

I glanced at Jooheon and noticed an odd look in his eyes. Maybe I was seeing things, but he almost looked… guilty? Ashamed?

“I… well…” Jooheon sighed and perched at the edge of the table, staring down at his feet. “I actually wanted to talk to you… about something.”

Why was he acting so weird?

“What’s up?” I asked. 

Jooheon sighed and tilted his head back to look up at the ceiling. He looked like he  _ really  _ didn’t want to tell me whatever he was about to say out loud. 

Fuck, I really was about to be fired.

“I saw Y/N last night,” he said, still staring up at the high ceiling. 

I froze. Those were  _ definitely  _ the last words I’d expected to come out of his mouth. 

“You--what?”

“At the club I was at,” he sighed. For some reason, he was completely unable to meet my eyes. 

What? She was at a  _ club _ ? 

Sure, we liked to go out and have fun every once in a while, especially since her friend Dami had such good connections from her job, but did she really go out to a  _ club  _ mere days after our break up?

Was she really that okay?

“Did she--” I started to ask, but my brain was buzzing with too many thoughts to form a clear question. I sighed quietly, ignoring Jooheon’s nervous fidgeting, and tried again. “Who was she there with?”

“Oh, not sure,” Jooheon shrugged. “I noticed her sitting with a pretty guy; looked like he was still in university? And two girls, who might have been girlfriends?”

Minhyuk, Bora, and Dami… assumably.

It made sense. Min and Bora had somehow managed to convince Y/N to have a girl’s night to drink away any thoughts of her ex-boyfriend, surely. The thought of it stung. Sure, they were her friends that she’d made on her own in university, but they’d become my friends, too. And now they were dragging her out for a night on the town to some fancy club? Helping her wash away memories of me with overpriced drinks?

Part of me knew that they were only trying to be good friends, and that it was kind of them to offer her a distraction when she was going through such a difficult time.

But, still. I didn’t want to be reasonable in that moment. I just wanted to be miserable.

“Did she--was she--did she leave with the others?”

Y/N wouldn’t hook up with some random guy from the club. I knew her, better than I knew anyone else in this world. Better than I knew myself, maybe.

But, maybe I didn’t. 

Maybe the version of her that existed in this world as the  _ ex- _ girlfriend of Im Changkyun was a completely different person. Hadn’t that been the point of this entire thing? Neither one of us really knew who we were without the other person. 

Damn it. I was crying again. 

Jooheon looked like he wanted to say something else, or maybe answer my question, but the sight of me sobbing again, in the middle of his million-dollar penthouse apartment, caused him to pause just as he opened his mouth to form words. 

And then, much to my surprise, he hugged me. 

Quick and bro-like, but… still, a hug.

“Hey,” Jooheon said, placing both of his hands firmly on my shoulders and looking into my eyes.

“What?” I sounded pathetic. Voice cracked from all the crying, sniffling from a runny nose… 

“Let’s go to Tokyo,” he said.

“Where?”

“Tokyo.”

“Hyung, what?”

Jooheon offered me a soft smile. “Let’s take the jet, go to Tokyo for a few days, and just blow off some steam. We’ll bring some guys from the label, too. We’ve all been so stressed and you could clearly use some time away from this city.”

He had a point. 

Well, fuck. What did I have to lose?

The only way is forward, after all.

“Okay,” I replied. “Tokyo.”


	6. Kissing Other People

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N turns to the wise Kihyun for advice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're back to Y/N's POV!

_ Y/N’s POV _

Kihyun was giving me that look again. 

The look that said  _ I can tell something is wrong, but I’m just your thesis advisor, so even though we’re friendly, I shouldn’t pry into your personal life, but I also can’t help it, so please just tell me what’s wrong before I explode. _

I sighed, tossing aside the tenth draft of my thesis abstract and leaning forward to rest my forehead on top of Kihyun’s desk. Across from me, I could hear him shift uncomfortably in his seat. He had a pathetically tiny office in the university’s chemistry building; unsurprising, given that he was barely older than me and had just finished his doctorate degree two years ago.

Still, I knew he was one of the brightest professors at our school. I’d refused to accept anyone else to advise my own PhD. 

“Y/N… are you okay?” Kihyun asked quietly. 

“Changkyun and I broke up.” I didn’t even hesitate before saying it. It felt like it was getting easier to say aloud every time, and yet the words somehow still felt so foreign on my tongue.

“Oh, wow,” he murmured. “Haven’t you been together forever?”

I glanced up to shoot him a glare. He ignored it and instead reached forward to pat the top of my hand in what I assumed was meant to be a comforting-but-not-inappropriate gesture between professor and student.

“Seven years, yeah,” I sighed.

“That’s, uh… wow,” he replied, clearly at a loss for words. The thing was, Kihyun was really great at conversation, but only if that conversation was about biochemistry. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

“If you have a one-way ticket to a different planet, that’d be great,” I replied. “Minnie and Bora took me out to a club this weekend to try and get Kyun out of my system. They think I should have a wild single girl moment.”

“Uh oh.”

“Yeah… I, uh… hey, Kihyun?” 

He raised an eyebrow at my odd shift in tone. “What?”

“We’re friends, right?” I asked.

“Of course,” Kihyun replied, albeit a little timidly. 

“Then I’m going to admit something to you, as a friend to another friend,” I responded, sitting back in my seat and slouching down. “Ignore the fact that you’re advising my biochemical thesis on the regulation of gene expression in eukaryotic cells.”

“Um,” he said. “Sure.”

I sighed again. “I slept with his boss.”

I watched his jaw drop for the slightest of seconds before he managed to collect himself.

“Changkyun’s boss?” he asked, eyes wide.

“Yeah,” I murmured, resting my head back against the chair and glaring up at the ceiling. “Changkyun’s boss.”

“Like, his  _ boss  _ boss?” Kihyun pushed. “Or just, like, his supervisor?”

“His  _ boss  _ boss, Kihyun.”

“You’re telling me you slept with Lee Jooheon.”

“I did.”

“You, Y/N Kim, slept with Lee Jooheon.”

“Correct.”

“Changkyun’s boss.”

“That’s the one.”

Much to my surprise, Kihyun chuckled. I glanced up at him in confusion.

He shrugged, smirking slightly. “That’s a bad bitch move. I’m kind of proud of you.”

I snorted. “You’re  _ proud _ ?”

Kihyun picked up my crumpled abstract from the edge of his desk and started smoothing it out as he explained. “Honestly, I’ve always worried about you. You always followed all the rules perfectly.”

I frowned. “What do you mean?”

“Like, perfect, long-term boyfriend, perfect grades, perfect career outlook, perfectly polite behavior… I always wondered if maybe one day you would just lose your mind.”

Maybe I should’ve been offended, but Kihyun had a way of doling out the tough love type of talk in a very affectionate way. He was like a stern mother or something.

I bit my lip. “You’re one to talk.”

Kihyun laughed loudly at that. “Me? Perfect? Okay.”

“Name one thing you don’t do perfectly,” I challenged.

Kihyun rolled his eyes. He’d finished straightening out the crumples in my abstract and uncapped a red pen to underline something on the page. 

“You should’ve known me even three or four years ago,” he replied, eyes focused on the words I’d written even though his sentence had nothing to do with my doctoral thesis.

I grinned and straightened up in the chair. “Tell me more.”

He shook his head, smirk reappearing. “Another time.”

I pouted as he drew a red circle around a section of the abstract and slid it back across the desk at me. 

“Are you still interested in a one-way ticket to another planet?” he asked.

Furrowing my brow in confusion, I looked down at the page. He hadn’t corrected anything, but merely circled the hypothesis. 

“What are you talking about?”

He was quiet for a minute. I watched impatiently as Kihyun put the cap back on his pen, chucked it back in the mason jar holding a dozen other pens, and then settled back in his rickety chair, biting his lip.

“There’s a fellowship in London this summer,” he said. “Dr. Lee at King’s College is teaching a 6-week course, ending with a small research conference. It’s a great networking opportunity and, of course, Dr. Lee is a genius. It’s incredibly competitive, but our university wants to sponsor a student from the biochemistry department to attend. Are you interested?”

“Interested? In London?” I was definitely sitting up straight now. It wasn’t another planet, but it  _ was _ on the other side of the planet. 

Maybe that’s really what I needed. Distance.

Not to mention all the cute British boys I’d meet.

Kihyun was watching the gears spin in my head, drumming the tips of his fingers on the desk between us. 

“Yeah,” I finally answered. “I’m definitely interested.”

“Great,” he replied. “Because I already submitted your application last month and you were accepted. Your flight leaves on Thursday.”


	7. Younger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Changkyun does some soul searching.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're back to Changkyun's POV... and back to even more angst :)

_ Changkyun’s POV _

Our weekend in Tokyo had turned into almost an entire week in Tokyo. 

We’d been enjoying ourselves too much. Jooheon had brought along two other guys at the label, and the four of us all clearly had our own issues to process and stress to release. 

I spent most of the trip being shocked at Jooheon. He was always such a focused workaholic. He hardly ever took breaks from work. Always in the studio or the practice room or the board room or promoting at a music show or on tour. He never rested. 

But, it didn’t seem like he spent a single minute doing anything work-related the entire time in Tokyo. He didn’t even bring it up to the rest of us; it was as if we were just a group of friends on vacation together.

Maybe part of me should’ve been concerned for my boss, because he was clearly hell-bent on distracting himself from some negative emotions, but I was far too preoccupied with nursing my own emotional issues.

I understood why Y/N went to the club only days after we officially broke up. Something about the alcohol and the lights and the bass pounding in my blood managed to cleanse her from my thoughts. It felt freeing. It felt good.

It was for the best, after all. For us to just be apart from each other. For us to take some time to be separate people. To learn what we are like when we aren’t half of a whole. 

_ Right? _

A strange sense of melancholy settled over me when Jooheon’s jet landed back in Seoul. I stood on the tarmac while the others gathered their bags. As they chattered behind me, discussing grabbing food before parting ways, I caught sight of another jet nearby offloading the passengers.

Two of them were a young couple, hand in hand as they descended the steps. The man squinted against the late afternoon as he smiled at the woman, willing to go blind just to look at her face. 

I was frozen in place watching as they swung their entwined hands between them. The woman twirled away from him once they reached the tarmac and the man laughed loudly, reaching forward to wrap his arms around her waist and pull her in close back to him. She smiled as she returned his kiss.

They looked like the happiest people on the planet.

And it was in that moment when I gained the sense of clarity that I’d been searching for. 

I was a fool. I was stupid. I was the dumbest person in the entire world.

I loved Y/N with every cell in my entire body. What the hell was I doing letting someone as beautiful and kind and intelligent and wonderful as her go? Never in a million years would I ever love another person as amazing as her; I was certain of that.

I shouldn’t be standing here on the blazing black concrete, nursing a hangover from a six-day bender in Japan with my friends. I shouldn’t be spending every minute convincing myself that I was better off alone. 

I should be with her, begging her to forgive me. Begging her to take me back. Begging her to spend the rest of her life with me. 

“Changkyun? Are you okay?” Jooheon’s voice sounded slightly muffled, as if it was coming from far away. My head spun.

“I… yeah,” I replied, still frozen to the spot. “I have to go.”

“Go?” Jooheon asked. He sounded confused. Slightly concerned, too.

“There’s something I need to do.”

And then I ran. 

I wasn’t sure why I was running through the airport like a crazy man. I couldn’t explain why I barked at the taxi driver to speed as if my life depended on it. All I knew was that I needed to be near her, needed to see her, needed to close the distance between us as soon as possible.

When I got to her building, I was lucky enough to slip in right behind a few residents with access cards, avoiding having to be buzzed in by someone inside. I took that as a good sign and leaped up the seven flights of stairs three at a time. 

Practically throwing myself at the door to her apartment, I knocked so hard I knew I’d have bruises on my knuckles. It was Friday afternoon. She didn’t have class, but she could be on campus studying. 

_ Please be here, please be here, please be here _ , I prayed.

Loud swearing came from inside the apartment until finally the door was flung open. 

Minhyuk stood in the doorway, hair messy and clothes rumpled as if he’d been in bed. 

“Changkyun?” The anger at being disturbed from his slumber quickly melted into pure confusion. 

“Is Y/N home? I--” I paused, catching sight of the tall figure behind Minhyuk. He was equally disheveled. “Hyungwon?”

Hyungwon’s eyes grew wide at the sight of me. He glanced at Minhyuk and then looked back at me, clearly at a loss for words.

“I didn’t know you were in Seoul?” I asked, temporarily forgetting why I was there in the first place.

“Yeah,” he replied. “Just briefly. I go back to Europe tomorrow.”

“Oh.”

“I was sad to hear you were away.”

“Yeah,” was all I could manage in response, suddenly realizing why my childhood best friend was looking freshly fucked in the apartment of Y/N’s incredibly pretty and charming artist roommate. “You two--?”

“Dude, what are you even doing here?” Minhyuk cut in. 

I was grateful for the demand to focus, as harsh as it was. 

“Is Y/N here?” I asked, stepping past the threshold and moving toward her bedroom at the back of the apartment.

“Kyun, she’s gone,” Hyungwon called after me. I heard Minhyuk curse again as he shut the front door. 

“When will she be home? Did she say?” I asked, being so bold as to turn the doorknob to her bedroom and look inside. 

“She… Kyun…” Hyungwon trailed off.

I took in the sight in front of me. 

Her bed was perfectly made, the way it never was. Her closet was open, half-empty. The surfaces of her desk, dresser, and shelves were also missing enough of their usual knick-knacks for it to be significantly noticeable. 

“She went to London,” Minhyuk explained, coming up behind me. Despite his new hatred for me, his voice was oddly soft. Maybe I looked pathetic enough to earn sympathy even from him. “She got accepted into a fellowship. She left yesterday.”

“When will she be back?” I asked.

“Six weeks I think?”

Six weeks. 

She wasn’t just gone for the evening, busy studying at school or getting dinner with her classmates. She was on the other side of the world.

She’d just left yesterday. I’d barely missed her. I’d been busy getting wasted in some stupid Tokyo club, trying to drink away the memory of us, while she was packing her bags to go on some incredible adventure by herself. 

Y/N was so much stronger than me. She was already living a life without me.

I walked into her bedroom and sat down on the edge of her bed. Minhyuk and Hyungwon watched me from her doorway, visibly worried. 

I dropped my head into my hands.

It was really over.


	8. Out of Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The truth behind the breakup, as shown through a series of shattered moments.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is told from a third person POV. I think what I'm trying to explain is that breakups aren't always black and white or easy to understand. Sometimes they are very complicated and don't make a whole lot of sense :(

_ One month ago - a moment, shattered _

This was how it began. Or rather, ended.  The beginning of the end.

Changkyun and Y/N were sprawled on the carpet of his bedroom, basking in the warm, golden glow of the afternoon sun that poured in from outside. He was listening to music, something new he’d been working on, in his headphones, humming quietly while he stared up at the ceiling. Y/N was resting her head on his stomach, focusing on organic chemistry nonsense for class. 

Suddenly, he tugged out his earbuds. 

“Do you ever wonder why we’re together?” he asked.

Y/N was used to him asking random, vaguely philosophical questions. He was like that sometimes.

She shrugged and turned the page of her textbook. “What do you mean?”

“Like, why are we boyfriend and girlfriend?” he continued. Something in the tone of his voice caused Y/N’s stomach to flip. 

She closed the book and set it aside, but remained where she was laying on him. “Because we love each other?”

“But, do we?” he pressed.

She sat up and turned to stare at him in surprise. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“No, no, no, baby,” he said, waving his hands and furrowing his brow. “I just mean… are we together because we actually love each other or because we are so used to it?”

Changkyun never talked like this. He was only ever soft and attentive, kind of like a kitten. Sometimes Y/N was overwhelmed by the amount of affection he was capable of giving her. 

But, at that moment? She felt stung by his words.

“Well, I’m definitely with you because I love you,” She snapped, standing up and shoving her things into her bag. “Let me know when you figure out your side of it.”

“Baby, come on, you know that’s not what I meant,” Changkyun called after Y/N as she stormed out of his apartment. But, he didn’t follow her. He didn’t text her. He didn’t even call her until the next day. 

They hardly ever fought. Changkyun just wasn’t the type to argue and, though Y/N tended to be quite hot-headed in her own right, fighting with him felt like fighting with a very serene lake. Of course, they’d had their fights over the seven years they had been dating. It was natural. No couple was perfect.

But, something about that argument had felt different to Y/N.

  
  


_ Three weeks ago - a conversation overheard _

“Don’t you worry that maybe we’re getting too comfortable?”

“Isn’t that just maturity? A sign that we’re proper adults in love, ready to settle down?”

“But, do you really want to settle down at twenty-three?”

“I don’t know, Changkyun! But, I do know that I love you! Is that what you’re saying? You don’t love me anymore?”

“Of course I love you.”

“Then, what’s the problem?”

“We’ve been together since we were sixteen, Y/N. We literally grew up as a pair. Being with each other is really all our post-puberty brains know. Don’t you wonder who you might be, just alone? Just you?”

“I know who I am. I don’t need to be alone to know that.”

Changkyun looked at Y/N like he didn’t believe her.

“You’re the only girl I’ve ever loved.”

“You’re the only boy I’ve ever loved.”

“Isn’t that strange, though? That we’ve only been with each other?”

Y/N froze. “So, you want to see other people?”

“I just--”

“Did you sleep with someone else?”

“ _ Y/N _ , come on, don’t be ridiculous--”

“Don’t fucking lie to me, Im Changkyun. You know I can always tell,” she whispered, fire raging in the center of her chest, as if her heart was about to explode. The room was spinning. She felt like she might throw up. 

  
  


_ Two weeks ago - a confession _

“It was a few months ago. I met her when I went to that conference in Los Angeles with the label. It was stupid. I regret it. But, it made me think…”

“Oh, it really made you think, huh?” Y/N snapped. “Well, I’m so glad that you fucking some random California bitch helped you embark on some deep spiritual journey, Changkyun.”

“Y/N, don’t be like this.”

“Me? Don’t be like this? How else would you like me to be?”

  
  


_ One week, three days ago - the finale _

“I think we should break up.”

It shocked both of them that Y/N was the first one to utter the words out loud. Her faith in true love had always been the strongest.

She inhaled deeply and took his hands in hers. “I can forgive you for cheating on me. We are human and we make mistakes. But, I can’t forgive you for your harsh words, your emotional distance, and the pain you have caused me the past few weeks. Not yet, anyway.”

That was when Y/N and Changkyun both started crying. 

The rest was mostly a blur, but the only thing that really mattered was that, at the end of it, they parted ways. Single. Two single people, no longer together. 


	9. Not Thinkin' Bout You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N returns home after eight wonderful weeks of separation... but her ignorant bliss is short-lived.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO - time jump! I felt like the flow of this story needed a small fast-forward after the melodrama of the first eight chapters. Plus, it's always really interesting to see how much things and people can change in such a short amount of time.
> 
> Oh, and we also meet Y/N's little brother :)

_ Two months later - Y/N’s POV _

I felt like I had to drag myself back home from London. When the fellowship ended, I extended my trip for another two weeks because I was enjoying myself so much. I felt so free in London; far away from all the heartbreak and tragedy of Seoul. I could roam the winding streets and wander along the Thames, get lost in gardens and sip champagne on rooftops. Everyone who knew me in London knew me as Y/N…  _ just  _ Y/N. Not Changkyun’s girlfriend, or rather, Changkyun’s ex-girlfriend. 

Of course, Hyungwon was close by in Paris, but I loved that I got to see him almost every week. I’d missed him during the past couple of years when his modeling career really took off. Our friendship had flourished again, especially now that he’d been maintaining a long-distance flirtation with Minhyuk after what sounded like a very  _ passionate _ time together a couple months ago. 

But, a childhood friend from my hometown was getting married and my mother would kill me if I didn’t come home to attend the ceremony. She didn’t care about the spiritual journey I was on; I had a  _ duty _ to show my face at a major town event. Hyungwon had told me his own mother had said the same thing, so he’d left Paris a few days ago to get home. 

I had, however, thrown a small fit about him bringing Minhyuk as his date to the wedding, mostly because that had been my plan in order to avoid showing up alone. 

Sighing quietly from the backseat of my taxi, I eyed the congested city traffic with a disgruntled fondness.

My phone started ringing and I grinned when I saw my little brother’s name pop up.

“Joongie!” I answered. “Long time, no talk.”

Hongjoong, who was two years younger than me, but decades wiser and more mature, chuckled on the other end of the line. 

“Y/N, please tell me you’re back in the country and on your way home,” he whined. “Mom is losing her mind.”

“What’s new?” I replied. “Remind her that weddings are supposed to be fun.”

“She’s getting existential again,” he said. “I wanted to call and warn you that she’s definitely going to bother you about… you know…  _ him _ .”

I snorted. “You can say his name.”

“Changkyun,” Hongjoong said. “She had a meltdown this morning about how it should be  _ your  _ wedding we’re attending in two days.”

The pang in my chest was faint. It’d been growing fainter as the days passed. Soon, I was sure that the mention of the beautifully romantic future I’d almost had would no longer hurt at all. 

That’s what healing was, right?

I forced an easy laugh. “Even if Kyun and I were still together, I can promise her we would most certainly  _ not  _ be getting married in two days.”

“That’s what I said!” he responded. “But, you know how she is.”

“Well, thanks for the warning,” I told him. “I’m just stopping by my apartment to grab a few things and then I’ll be on the next train home.”

As soon as I hung up with Hongjoong, my phone started ringing again. This time, it was Minhyuk, and he wasted no time in getting to the point.

“Hey, Min,” I answered.

“Okay, like, are you  _ sure  _ he likes me?” 

I giggled. Both Hyungwon and Minhyuk had been pelting me with the same question all summer, begging me to tell them if the other was interested in them. I’d insisted they simply ask each other directly, but I also enjoyed being their confidante. I felt like an incredibly successful wingman, and would happily take credit for forcing Minhyuk to interact with Hyungwon all those weeks ago at  _ Medicine  _ club. 

Of course, the major roadblock to them being in a relationship was the fact that Minhyuk was a starving artist who still had to finish his degree and Hyungwon was a jet-setting international model, but neither one of them seemed determined to get into anything too serious right away. 

“Minhyuk, he’s literally taking you as his date to a wedding,” I sighed.

“Yeah, but what if it’s just a friend thing?”

“It’s not just a friend thing.”

“Are you sure, though?”

“Minnie, I am sure.”

“...so he likes me?”

I snorted. “I’m hanging up.”

“Love youuuu!” he yelled. “See you soon!”

I ended the call, smiling to myself in the back of the car. I had missed my friends. I wished Bora had been able to come with me to the wedding, but she was away on a three-month backpacking trip with Dami that they’d been planning for over a year. She wouldn’t be back for several more weeks. 

The traffic started moving along a little faster as I scrolled mindlessly through my phone. I flipped through photos I took of London, of Hyungwon and I in Paris, of me and the other fellowship students on our weekend trip to Edinburgh. My smile looked so genuine in all the photos; it soothed me to see that the happiness I felt wasn’t completely a facade. 

My thumb froze on the next picture. I’d scrolled back too far and landed on a selca I’d taken of Minnie, Bora, Dami, and I just before that fateful night at  _ Medicine _ .

And then, as if the universe was playing a joke on me, the taxi driver switched radio stations and I heard the familiar, honey-sweet pitch of Jooheon’s voice. 

I closed my eyes, trying to keep back the memories of that voice in my ear… laughing, whispering,  _ moaning _ … 

I didn’t recognize the song. It must have been a new release, one that hadn’t reached international ears in London yet. 

Suddenly, a jolt of electricity struck my body at the additional sound of a voice I would recognize even in the afterlife. 

But… no, it wasn’t possible. 

Of course, it was completely possible. What was I even thinking?

The deep croon of his voice, soft like velvet, but with an undeniably sexy edge, buried itself in my ears. The delicately rhythmic cadence of his rap twirled itself around my head, making me feel dizzy. 

I hadn’t heard his voice in months. 

Hadn’t even seen his face in just as long. 

His verse of the song ended and Jooheon’s voice returned. My stomach twisted, remembering the betrayal I’d committed by sleeping with my ex-boyfriend’s boss mere days after ending our seven-year relationship. I assumed Jooheon hadn’t said anything to him about it. I couldn’t imagine they’d be collaborating artists if so. 

When the song was over, I inhaled sharply, as if I hadn’t been breathing the entire time. 

The radio host then said, “And that was ‘Glass Half Empty’, this summer’s hottest track that’s been taking up the top space in the charts for weeks! Recorded, of course, by Korea’s well-loved Joohoney featuring the very talented new rapper and producer, I.M! We’re all looking forward to hearing more from him!”

_ I.M… _

I couldn’t help smiling. Ever since we were little kids, he talked about the stage name he’d use when he became a music producer. He had countless ideas, but “I.M” was his favorite. It was my favorite, too.

I had to admit to myself that I had thought about him throughout the summer. I wondered what he was doing. Wondered if he was moving on like we both promised we would, even after that last kiss we shared in my living room when he came to collect his things. 

It was a relief to hear that he’d been doing well. He’d been doing so well, in fact, that Lee Jooheon, one of the most famous young solo idols in our country, had asked him to feature on a single. I’d always believed he had it in him to be successful. 

And even though he wasn’t my boyfriend anymore, and would, from this point on, simply be a boy that I used to love, I was proud of him. I only wanted the best for him. 


	10. Phases

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Changkyun sees Y/N again for the first time in months...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter in Changkyun's POV! More angst! More yearning!
> 
> I promise Y/N slutty's adventures are coming back soon...

_ Changkyun’s POV _

Y/N’s father was nowhere near as terrifying as her mother, and I had known them both my entire life, but somehow I was still a bundle of nerves as the wedding-goers gathered in the pews of the church and Mr. Kim settled down beside me with Y/N’s little brother Hongjoong. 

“Changkyun, you’ve grown more handsome since I’ve last seen you,” said Mr. Kim. From his other side, Hongjoong offered me a nod in greeting. He had such an endearing maturity about him, even as a kid.

“Thank you, Mr. Kim,” I replied, bowing respectfully. 

“It has been a very long time,” he continued.

I cleared my throat awkwardly. “Yes, my apologies. Work has been very busy.”

Mr. Kim nodded slowly. “Right. Not to mention the fact that you and my daughter broke up.”

Hongjoong groaned quietly and muttered something about going to find Hyungwon, standing up and hurrying away in a matter of seconds. 

I sighed quietly, but Y/N’s father clearly had more to say. 

“I thought I would call you my son-in-law one day,” said Mr. Kim. 

I was getting better these days. I could go hours without a thought or memory of her flitting through my mind. Still, the pain was there. I knew it would be there for a long time. I’d be living with my mistake for years, I was sure. 

The softness in her father’s voice surprised me. He was usually so somber. He was a physics professor, and was one of the smartest people I knew. It made sense that Y/N wanted to follow in his footsteps. 

“I’m sorry, sir,” I replied, trying my best to keep my throat from getting tight. Eventually, I’d stop being so sensitive.

“Im Changkyun!” came a familiar feminine voice behind me, interrupting before Mr. Kim could say anything more. I turned to find Y/N’s mother, Hyungwon’s mother, and my mother, arms linked together, hurrying toward our pew with determined expressions. My father followed behind, already looking exhausted. 

I greeted Mrs. Kim and Mrs. Chae politely and ignored my mother’s pointed looks. Despite all the career success I’d been experiencing lately, thanks to Jooheon, she kept watching me like I was a ticking time bomb and expected me to explode at any moment. 

“Where on earth is my daughter?” sighed Mrs. Kim. She glanced at me. 

I shook my head. I certainly didn’t know. I hadn’t seen Y/N in months. Part of me had been dreading this small town wedding, knowing that it meant I would see her again, but the other part of me had been looking forward to it. I’d seen her social media posts about her summer in London. It looked like she’d had a really good time. 

I was happy for her. She deserved to be happy. 

My eyes scanned the church as guests continued to slowly trickle in. It was a beautifully warm summer day; a really wonderful day to get married. 

I excused myself, ignoring the looks from both of my parents, and wandered out into the church lobby to get a breath of fresh air from the doors that had been flung open to tempt in the sunny breeze. 

“Changkyun, is that you?” I immediately recognized an old friend from school, who I hadn’t spoken to in years. 

“Hey, how’s it going?” I replied, relieved to have a distraction. My mind was headed to a depressing place again, imagining that Y/N and I would’ve had a small town wedding like this, too. 

“How’s it going? Man, it’s crazy! I hear you on the radio nowadays!” A couple more classmates overheard and meandered over. It was a light conversation. Easy. Much to my surprise, they didn’t ask about Y/N. I assumed that everyone’s first question, if they hadn’t already heard the news, would be why Y/N and I hadn’t arrived at the wedding attached by the hip. 

Of course, I had the thought too soon.

“Whoa, holy shit,” muttered one of my old friends, gaping at someone over by the entrance. 

“Is that Y/N Kim?” asked a girl nearby. “How is it possible she got even more beautiful?”

I took a deep breath before following everyone’s gaze. 

Sure enough, floating in like a goddess, haloed by the sun’s rays, Y/N entered the church. She was wearing a pretty blue dress made of delicate wisps of gossamer that left her perfectly smooth shoulders bare. Her black hair was longer since the last time I’d seen her, styled in flawless curls. 

She was, without a doubt, the most gorgeous person I’d ever seen. I didn’t think it was possible to ever forget just how stunning she was, but seeing her again after so long apart was like a shock of electricity in my spine. I felt wildly alive, but also thoroughly scorched. 

Her entrance was followed closely by Minhyuk and Hyungwon, holding hands, both of them looking like they just walked off the pages of Vogue. They kept by her side as they moved across the lobby. 

I could feel the eyes on me. Questioning glances. The ones I’d expected.

I knew what they were all thinking. 

_ Why had Y/N and Changkyun shown up separately? _

_ Why was Y/N with Hyungwon and that pretty boy instead of Changkyun? _

_ Why was Changkyun looking at Y/N like he hadn’t seen her in months? _

Finally, one of my former classmates had the guts to say something out loud.

“Wait… what’s going on?”

Before anyone could answer his question, Y/N’s gaze finally found mine. 

My heart trembled slightly, but I urged it to stay quiet. I could do this. I could handle this. One day at a time. 

The only way is forward.

I offered her a gentle smile. Much to my surprise, Y/N approached me immediately and engulfed me in a hug. It only took me a few seconds to answer the embrace with as much energy. 

When she let go, she smirked up at me. “I can’t believe you wrote a song about me.”

And just like that, it was like the old days. Easy conversation. Not just lovers, but also best friends who had known each other their entire lives. 

I chuckled and shook my head. “I’ve written a lot of songs about you.”

She laughed. “Yeah, but none that have charted at number one for  _ weeks _ . You’re amazing.”

We stared at each other for a beat of silence, a lifetime flowing between us. 

Thankfully, Minhyuk broke the spell. 

“Explain to me, Changkyun, how it’s possible that your shoulders have gotten even wider since I last saw you?” he said. 

“I was going to say the same thing,” Hyungwon added. “You’re not the skinny little kid you were in high school anymore.”

I snorted and elbowed my childhood friend in the ribs. “No, but you still are.”

“Okay, come on, boys,” Y/N sighed, playfully grabbing both me and Hyungwon by the elbows and pulling us further into the church toward our families. 


	11. Bad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N gets some advice from her favorite bros.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY... Shownu and Wonho are here! I'm sorry they are more minor characters, but they will show up here and there as the story keeps going :)

“I can’t believe you,” sighed Hoseok, shaking his head at me in faux disappointment as he dished out food on my mine and Minhyuk’s plates. 

Hyunwoo, his husband, snorted quietly as he brought out beverages from the fridge. He was the quieter of the couple, and while both of them gave off the energy of old wise men, Hyunwoo always seemed like the older and wiser one. 

“I was just as shocked as you are,” Minhyuk replied, accepting a freshly opened beer from Hyunwoo. 

Hoseok and Hyunwoo, though a few years our senior, were mine and Minhyuk’s favorite neighbors. When we moved into our building two years ago, we met them right away when they offered to help us carry our things into the apartment. They were both very big and muscular men, so Minhyuk and I were eager to accept the help. 

It turned out, the couple owned a gym in a fashionable part of the city. A fairly successful gym, too. Hyunwoo managed most of the administration side of the business, while Hoseok focused on personal training. They’d had some pretty high-profile clients already, even though they’d only been open for a few years.

But, other than being helpful, Hyunwoo and Hoseok were two of the kindest and funniest people that we knew. When Bora moved into our third bedroom last year, they also helped her, and then they threw us a small party to celebrate. It’d become a tradition of ours for the three of us to go over to Hyunwoo and Hoseok’s apartment every Wednesday evening for dinner. Of course, not a single one of us liked to cook, so we usually ended up ordering in, but the meal was still incredibly meaningful to us. 

I sighed and stabbed the chopsticks a little too harshly into my food. “It was just a dance.”

“A dance at a  _ wedding _ ,” Hoseok responded, clucking his tongue. “There’s a lot of subtext there.”

“And the two of you were dancing  _ very  _ closely,” Minhyuk added. “It’s a good thing I sent Hongjoong to cut in between the two of you.”

I rolled my eyes. They were talking about the wedding that Minhyuk and I had been forced to attend last weekend. More specifically, they were discussing the fact that Changkyun and I had shared a dance together, which had been a topic of gossip by nearly every single wedding guest, especially when paired with the news that we’d recently broken up. 

And, I had to admit, the dance felt rather… intimate. But, what did anyone expect? Changkyun and I had been in love for years, and best friends for even longer. We’d cried, laughed, and slept together. Of course any time we were in the same vicinity, the air would feel a little charged. That was only natural, in my opinion.

“Well, whatever your perception of the moment was, I am totally over him,” I snapped.

Hyunwoo sighed and offered me a bite of his own food across the table. I accepted, but I kept my pout in place. Something about Hyunwoo was so calming, and he knew it. 

“Don’t let these two troublemakers upset you,” he said, tapping my knuckles with his chopsticks and shooting a glare at Hoseok and Minhyuk. “We’re all on your side. We want to see you happy.”

“It’s okay if you’re not totally over him, you know,” Minhyuk offered. His voice was softer, devoid of it’s prior mischief. “I still think Bora and I had a great idea when we suggested you have a slutty year of self-discovery.”

“I thought it was a good idea, too,” I replied. “Until it ended up with me sleeping with my ex-boyfriend’s boss.”

Minhyuk patted my shoulder in an attempt to comfort me. “Maybe try again? And this time, avoid anyone you recognize as an employee of Honey Records.”

I groaned and dropped my head into my hands.

“Let’s change the subject,” offered Hyunwoo. 

“Yes!” exclaimed Hoseok, suddenly reanimated. “Min, tell me more about your love affair with Chae Hyungwon.”

I glanced up and felt a smile creep onto my face at the sight of Minhyuk’s cheeks turning rosy red. 

“Can’t we talk more about Y/N’s love life?” he whined. 

“Nope, the mood passed,” giggled Hoseok. “Tell me more about how you made out in the bushes at the wedding reception like a couple of teenagers.”

Minhyuk gasped. “Y/N! You told him that?”

I snorted. “Of course I did,” I grinned, shooting Hoseok a wink. “Secrets don’t make friends.”

I could tell that, through Min’s embarrassment, he was undeniably happy. Almost sickeningly happy. He’d had a schoolboy crush on Hyungwon long before he’d ever known that he was mine and Changkyun’s childhood friend. And now, thanks to fate and chance and destiny, they had crossed paths at the right time. 

Part of me felt proud to have been the one to leave them alone together at  _ Medicine  _ club. While one romance had ended that night, another one blossomed in its place. Nothing made me happier than seeing two of my closest friends fall for each other so hard.

“He’s so sweet,” Minhyuk sighed, pushing around the food on his plate absentmindedly. “He had to fly back to Paris right after the wedding, of course, but on the way to the airport, he had this whole speech about how he didn’t want to see anyone else, even while we were apart. He was so cute, it was like he’d rehearsed it.”

Hoseok sighed happily and reached for Hyunwoo’s hand across the table. 

“Obviously, it’s not perfect,” Minhyuk continued. “We’re still thousands of miles apart.”

“Well, with modern technology, you can certainly get creative with long-distance relationships,” said Hyunwoo. Hoseok and I snorted in unison as Minhyuk’s cheeks turned red again. 

Hyunwoo clucked his tongue at Hoseok and I snickering quietly. “You know that’s not what I meant, you perverts,” he said. 

“I think it’s adorable,” said Hoseok. “It reminds me of Hyunwoo and I when we were younger.”

My heart melted as Hyunwoo lifted Hoseok’s hand to his lips and gently kissed his wedding band. They’d gone to Thailand for their wedding, and then spent weeks backpacking around East Asia for their honeymoon. The photos of that trip were hung in frames all over the walls, and they were my favorite thing about their apartment. 

“It’s nothing serious,” Minhyuk insisted, though the look in his eyes betrayed the truth that he hoped it was, in fact, something serious. “We’re just… keeping it casual.”

“Mhm, sure,” I replied, nudging him with my shoulder. “Casual, but you’re not seeing anyone else.”

“What an interesting time we have ahead of us,” said Hyunwoo, cutting off Minhyuk before he could snap a reply at me. “It’s like the two of you have switched roles.”

Hoseok chuckled. “The romantic monogamist and the slutty one trade places. What could possibly go wrong?”

Minhyuk and I glanced at each other. I didn’t think either one of us realized that’s what had happened, but it was true. Minhyuk had never been the one to commit to just one person, and I’d only ever been committed to one person. 

Hyunwoo was right. We really did have an interesting time ahead of us. 


	12. Feel Something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N embarks on a slutty adventure: part two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Where my monzens at? My johfambebes? This one is for you :)
> 
> This chapter is rated 18+ for sexual content!

It was getting late. 

The fall semester had just started and I was already overwhelmed. With all of the research I was working on with Kihyun alongside the research and writing for my thesis, as well as the undergraduate courses I was the teaching assistant for, I knew I was in for a chaotic few months. 

I’d been in this tiny cafe for hours, pouring over a handful of journal articles that Kihyun recommended I read to help with the literature review outline I was working on. My brain felt like mush, and I was certain that the cafe, which I’d never been to before and practically stumbled into earlier that afternoon in a biochemistry-induced haze, was about to close for the night.

Sure enough, an unfamiliar male voice snapped me out of my scientific frenzy. 

“Man, you’ve been here for ages,” said the guy, a smile in his voice.

I glanced up. He must’ve been about my age. He was wearing a maroon apron and a name tag that was so crooked I couldn’t quite read it properly. Clearly, he worked here and he was about to kick me out. 

“Sorry,” I winced, quickly gathering all the papers into a messy stack and frantically searching around for the cap of my pen. “I lost track of the time.”

“Hey, hey,” he said, bending down and retrieving the pen cap from the floor. I hadn’t realized it fell from the table. “No worries. No rush. We’re closing in five minutes, but feel free to take your time. It’s just me closing tonight, and I’m kind of a slow cleaner.”

I looked around the small cafe. What had once been a lively place with students poured out all over the tables and chatter rising up to the ceiling had turned into a barren, silent room with not a single other soul to be seen but me and this nice employee.

“What time is it?” I asked him.

“Midnight,” he replied, offering a gentle smile.

I sighed and dropped my head into my hands. “Damn.”

“You were really in the zone,” he said. “Kind of fascinating to watch, honestly. I don’t think I’ve ever been that focused on anything in my life.”

Snorting, I lifted my head. He was kind of endearing. 

Not to mention, he was  _ tall _ . Like, really tall. And handsome. The kind of easy handsome that didn’t need bragging about. I liked that he had big, kind eyes and a friendly smile, too. A lot of handsome guys in this part of the city always tried to come across as aloof and cool. 

“I’m Johnny, by the way,” he said, bowing slightly.

“I’m Y/N,” I replied, returning the bow from where I sat. 

“You’re really pretty,” said Johnny. At first, I was surprised that he would be so bold, but then I realized the way he said it was less like a flirtation, and more like a statement of fact. “What do you study?”

“Oh, um, thanks,” I said, glancing down at the mess of notebook pages and stapled articles and textbooks with cracked spines on the table. “Biochemistry. Working on my doctorate.”

“Wow,” he breathed. “That’s awesome.”

I couldn’t help smiling at him. On top of being incredibly attracted to him, there was a certain charm about Johnny that I couldn’t quite explain to myself. There was a warmth to him that, in contrast to his imposing size and intimidating good looks, made him almost irresistible.

“Are you a student?” I asked.

He smiled and shook his head. “Nope. I’m a full-time barista. Coffee is my passion.”

The way he said it so honestly, as if foregoing a college degree was nothing to be ashamed of, made me like him even more. This Johnny guy simply did not care about anyone else’s judgment. 

“That’s really cool,” I replied. “It’s good to have passion.”

“I think so, too,” he answered. I watched as he pulled out a rag and spray bottle from his apron pocket and began wiping down the tables. He continued talking as he worked. “I used to study mechanical engineering, actually, but it wasn’t really my thing.”

“Mechanical engineering?” I asked, incredulous. I couldn’t picture this cheerful guy in a lab of pompous engineering students, their noses glued to calculators. 

“Yeah,” he laughed, guessing from my tone that I hadn’t expected him to admit something like that. “Thought it would be cool, but it turns out that I just want a simple life.”

I smiled to myself as I continued gathering my things. He kept working around me in easy silence as I shoved everything into my backpack and got up to leave. 

As I approached the door, he reached out a hand to touch my elbow and I stopped.

“Hey,” he said. “I know you’ve been studying for, like, hours and probably want to get some sleep, but is there any chance you’ll be free in three minutes when I’m done closing up this place?”

Hoseok’s words from the other night flashed in my mind.  _ The romantic monogamist and the slutty one trade places. What could possibly go wrong? _

This was definitely something Minhyuk would do. Flirt with a stranger, give them his number, and probably end up hooking up with them by week’s end. I’d always been fascinated by the process. The carefree way he would fall for a stranger, even if it was only for ten minutes, and then brush them off with a simple laugh. Part of me, even the me who had been madly in love with an amazing guy for seven entire years, was jealous of that. 

It all seemed so… fun. 

“I--” I bit my lip, taking in Johnny’s deep gaze and the mischievous upward quirk of his lips. 

Well, he certainly wasn’t an employee of Honey Records.  _ Definitely  _ not Changkyun’s boss. In fact, I sincerely doubted that there was any possibility that this Johnny guy and Changkyun even knew each other. This little cafe was nowhere near Kyun’s apartment nor his workplace. 

_ Maybe try again _ , Minhyuk had suggested.

Both of them made good points. After all, what did I have to lose? I was already single, stressed, and hadn’t had sex in months… it seemed to me like there was no better time to restart my “slutty adventure of self-discovery,” as my charming best friend had insisted on calling it. 

“Yeah,” I said to Johnny. “I’m free.”

\--------------------------------

Ten minutes later, we were wrapped around each other in the cafe’s tiny stockroom. 

Johnny’s lips were soft but insistent against mine. Our bodies pressed close together in the small space. His hands were all over me; roaming, caressing, grabbing. 

I was into it.  _ Really  _ into it. 

My sexual experience wasn’t exactly diverse, considering the only two people I’d ever hooked up with were my ex-boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend’s boss, but I still found myself marveling in how much Johnny differed from them. 

There was a quiet confidence about him. A dominance that was simultaneously casual. As if he knew how sexy he was, but didn’t think it was a big deal. 

I wasn’t even totally sure how we ended up here. All I could remember was that, mere minutes after agreeing to stay behind at the cafe while Johnny cleaned up, the tension had grown unbearably thick. I’d giggled when Johnny chucked the washrag away and grabbed me, pulling me behind the counter of the cafe. 

I wondered if he did this often. If convincing pretty girls who stayed too late at the cafe to disappear into the back room with him was how he passed his nights. It wouldn’t surprise me if he did, and I didn’t really care.

I wasn’t crammed in between shelves of coffee beans and paper cups, back pressed to a stack of cardboard boxes, because I wanted to pursue a committed relationship with this guy. I was here for the thrill of it. 

And because he was ridiculously handsome.

Suddenly, I couldn’t stop thinking about the growing stiffness I could feel through his jeans. More specifically speaking, I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I wanted to go down on him. After all, he’d been working hard all day at the cafe, serving hundreds of customers and cleaning up after messy patrons like me.

He deserved a little stress relief at the end of a long day.

With a gentle nudge against his chest, I pushed Johnny up against the back wall. Admittedly, it only allowed a few more inches of space between us in this very small closet-like stockroom, but it would do.

For a minute, Johnny looked at me in confusion. Maybe he was wondering why I’d pushed him away, worried that I’d suddenly changed my mind and was about to leave him high and dry.

I bit my lip against the smirk that grew on my lips. Then I sunk down onto my knees and tossed my hair back over my shoulder.

Johnny cursed under his breath, a sharp exhale escaping his lips. I held his gaze while I unbuttoned his jeans and tugged away the fabric enough to coax out his erection. The corner of his lips quirked up in the slightest of smirks as I casually stroked his length. I could tell he didn’t want to break our eye contact, but when I ducked down to suck gently on the tip, he cursed again and threw his head back. 

It really turned me on. Something about going down on men made me feel powerful. I could make them fall apart with just the simple touch of my tongue.

Humming in satisfaction at his reaction, I took more of him into my mouth and bobbed my head in a consistent rhythm. 

Johnny’s moans were deep. He pressed his lips closed tight against the sounds that fought to escape him. I watched his throat bob as he swallowed hard and moved one of his large hands to my hair. He rested it gently on the back of my head, weaving his fingers in my dark waves. 

“That feels so good,” he whispered. He didn’t need to tell me he was close; it was obvious. 

A surprised gasp erupted from his mouth as I sank my lips down over as much of his length as I could handle, which quickly turned into an almost guttural groan. With a smile, I slid my lips off him and finished him off with my hand, locking my gaze back on his while he came. 

“Shit… fuck…” he sighed, catching his breath for a moment. Then he caught sight of the stickiness that was on my hand and quickly fumbled behind him for a bundle of napkins in one of the boxes on the shelves. I cleaned my hand off, echoing his bashful smile while I wiped him off and tucked him back into his jeans.

I stood back up and bit my lip, grinning at his blushed cheeks and messy hair. 

“Um,” I said, fighting back a giggle. Why did I feel so proud of myself?

“How are you so good at that?” he breathed, wrapping his arms around me once again and pulling me close with a needy groan. 

I smiled into his kiss. 

Pulling away for the smallest of seconds, I admitted, “I’ve never done anything like that before.”

“What, go down on a guy?” Johnny asked, peppering kisses along my jaw.

I laughed. “No, I’ve done that. I meant, go down on a stranger in the cramped stockroom of a random coffee shop.”

He chuckled in response and then planted a surprisingly soft kiss on my lips. 

“First time for everything,” he murmured, breaking into a smile because he knew how cheesy he sounded. He kissed me deeply for a long moment and then, all humor gone from his voice, he pressed his lips to my ear and whispered, “Now let me take care of you.”

I felt his hands roaming down past my hips. The tone of his voice certainly made  _ something  _ happen between my legs, but the logical part of my brain knew how late it was and also knew that I had an early class tomorrow morning. 

“It’s okay,” I insisted. “You can pay me back another time,” I joked.

“Well, at least let me give you a ride home,” he replied. 

“Okay,” I answered, unable to stop myself from smiling at this kind, sexy man that I’d just met less than an hour ago. 

The night had certainly taken an unexpected turn of events. 


	13. Hurts Like Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N has a troubled heart and Changkyun receives some tough love...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is told from both POV! I've indicated where the POV switches from Y/N to Changkyun so please do not get confused :) 
> 
> Also, I hope any ahgabebes reading this enjoy *wink wink*

_ Y/N's POV _

“You did  _ what _ ?” gasped Bora, linking her arm with mine as we made our way down the street. The evening air was cool on my skin and I was slightly buzzing from the soju that Minhyuk, who was arm-in-arm with Dami somewhere on the sidewalk behind us, had insisted we chug before leaving the apartment. 

“I didn’t think it was a big deal!” I exclaimed. “Plus, it was really late! I couldn’t just walk home alone!”

“So you should’ve called a taxi, silly,” sighed Bora. “Instead, you got into a vehicle with a strange boy you just sucked off in the backroom of a cafe.”

“Okay, but isn’t calling a taxi the same thing as getting into a vehicle with a stranger?” I countered.

“Touché,” she replied, snorting quietly. 

“That’s not even the worst part,” added Minhyuk, carrying Dami on his back as the two of them caught up. Clearly, he’d been listening in on the entire conversation. 

I groaned and slapped my hand to my forehead. My roommates insisted on me branching out with my sexual partners, but also insisted on critiquing me every step of the way. Not that they were actually serious; I knew they were only being playful. Plus, I kind of appreciated the third-party input. I was, after all, completely new to sleeping around. 

“Tell me,” gasped Bora. “TELL ME.”

Minhyuk snickered. “She gave him her number, too.”

“No!” she shrieked. I giggled and shoved my face into her shoulder to hide my blush. “Y/N, why on  _ earth  _ did you do that?”

“I don’t know!” I moaned. “He was nice!”

Dami snorted. “He was  _ nice _ .”

“He had a nice dick, she means,” quipped Minhyuk.

Thankfully, we reached our destination at that point and my friends were momentarily distracted from poking fun at my naivety. 

Unfortunately, our destination came with an incredibly mixed bag of emotions. 

Jooheon was playing an intimate concert at a bar in a trendy part of town and had asked Changkyun to come and perform their hit single together. Dami had been the first to hear about it, thanks to her job, but Changkyun unexpectedly texted me mere minutes after Dami did to invite me to the show. 

I hadn’t even hesitated to say yes. He may have been my ex-boyfriend, but I was still so proud of him for his success and I wanted to support him. Bora and Minhyuk had taken some convincing, especially considering that it was  _ Jooheon’s  _ concert, but they had been Changkyun’s friends too and I could tell they wanted to see him on stage. 

My stomach twisted nervously as our little group skipped the line and approached the security at the front. I gave my name to the bouncer and he didn’t even need to glance down at the clipboard in his hands before stepping aside and allowing us in. Changkyun must have made sure that the staff knew we were VVIPs.

What a strange situation. When I was his girlfriend, this is what I imagined it would be like when he finally made it big. I’d get to skip the lines at his shows and receive special treatment by the staff and bring all my friends to see him perform. 

I shook my head to dispel all of those thoughts. That future was dead. 

I decided to focus instead on the fact that I was about to see Jooheon again for the first time in months. 

Literally… months.

The last time I’d seen him he was fast asleep and I was sneaking out of his million-dollar penthouse apartment. 

“I need alcohol,” I said. Minhyuk snorted, immediately reading the situation from the look in my eyes. 

“Get the woman some hard liquor, please, I’m begging,” he said to the bartender, gesturing to me over his shoulder. 

Dami nudged me gently in the ribs a minute later when I accepted my drink from the bartender with a grateful smile. “Changkyun is over in the corner with some guys from his label, but he hasn’t noticed us yet. Do you want me to wave him over or do you need a couple more minutes?”

God, I appreciated my friends.

I took a deep breath and then downed the incredibly strong drink in a few gulps. Minhyuk raised his eyebrows at me in concern, but I shook my head. 

“I’m good,” I told them. “Let’s go.”

“Oh,” replied Bora, following after me quickly with the others. “Oh,  _ we’re _ going over  _ there _ . To all the famous music dudes. Okay, cool.”

Changkyun spotted me when I was still several feet away. Just like every time we’d locked eyes across rooms for the past twenty-three years, Changkyun’s eyes immediately lit up. I watched an array of emotions cross his face at the sight of me. Happiness, warmth, hesitancy, sadness, and then back to a more timid form of happiness. 

I wondered if I looked the same to him. 

“Hey,” I said, trying to play it cool just like I had at the wedding last month. 

“Hey, you,” he answered, engulfing me in a casual hug. He hugged Bora and Dami next and then clapped Minhyuk on the shoulder.

“Thanks for the tickets, man,” said Min, taking on the role of diplomat despite the fact that he probably liked Changkyun the least out of the four of us. 

“No worries, no worries,” Changkyun answered, offering a smile. A brief moment of awkwardness fell over the five of us as we all sort of glanced away from each other and watched the crowd of concert-goers push in tight around the stage as the clock inched closer to show time. 

“Oh,” said Changkyun, turning slightly and smacking a guy next to him in the shoulder. “You guys should meet Jaebum. He works at the label, too.”

The guy turned around and I found myself swooning almost instantly. 

Im Jaebum. Defsoul. Perfect porcelain skin. Long, glossy black hair. Glimmering eyes. A gentle smirk. An array of piercings glittering under the lights. 

He was even more ridiculously beautiful in person. 

“Hi,” he said. “It’s nice to finally meet Kyun’s friends. Thought he was a loner this whole time.”

I could tell Minhyuk was physically holding himself back from correcting him, but, thankfully, Dami cut in before he could.

“So nice to meet you… I’m a big fan,” said Dami. “You’re one of my favorite producers.”

“Other than Changkyun, of course,” added Bora with a wink. 

Changkyun snorted at the two girlfriends openly flirting with Jaebum. 

But, for some reason, Jaebum was looking at me.

Like,  _ only  _ me. 

“You must be Y/N,” he said to me. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“Oh?” I replied, shooting Changkyun a look. He held up his hands in surrender. 

“All good things,” chuckled Jaebum. His gaze was so piercing, I almost felt naked under his eyes. He tilted his head slightly to the side as he looked at me, smiling the smallest of smiles.

“Well, then… did you hear I’m really curious to know when Defsoul volume six will be released?” I asked, surprising even myself with the smoothness of my reply.

To my delight, Jaebum laughed. His eyes crinkled at the corners when he did. 

I was vaguely aware of Minhyuk pulling Changkyun and another one of his coworkers into small talk as Jaebum moved closer to my side.

“Between you and me,” he answered. “I’m working on it right now.”

“You’re just saying that,” I chuckled, shaking my head. 

“No, seriously,” he said, grinning. “Been spending every spare minute on it. Just don’t tell my boss.” Jaebum nodded his head toward the stage. 

And, just like that, the lights went dim and a deep, smooth beat began playing from the speakers. My stomach dropped.

All the thoughts in my head dissolved into dust at the familiar figure that climbed up onto the stage from behind a curtain. It was such a tiny venue that there were no bad seats in the house. Even from the back corner, I could see him perfectly.

Every inch of him. 

Every single fucking perfect inch of him.

My heart felt as if it was about to beat out of my chest as the bass pounded up through the floorboards and into my bloodstream. 

And then I heard his voice.

Honey sweet with a rough edge, melting into my ears. Jooheon was a natural on the stage. The way he moved, the way he rapped, the way he winked and smiled at the audience… it was like he was born to do this. The stage lights hit him perfectly. His hair was shorter than the last time I’d seen him, but still black as night. 

He looked like he’d gained some more muscle, too. His white t-shirt hugged his shoulders and arms deliciously. 

Fuck. I’d really hoped I wouldn’t be affected like this. I’d hoped that I’d see him and think nothing of it. That I’d see him as nothing more than another attractive musician--one that I’d slept with, sure, but that was just a distant memory now. 

Unfortunately, I was completely under his spell again. I drank him in as he performed, almost completely unaware of time passing. 

A sharp sting of pain on my arm caused me to jump. I tore my eyes away from Jooheon to shoot a glare at Minhyuk, who had just pinched me. 

“Snap out of it,” he said in my ear to be heard over the music. “You’re not doing that man again.”

He had a point. 

Oh, god. A feeling like cold water being poured over my body took hold as I turned my head to look at Changkyun. He felt my gaze and shot me smile, completely unaware of the situation we were currently in. 

Because I wasn’t just at a concert supporting a boy I’d loved my whole life in the launch of his music career. 

I was at a concert with that boy, watching Lee Jooheon perform in front of us both, knowing with my whole heart that I had betrayed that boy by sleeping with his boss and trusted friend mere days after our tragic breakup. And I had no intention of telling him the truth.

Clearly, Joohoen hadn’t bothered either. 

So we were both liars. Maybe we were meant for each other, then.

“Seriously, Y/N,” Minhyuk whispered. “Focus on Jaebum or something. You’ve got a hot mess in front of you; it’s best to just go and kiss the random cutie who’s completely uninvolved.”

I snorted, relaxing a little. 

“You’re so crude,” I replied.

He was right, though. Maybe it was best to avoid both Jooheon and Changkyun for the rest of the night, beyond the obligatory congratulations. 

Plus, Jaebum was  _ stupid  _ hot. Unfairly sexy. Like God had just put a ridiculous amount of effort into perfecting him. And he was clearly interested in me.

Sighing heavily, I shook my head at Minhyuk, but he knew what I was about to do and he broke into a devilish smirk. 

“That’s my girl,” he murmured. 

Up on the stage, while Jooheon growled the lyrics to his song with raw passion, I turned to Jaebum and said, just loudly enough to be heard over the music, “He’s a really good performer.”

Jaebum nodded, watching his boss with obvious respect and admiration. “He’s insane.”

“I’d love to come to one of  _ your _ shows,” I replied.

Smirking, Jaebum turned his attention fully to me. “I don’t perform much. I’m not as much of a natural as him.”

“You’re being humble,” I told him.

“It’s the truth, believe me,” he replied, nudging me playfully with his shoulder.

I shook my head. “Well, I guess I’ll just have to see for myself and make my own judgment.”

Much to my surprise, Jaebum appeared to blush slightly at my words. I’d never noticed how easy it was to flirt with men; to make them feel flattered and flustered.

Before all of this, Changkyun had been the only one I’d ever halfway flirted with. 

“I’ll let you know then,” he answered softly. “What’s your number?”

While we exchanged numbers, I overheard Jooheon taking a short break on stage to speak casually with the small audience. He was incredibly charismatic, but I focused on my hands as I typed my number into Jaebum’s phone and watched as he shot me a quick text so I’d have his number in return.

“Kyun’s next,” Jaebum said, gesturing to the stage.

Sure enough, Jooheon glanced over to the right of the stage and grinned at a person I couldn’t see. I looked over to where I’d last seen Changkyun standing and noticed he was gone. He must have moved across the room while I was talking to Jaebum. 

“You all know this next song,” Jooheon announced into the mic. Loud hollers erupted from the audience. “I wrote it with a good friend of mine called Im Changkyun… but you’ll all know him as I.M. Come on up here, man!”

I couldn’t help the smile that spread onto my face as I watched Changkyun step up onto the small stage with a mic of his own. Of course, I’d seen him perform at various open mic nights and school talent shows over the years, but this was different.

I’d always been proud of him, but, in this moment, I’d never been prouder. 

I cheered loudly and clapped with the others. Dami and Bora whistled while Minhyuk hollered Changkyun’s name up to the ceiling. Changkyun noticed our little group’s antics and laughed, ducking his head to glance down at his shoes. 

Jooheon threw an arm around Changkyun’s shoulders and the first opening notes started. 

“Come on! Sing along everyone!” shouted Jooheon.

And we did. We all did. Even Jaebum and the other guys from the label joined in as we pushed closer to the stage, yelling the lyrics to that summer’s hit song. I ignored the fact that I knew the lyrics were about me. I lost myself in the catchy tune, grinning as everyone around me danced and jumped. 

Changkyun and Jooheon on stage together were amazing. Their performance chemistry was a marvel to witness. They fed off each other, hyping each other up, and moving like magnets. It was like they were sharing a brain. Changkyun’s deep rap complimented Jooheon’s higher pitch in a unique way, captivating every single person in the room.

\--------------------------------

_ Changkyun’s POV _

I was flying high. The performance had gone so well. The audience looked like they were lost in it, vibing with Jooheon and I in perfect synchronicity. 

Not to mention Y/N, who I saw happily yelling the lyrics along with everyone else. She knew that I’d written the lyrics about her, in memory of our relationship, but the song was so bouncy and fun that even I couldn’t help grinning while performing it. 

After the show, the audience dissipated into a more tame after-party type of situation. One of the perks of playing such an intimate venue, Jooheon had explained. He’d jumped off the stage to take photos and sign autographs for fans while I slipped away back to the others.

Bora and Dami threw themselves into my arms the minute they saw me, showering me in compliments. Even Minhyuk hugged me. 

Y/N, who looked so beautiful that night it made my chest ache, gave me a dazzling smile as she stepped toward me and wrapped her skinny little arms around my waist tightly. The gesture was so familiar, I felt my heart shatter a little.

It had been shattering every day since we ended it, in new and different ways each time.

She pulled away from me and I was surprised to see she had tears in her eyes. And yet, she continued to smile up at me. 

“I’m so proud of you,” she said.

I loved her so much.

I wanted to kiss her. If we were still together, this was the moment when I’d scoop her up into my arms and kiss her in front of everyone. I’d show off that the most beautiful girl in the room loved  _ me _ . Chose  _ me _ . 

Of course, that wasn’t real. Not anymore.

Instead, I laughed and patted her shoulders. “Come on. Come say hi to Jooheon.”

Minhyuk and the girls followed behind Y/N and I as we made our way back over to the stage where Jaebum and the guys had gravitated over to encourage the more, um,  _ devoted  _ fans to start dispersing away from Jooheon. 

Jooheon looked over at our approaching group with a grin still on his face from something Jaebum had said. Weirdly, the grin sort of froze into place as his eyes slipped from me to Y/N next to me. I was pretty sure they’d only met a handful of times before, and only for a few brief minutes. So, why did they both suddenly look so uncomfortable?

I decided to just ignore it and pressed forward.

“Jooheon, you know my gir--uh, my… my--?” I glanced down at Y/N and she chuckled in amusement. 

“I’m not quite sure how to introduce you anymore, either,” she replied, and then turned to Jooheon with a timid smile. “Hi... it’s nice to see you again.”

Jooheon sort of stared at her for a few seconds and then seemed to snap out of a trance. “Uh, nice to see you again, too.”

“Hey!” shouted Minhyuk suddenly. “Lee Jooheon! Nice to meet you, man!” 

Min to the rescue in awkward social situations, as always.

Of course, I still wasn’t sure what had made that interaction between Y/N and Jooheon so awkward. She normally wasn’t weird around celebrities, given that our childhood friend was an incredibly famous model, but maybe she was just having an off night. And Jooheon probably just paused because he was trying to remember Y/N’s face. 

“So, I hear you’re a big fan of my boyfriend,” Minhyuk was saying to Jooheon as Y/N slipped away from my side. 

Jooheon was clearly very amused by him and chuckled. “Who’s your boyfriend?”

“Hyungwon,” answered Minhyuk. 

I thought back to months ago when I’d desperately rushed across the entire city in a last-ditch effort to win back Y/N, only to discover she’d left the country and the only thing I’d managed to accomplish was interrupting a steamy hookup between Minhyuk and Hyungwon. 

Small world, really.

“Wait, wait, wait,” replied Jooheon. “Chae Hyungwon?”

“Yep,” said Minhyuk, smiling proudly.

“The same Chae Hyungwon that Changkyun grew up with?” 

“That’s the one,” Minhyuk answered, shooting me a wink. I was surprised by his friendliness, but I wasn’t going to fight it. 

“So many crossed wires,” replied Jooheon, shaking his head in disbelief at Minhyuk. “When’s he gonna be back in town? I’m dying to meet him.”

I snorted. “Why’ve you never asked  _ me _ that? I’ve known him longer.”

“Shush, shush,” was Jooheon’s playful response to me. “I’m trying to become best friends with Chae Hyungwon’s boyfriend.”

As Jooheon dissolved into conversation with, of all people, my ex-girlfriend’s roommate, I turned away briefly, not quite sure what I was searching for, but searching nonetheless.

My eyes fell on a sight that caused my stomach to twist uncomfortably.

Y/N, leaning casually against the edge of the stage, smiling at something Jaebum was whispering in her ear. He was standing so close to her, being incredibly obvious. As I openly stared at them from a few feet away, she lifted a hand to swat at his shoulder, but he reached up and caught it before she managed to hit him. They laughed together and their hands lingered on each other a few seconds too long. 

More shattering.

Of course, I figured that Y/N had probably moved on to someone new (or even multiple someones) at this point. She was beautiful and smart and charming; there was no way she’d go months without romantic attention. After all, that had been part of the reason why we’d broken up. The only person either one of us had ever been with was each other.

Still, seeing it with my own eyes hurt in a way I never expected.

I still loved her. I still wanted to be with her. I could lie to myself every single day for the rest of my life, but it would never cover up the truth of those facts. Y/N was the one for me, and I’d fucked up by losing her. 

_ The only way is forward _ .

I sighed. I didn’t want to go forward. I wanted to go back.

Suddenly, I became aware of a very tiny but forceful presence by my side. I glanced down at Bora, who had her arms crossed and was looking at me with a single eyebrow raised. 

“What?” I asked.

“Don’t do that,” she replied. 

I snuck another look over at Y/N and Jaebum. He was brushing a long, chocolate brown curl off her bare shoulders. 

“Don’t do what?” I asked, ripping my eyes away from the scene before I burst into flame. 

Bora rolled her eyes. “Don’t pine for her like that.” 

I scoffed. “I’m not.”

But, Bora didn’t take bullshit. “You think you’re slick, but I can tell you’re not over her. I like you, Changkyun, but Y/N is actually moving on. You can’t hold her back.”

“Yeah, Min’s given me this same speech,” I said, feeling a little defensive. “Either get over the breakup now or leave her alone until I do. Blah, blah, blah.”

Against my will, my eyes wandered back over to Y/N openly flirting with my coworker in front of me. Surely it was okay for me to feel a little hurt? We’d broken up months ago, but we’d been together for seven years, and been in love for longer… it wasn’t a regular breakup. Why couldn’t she just move on with some guy I didn’t know? 

Why did it have to be Im fucking Jaebum?

I jumped when Bora and Dami both grabbed my arms and tugged my body into a different angle so I couldn’t watch Y/N and Jaebum as they wandered over to the bar together. 

“Listen here, emo boy,” Dami snapped. “Grow up.”

I stared, utterly shocked at the harshness of her words. Usually Dami was the sweet one in the relationship. 

“I--” I began.

“No,” Dami growled, cutting me off. “I’m speaking.”

Even Bora raised her eyebrows at her girlfriend. 

“You love her, yeah?” Dami continued. “But, you fucked up, yeah? That’s life, Changkyun. We make mistakes. We regret them. We move on. You’re young. You’re  _ both  _ so young. You’re gonna love a million more girls in your life, even if it doesn’t feel like that right now. So, shut the fuck up, stop being a whiny little brat, and let Y/N flirt with a cute music producer at Lee Jooheon’s concert.”

I couldn’t even argue. She had a point.


	14. No Instructions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N does something very uncharacteristic...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is Y/N's POV, as usual. 
> 
> Rated 18+ for explicit sexual content!

“Are you sure it sounds okay?” Jaebum asked me, lifting the studio headphones off my ears.

“It’s amazing,” I told him. “I love it.”

It was Friday evening and Jaebum had invited me to the studio to listen to some uncut, unofficial tracks from the allegedly-upcoming Defsoul volume six mixtape. I was honored to be offered the privilege, considering we’d met only last weekend.

Granted, we had definitely flirted up a storm at Jooheon’s concert… and shared a few heated kisses in the alleyway beside the bar before saying goodnight. But, still, I couldn’t quite believe I’d been invited into the inner sanctum as quickly as that. 

However, to be honest, I wasn’t totally sure if Jaebum was actually into me. Bora had told me I was being ridiculous for thinking otherwise, considering he’d been texting me nonstop for days and had invited me to visit him in his private, soundproof recording studio late at night… and she made a good point. But, it didn’t feel seductive to me. It really seemed to me like Jaebum was just that kind of person. Naturally friendly and charming, quick to make connections with people he vibed with.

Not that I would’ve minded if he’d asked me to come here for the sole purpose of hooking up. 

I wouldn’t have minded at all. 

But, just like Changkyun, Jaebum became quite serious in the studio. Very professional, with a one-track mind. 

Vaguely amused by his somberness, I watched as he placed the large studio headphones to the side and leaned in close to his computer. He clicked around in a few places in silence. I waited patiently, perched on the stool next to him. A moment later, he grabbed the headphones again and handed them to me again without a word.

My smile grew slightly as I put them back on my head. He pressed play on the track. 

I couldn’t help it; I gasped out loud.

Jaebum held my gaze, watching my reaction carefully. He’d done something different to the sound. I wasn’t a music producer, nor did I have a musically trained ear, so there was no way I could’ve explained what the difference was, but it made a great song sound like an amazing song. 

When it was over, I pushed the headphones down around my neck and grinned. 

“It’s perfect,” I told him. “Even better than before.”

He visibly sighed in relief and nodded. I handed him the headphones back again.

“Thank you for coming all the way here,” Jaebum said, saving the project and then closing his laptop. “I just figured someone who’s spent so long in Changkyun’s company would know good music when she heard it.”

I raised my eyebrows. “Oh.”

Jaebum flinched then, realizing what he’d said. 

“Not that I invited you to my studio specifically with the thought in mind that you’re Changkyun’s ex… I mean--shit, I’m sorry,” he sighed. “I’m not good at explaining myself.”

I smiled. “I think I get what you mean. I’m glad you value my opinion, given that you don’t know me very well.”

Biting his lip, he glanced down at the floor. A dark strand of glossy hair fell into his face when he did and I was, for the thousandth time in the past hour, struck by how inhumanly beautiful he was. 

“I’d like to, though,” he said to the floor. “Get to know you.”

Oh. 

“You want to… get to know me?” I asked.

He stood up, giving off a nervous energy. I stayed sitting on the stool, watching in confusion as he awkwardly leaned against the edge of the desk. The studio was a small space, just big enough for the recording booth, a small desk, and a tiny sofa, so there wasn’t much room for the tension to go. 

“Maybe it’s lame of me,” Jaebum admitted. “Considering your ex is my coworker…”

“Let’s not talk about Changkyun anymore,” I replied.

He looked back down at his shoes. I never imagined someone as successful and talented as Im Jaebum,  _ the  _ Defsoul, would be the type to get shy in front of a girl. But, here we were…

I found it very endearing. 

“You’re really pretty,” he said. “And funny. And, like,  _ insanely _ smart. And I like your style… that jacket is cool. Not a lot of people could pull it off.”

Grinning, I stood up and approached him. Standing mere inches from his body, I looked up into his eyes, which had grown a little wide in surprise at my sudden proximity. 

“I like you, too,” I said. 

And then I leaned in and kissed him.

It was different from the stolen kisses we’d shared in the alleyway after Jooheon’s concert. Those were messy and flirtatious, fueled by alcohol. 

This was slow, almost torturously so, and incredibly soft. Jaebum kissed me like he was painting a delicate picture, hands ghosting over my waist. I pressed myself closer to him and wrapped my arms around his neck. 

Our lips parted for the briefest of seconds, but our eyes remained closed, our noses brushing against each other. 

“I promise I didn’t ask you to come here just for this,” he whispered.

A breath of laughter escaped me. “I wouldn’t mind if you had.”

He chuckled. “Really?”

“Mmm,” I sighed, pressing a gentle kiss to his lips. “Really.”

His touch, still feather-light, trailed down from my waist to my hips. My lips parted against his and I felt the tip of his tongue brush mine. 

Unsure what came over me, a quiet moan came from deep in my throat as he deepened the kiss. Jaebum answered with a slightly surprised groan of his own. 

Just like that, his grip on me tightened. Before I knew it, our position was reversed. He lifted me up onto the desk, shoving pens and sheet music aside to make room for me. My hands accidentally touched some of the buttons on the switchboard as I adjusted myself, but Jaebum didn’t seem to care as he grabbed my legs from the back of my knees and wrapped them around his waist. 

I could feel his hardness pressed against my inner thigh. My mind jumped to conclusions I knew we probably wouldn’t make it to that night, but just the thought of it made me breathless. Aside from the frivolous escapade at the coffee shop with Johnny, I hadn’t had sex with anyone since…

Well, since Jooheon. 

Yeah, maybe it was about time that changed. 

I tightened my thighs around Jaebum’s waist and pushed myself closer to his body. 

In answer, Jaebum lifted me up and carried me over to the sofa. For a brief second, I thought he was about to drop me onto the soft black leather, but he carried me further. Using the toe of his boot to push open the door of the recording booth, he carried me inside. 

We ended up tangled together on the floor of the booth. 

“Sofa’s too small,” he explained breathlessly between peppering kisses on my throat. “The carpet inside the booth is softer than out there.”

I didn’t really care where we were at that point. All I wanted was to get rid of the clothes that created too many layers between our skin. 

Jaebum was so clearly lost in the moment. He had such an intense personality; it made sense. He was the kind of person to get completely immersed in the moment and devote his whole mind to it. 

It was driving me wild. All I could feel were his lips on my neck, my collarbones, my shoulders. 

Before I knew it, the majority of our clothing had been discarded into the corners of the recording booth and I was straddling Jaebum’s waist, his cock deep inside me, my hips moving to the rhythm of his song still in my memory. 

Neither one of us was quiet. Something about being in a room that I knew was soundproof unleashed all of my inhibitions, and I had a sneaking suspicion that Jaebum was probably always this vocal. 

His hands held on tight to my hips as I thrusted against him. He was gazing up at me, mouth hanging open with gasps and groans. Biting my lip, I picked up the pace and he squinted his eyes shut, letting his head fall back against the floor. Following suit, I tossed my head back and let my moans float up to the ceiling. 

“I’m close, I’m close,” he whispered, veins standing out on his neck. 

I reached down and rubbed soft circles around my clit as I rode Jaebum to his climax. I came mere moments after him, the rush of my orgasm so overwhelming it almost scared me. 

Collapsing onto the carpet beside him in the small space, we were quiet for a few minutes as we both caught our breath. 

Jaebum chuckled after a moment. “I swear, I didn’t think the night was going to go like  _ this _ .”

I smiled and turned my head to meet his eyes. “You mentioned that.”

“I just don’t want you to think I’m some kind of… slimeball.”

I snorted and turned onto my side so I could lean up on my elbow and quirk an eyebrow at him. “Slimeball?”

He groaned in embarrassment and covered his face with his arms. “You know what I mean. Like the type of sleazy music producers who lure women into their studios on some innocent pretense.”

“That’s a thing?” I asked. 

Jaebum nodded and sat up. “It’s definitely a thing.”

He tossed me the skirt he’d chucked over his shoulder earlier, followed quickly by the vintage AC/DC t-shirt he’d tugged off me in less than a second. 

“So, you’re saying what we just did wasn’t innocent?” I asked, standing to get dressed alongside him.

Jaebum raised an eyebrow at me, but couldn’t help laughing. 

“Honestly?” he replied. “I’ve never done that before.”

“Seriously?” I asked. I shoved my feet back into my boots (my knee-high socks had stayed on during that whole thing). 

“You look surprised,” he said before focusing down on the buckle of his belt. 

I shrugged. “I guess if I was you and I had my own private music studio, I’d have hot girls over all the time.”

Jaebum laughed loudly and grabbed my hand, pulling me out of the recording booth. “And you wouldn’t have a job for very long if so.”

I giggled and reached for my bag on the floor. Jaebum sort of shuffled around awkwardly at the desk, clearly unsure how to say goodbye after what we’d just done.

“Are you staying here much later?” I asked. It was already past eleven at this point. 

“Oh, yeah,” he nodded. “I basically live here.” 

Changkyun was like that, too. He spent so much time at the studio, I’d often joked that he should just sublet his apartment and move into Honey Studios full-time. 

Then it hit me. He was probably here right now. In this building. Maybe even in the same hall. 

My stomach dropped at the thought. I remembered the way he’d looked at Jaebum and I at the bar just a few nights ago. 

Not that he had any right to be jealous. He was the reason we’d ended things, even if I had been the one to suggest it out loud first. If anything, he only had himself to blame for his own jealousy and suffering. Of course, I knew that wasn’t a particularly nice or healthy way to think of the situation, but there was an overwhelmingly large part of my heart that just wanted to move on from it all. 

“Can I walk you home, though?” Jaebum asked me, completely unaware of the thought spiral I’d been caught in. 

I bit my lip against a smile, remembering what my friends had told me about allowing a casual hookup to give me a ride home.

I’d come prepared this time.

“Oh, it’s okay,” I replied. “My neighbors own a gym around the corner from here and they work pretty late, too, so they offered to give me a ride.”

“Your neighbors? What’s the gym called?” Jaebum was gathering some of the sheet music that had gotten a bit scattered in the heat of the moment. 

“It’s--” I began, but was immediately cut off by Jaebum cursing out loud.

“Fuck,” he said, staring down at something on the switchboard. 

“What?” I asked. 

Jaebum pointed to a little red indicator light on the panel. 

“What’s that?” I replied, stepping closer to him. 

“It was recording,” he explained, a deep blush rising to his cheeks suddenly. “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he murmured, quickly opening up his laptop.

My confusion quickly melted into amusement. “You mean… it was recording  _ that _ ? Recording us? That whole time?”

Much to Jaebum’s surprise, I burst out in laughter. 

Visibly relieved that I wasn’t horrified and about to accuse him of scandalizing me, Jaebum snorted and dropped his head as, sure enough, the twelve-minute recording appeared on his computer screen. 

“You can watch me delete it,” he said, his cheeks still delightfully pink with embarrassment. 

“No, wait,” I said, placing a hand over his on the trackpad. “I want to listen.”

Jaebum raised his eyebrows at me, but I could see the eagerness in his own eyes. He wanted to know what we sounded like, too. 

So he pressed play. 

For the first couple of minutes, it was just silence. It had probably started when my hands accidentally hit the switchboard, but obviously didn’t register any sound until Jaebum pushed open the door to the recording booth. 

I put a hand over my mouth; we both listened, still as statues, at the sound of us kissing, whimpering, clothing being pulled off and falling to the floor, and then… God, the  _ moans _ . 

I didn’t realize my voice sounded like that when I was… in the moment. 

Jaebum suddenly paused it just as my breathy moans turned into higher-pitched whimpers. 

He cleared his throat. “Sorry… It’s just that… I’m going to get… again… if I listen to all of that. You sound so sexy.”

I giggled. 

“Wait,” I told him, nudging him to the side so I could sit down in front of his laptop. “I have an idea.”

“An idea?”

“How do I clip audio? Show me,” I demanded, a mischievous smirk on my face. 

“What are you--”

“Just show me.”

Jaebum smirked at my demand and grabbed the stool to sit down next to me. He showed me how to trim an audio clip. His editing program was fairly intuitive. Easy enough. Of course, the difficult part about being a music producer was the creativity and artistry. 

After a very long five minutes in which I listened for the perfect clip of audio and Jaebum squirmed next to me, I copy and pasted the few seconds into the song he had been working on earlier, just before the part when the beat drops. 

Jaebum had stopped squirming and was now watching in quiet fascination as I worked. The whole process only took about ten minutes, but I felt very proud of myself. 

I pressed play and the two of us stared at each other as the song began. Just as the bridge began to build, suddenly the sound of my heavy breathing joined the harmony, melting perfectly into the rhythm of the song. It didn’t even sound overtly sexual; I hadn’t chosen one of my more explicit moans. 

“It’s subtle,” Jaebum said. “It’s perfect now. You perfected it.”

I grinned proudly and pressed save. 

“I can’t release a song with you  _ moaning _ in it, though,” he replied, eyes wide. 

I shrugged. “Then lie and say you stole it from a porno or something,” I joked. “It can be our little secret. But, you better delete the rest of that.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he responded, deleting the rest of the recording while I watched. He even made sure I saw as he deleted the entire trash bin. 

“Well,” I said, clapping my hands together and then reaching for my phone. It was definitely time for me to text Hyunwoo and Hoseok and get out of here. Staying too much longer would feel like we were approaching relationship-like territory. “I should go.”

“Thanks for helping with my song, by the way,” Jaebum said as I stood up to head out. “The album’s completely finished now.”

“Good,” I told him. “It’s about time.”

Then, to my utter shock, Jaebum leaned in to press a gentle kiss to my cheek. 

“You’re really an amazing person, Y/N,” he murmured. 

“Oh… thank you.”

I hurried out of the glamorous building, forcing myself not to look back. 

Of course, fate had different plans. 

Just as I thought I was in the clear, I stumbled into a tall, solid body as I rounded the corner into the shimmering entrance lobby of Honey Studios. 

My heart leaped into my throat when I realized who I’d crashed into, late at night, escaping from the upper floor studios, hair a mess, lips swollen…

“Jooheon.”


	15. Hurts So Good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N narrowly escapes several sticky situations...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhh here it finally is... the follow-up to the last chapter's cliffhanger! 
> 
> I also wanted to say thank you so much to those who have left such nice and funny comments! It really makes me so happy and excited to write when I read them <3

My heart was still thundering in my chest at the surprise of seeing Jooheon when I’d least expected it. 

Not that I ever really expected to see him. And, to be fair, I was currently inside the company that  _ he  _ owned. But, still. 

“Y/N?” Jooheon looked tired. His eyes were bloodshot with dark circles, and he was dressed in rumpled athletic clothing. I vaguely remembered Changkyun mentioning at the concert that Jooheon was in the middle of preparing for a major comeback. I knew idols worked hard, but I didn’t realize they worked  _ this  _ hard.

“Hey…” I replied awkwardly, inching toward the exit. 

“What are you doing here?” he looked utterly confused. “Are you and Changkyun--?”

“ _ No _ ,” I responded quickly, already knowing the second part of his question. “No, I was just, um… just visiting a friend.”

Jooheon furrowed his brow at me. He didn’t even try to hide it when he suddenly crossed his arms across his chest and took in my full appearance.

Suddenly, he snorted softly. 

“Let me guess,” he said. “Jaebum?”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “I don’t know what you’re implying.”

“Oh, I think you d--”

“Um, hello?” a painfully familiar voice interrupted the conversation as someone stepped out of the elevator and into the entrance hall. 

“Changkyun,” I gasped. 

“Y/N?” he asked, clearly very shocked at the sight of me. He rubbed his eyes as he approached Jooheon and I as if trying to convince himself I was just a mirage. “Why are you here?”

“Oh… uh…” For some reason, I glanced over at Jooheon. What was I supposed to say? It’s not like I cared if Changkyun knew I was visiting his coworker late at night, but something about the situation told me to not be quite so bold. 

“She was just picking up some signed albums for her friends,” Jooheon lied smoothly. “I promised them at the concert.” 

Damn, he was good.

But, wait… why was he covering for me like that?

The three of us stood in an awkward triangle in the middle of the lobby, white marble gleaming brilliantly in the soft overhead lighting. Over by the double-door entrance, the security guard was clearly trying not to overhear the conversation, but it was kind of hard when our voices echoed up to the high ceilings so easily. 

“Picking up albums?” Changkyun asked, still confused. “At eleven at night?”

“Well, I was in the area,” I replied, trying to sound casual as I built off Jooheon’s lie. The reality that we were co-conspirators in this situation for a multitude of reasons struck me hard. My heart started thundering again. 

Changkyun suddenly relaxed and then grinned. “Oh, that’s right. Hyunwoo and Hoseok’s gym is nearby, isn’t it? How are they?”

Thank  _ fuck _ .

“Good, good,” I replied. “Um, I should go, though.”

Jooheon was silent, but Changkyun opened his mouth as if to say something. I turned to walk away, but paused to wait. However, he closed his mouth again and instead lifted his hand in a half-hearted wave. 

“Right,” I murmured. “Um, good to see… both of you.”

“See you,” replied Changkyun.

Jooheon didn’t say anything. As I dashed out of the building, I couldn’t stop wondering why he’d lied about my reason for being at the studio to Changkyun when, just moments before the latter’s arrival on the scene, he seemed as if he was ready and willing to tease me relentlessly about it. 

I decided not to think too deeply about it. That was a key part of this whole phase of my life, after all… not letting anything get too deep. 

When I stumbled into Hyunwoo and Hoseok’s gym, they were finishing closing up for the night. The gym stayed open fairly late on Fridays. Of course, being the owners, they could simply have their management staff clean up, but they liked to stay heavily involved in the business. 

At the sight of me, Hoseok snorted loudly.

“What mess have you gotten yourself into this time?” he asked. 

Hyunwoo looked me up and down over the rim of his glasses. “You look… disheveled.”

“Oh, boys… do I have a story for you…”

\-----------------------------------------------

Four days later, I knew my narrow escape was ruined. 

A text from Changkyun lit up my phone screen as I sat huddled in the library pouring over endless pages of data Kihyun had printed me from the lab. 

_ Hey…  _ it read. 

I groaned quietly. Something within me could tell he knew what I’d been up to at Honey Studios that night. Even now, Changkyun and I were still on the same wavelength. 

Oh, well. The truth was bound to come out sooner or later. I was sleeping with other people, and that was a fact that Changkyun was simply going to have to learn to deal with. Surely he was sleeping with other girls? 

I had to admit, the thought of him making love to a girl that wasn’t me did make me feel a strange, vaguely possessive sadness, but it wasn’t unbearable. I’d already been through all those feelings when I first learned Changkyun had cheated on me in Los Angeles. 

I still don’t know how I managed to forgive him so quickly for that. 

With a quiet sigh, I texted Changkyun back. 

_ Oh, hey, _ I replied.

His response was instantaneous. It gave away just how agitated he was. I could picture him pacing, running his hand through his hair, sighing loudly. 

_ When were you going to tell me you’re a feature on one of Jaebum’s tracks? _ He asked. 

Despite the obvious mood of the conversation, I couldn’t help the mischievous smile that danced on the corners of my lips. 

_ It’s a great song, isn’t it?  _ I texted back. I knew it was maybe a little mean, but the fact that Changkyun was texting me out of nowhere like some kind of jealous boyfriend was pretty tacky. 

_ Honestly, Y/N… Jaebum? Seriously? _

The smirk dissolved into a frown.  _ Well, it’s really not any of your business, Changkyun. I don’t know why you think you have the right to text me with an interrogation. _

I sent the text, but then a thought struck and, slightly panicked, I quickly typed out a second one. 

_ Is he telling everyone it’s me? _ I asked.

_ He didn’t tell anyone,  _ Changkyun answered.  _ I’ve been listening to your moans for seven years. Of course I fucking knew it was you. _

He had a point. He did have really good ears, after all.

I wondered if Jooheon recognized my voice in Jaebum’s song. 

Immediately, I shook that thought out of my head and set my phone down.

Just as I was about to focus back in on the actual work in front of me, another text came through. I sighed again. It was a good thing I was alone in an isolated area of the university library. 

_ You’re right _ , Changkyun had written.  _ I have no right to ask _ . 

I softened.  _ Old habits…  _ was all I said in response. 

_ I miss you _ . He said mere moments later.

For a solid minute, I didn’t know what to say. 

But, then I decided to tell him the truth. 

_ I miss you, too _ , I admitted. 

It wasn’t a lie. Of course I missed him. He was my best friend. I’d known him my entire life. I hadn’t just lost a boyfriend; I’d lost my closest confidant. My partner in crime. My other half. 

Suddenly, I felt as if I might cry. I watched as three dots popped up on my phone screen to indicate Changkyun was typing. I stared at it for what felt like years. 

Either he was typing an entire paragraph, or he kept deleting and starting over. 

Until, at last, the three dots disappeared. They didn’t reappear.

He’d decided to say nothing at all. 


	16. Supercut

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N is totally fine! Don't worry about it!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Johnny's back :) And we meet someone else, too ;)
> 
> Sexual content in this one, but it's not really that explicit. Let's call it 18+ anyway!

I didn’t believe in using people. It wasn’t kind and it wasn’t fair. 

However, Johnny made an excellent distraction when my emotions about _other_ boys were all over the place. 

To be fair, I’d even openly admitted to Johnny that I wasn’t interested in pursuing anything serious and would rather avoid emotions altogether. He’d promised that his intentions were the same, thankfully. 

Which is why I hadn’t felt weird about hooking up with him again. 

Over and over.

And spending the night. 

And staying for breakfast.

I could imagine the horror on my friends’ faces when they found out what I’d done, but they could keep their opinions to themselves. I knew what I was doing. Johnny was a sweet, funny guy who, admittedly, would make a great boyfriend, but there wasn’t a single cell in my body that wished for that to become true. 

So, in conclusion, there was absolutely nothing to worry about. 

Johnny moaned gently into the skin of my neck. We were in his kitchen. I was on the countertop, thighs wrapped around his waist, dressed in nothing but my underwear and one of his hoodies. He was shirtless, a pair of distressed jeans hanging loose on his hips. 

He’d been attempting to make me a cup of coffee with the sophisticated espresso machine that was the focal point of his modest kitchen, but we’d gotten a little sidetracked. 

“I like the way you look in my hoodie,” he whispered in my ear. 

I sighed, digging my nails into the small of his back.

“I like the way you fuck me when I wear your hoodie,” I murmured back. 

Johnny growled low in his throat and wrapped his arms around me as if he was about to lift me into his arms and carry me back to his bedroom, but we were interrupted by an unfamiliar voice clearing their throat very loudly nearby. 

I heard Johnny curse under his breath. He pulled away from me just enough for me to see the stranger standing at the entrance to the kitchen with a very annoyed look on his face.

“Seriously? On the counter?” He was young, about my age. He was also ridiculously handsome, in an almost upsettingly perfect way. As if his face had been sculpted by a Renaissance artist. Was he a model or something? Did Hyungwon know him?

I blushed nervously. He was openly glaring at me. 

“Um, this is my roommate, Jaehyun,” Johnny explained to me. “Jaehyun, this is Y/N.”

“Oh, I didn’t know you had a roommate,” I said, biting my lip.

Jaehyun snorted and stormed past us to the fridge. “Clearly,” he replied. 

“Man, cool it,” Johnny said, removing his hands from my thighs. Awkwardly, I slid down from the counter, chewing on the inside of my cheek while Jaehyun silently grabbed a bottled juice from the fridge and uncapped it at the sink. 

“He has two, actually,” said Jaehyun, shooting me a sideways glance.

“What?” I asked, rather dumbly.

“Two roommates,” he clarified. “And you’re lucky Ten wasn’t home last night, because he definitely wouldn’t have put up with the noise you two were making.”

I blushed deeper. 

Johnny sighed loudly and stepped slightly in front of me. I took that as my cue to timidly skulk back to his bedroom. 

But, I couldn’t help glancing curiously over my shoulder as Johnny and Jaehyun dissolved into a quiet conversation. 

Back in Johnny’s room, I chucked off his hoodie and got dressed in my own clothes. I was lacing up my boots when Johnny wandered in and shut the door behind him. 

He pouted when he saw that I was clearly about to leave.

“Please tell me he didn’t scare you off,” Johnny said, collapsing down on the tangled mess of sheets that his bed had become. 

“Is he… okay?” I asked. I couldn’t shake the coldness in Jaehyun’s eyes, as if I’d personally done something to offend him. 

“Jaehyun’s just stressed,” Johnny explained gently. I felt his hands rubbing soft circles into my shoulders. He really did have an incredibly comforting touch. “He works two jobs and is finishing up his MBA at the same time. Plus, his girlfriend cheated on him a couple months ago and he’s been a miserable ball of anger ever since.”

I stiffened and turned to meet Johnny’s eyes. 

“Someone cheated on  _ him _ ?” 

Johnny snorted at the incredulous tone in my voice. “I know, right?”

Despite his ferocity in bed, Johnny really was a softie. The way he gazed up at me from where he lay on the bed, so warm and pure like a kitten, made me want to stay behind and cuddle up next to him. 

But, that was definitely crossing the line. 

Still, he made me feel so comfortable, I couldn’t stop the words that escaped from my mouth. 

“My ex cheated on me, too,” I said softly. 

“Oh,” Johnny replied, eyebrows instantly knitting in concern. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

I shrugged. “It’s fine. I don’t know why I mentioned that.”

“No, it’s not fine,” Johnny answered, sitting up and brushing a strand of hair from my face. “Fuck that guy.”

Surprisingly, I laughed. I didn’t think I’d ever heard anyone say  _ fuck you  _ to Changkyun. He was a difficult man to be angry at. 

I knew that far too well. 

“It’s okay,” I insisted, patting Johnny’s hand reassuringly. “We’re kind of… still friends. I’ve known him forever.”

“Hmm.”

“What?”

“What? Nothing.”

I rolled my eyes at Johnny playfully. “Kind of seems like you want to say something.”

He shrugged, feigning innocence. “It’s just… in my experience… being friends with your ex never works out in the end.”

I bit my lip and looked away. “Yeah, well, we were friends before we were dating, so it’s a little different.”

“I see,” Johnny replied softly, clearly aware of how fragile my emotions had suddenly become. “So, you can’t imagine your life without him.”

For some reason, those specific words hit a place deep within me. Unlike anything anyone had been telling me ever since the breakup. 

I had to get out of there. 

“I guess,” I replied hurriedly. “Um, I should go. My roommate needed my help with something this morning.”

I wasn’t sure why I lied, but all I knew was that I needed to be alone  _ immediately. _

Still, I managed to act as normal as possible as Johnny walked me to the door and gave me a quick kiss goodbye. 

I hurried away from his apartment and, once out on the street, ran to the mostly empty park nearby and collapsed down on the closest bench. 

It was a weekday, so everyone was either at school or work. The mental breakdown I could feel coming on would have very few witnesses.

_ So, you couldn’t imagine your life without him.  _

_ Your life without him _ .

_ Without him _ .

I tried desperately to keep my breathing even, to keep my tears at bay. I hugged my knees to my chest and dropped my head down to hide my face. 

I realized that fact had never really hit home before. That I would, one day, live a life without Changkyun in it. 

Of course, we were broken up and at least one of us was definitely sleeping with other people. But, we still texted. We still saw each other. We still acted like friends. 

And I’d been pretending like that was never going to end. Without even knowing what I was doing, I’d been holding on to pieces of Changkyun in the back of my mind. 

However, the truth was--the truth that Johnny had just unknowingly forced me to understand-- was that this wouldn’t last forever. Changkyun and I would never have the friendship we had before we started dating. We were just kids back then. Inexplicably different from the people we’d become. And we certainly weren’t going to start dating again. 

So, the only outcome was that, eventually, Changkyun and I were going to drift apart. The texts would get fewer and farther between. We’d see each other less; our social circles would stop overlapping. Weeks, months, even years would go by without us speaking to one another. He’d meet another girl, marry her, have babies with her, grow old with her. 

One day, I’d be nothing but a memory to him. And he’d be nothing but a memory to me, too. A story I told my grandchildren when they asked about my first true love. 

It wasn’t like any of this was news to me. It was the same thoughts I’d spiraled over in the very beginning of our breakup, back when I thought my life was over. 

But, this time felt different. 

It felt like clarity. An incredibly painful, debilitating clarity. 

Suddenly, because the universe had a way of throwing a specific  _ someone _ into my lap when I least wanted or expected it, my phone buzzed with a text.

It was Jooheon. 

I didn’t even know how I had his number saved in my phone. Probably one of the many consequences of that stupid one night stand we’d shared months ago. 

_ Are you busy? _ The text said. 

Was he texting the right person? Why would he need to know if I was busy? Last time I saw him, he’d caught me slipping away from a scandalous hookup with Jaebum at  _ his  _ company headquarters and had clearly been judging me for that, considering he could barely meet my eyes for the entire encounter.

I sighed and debated just not answering. I wasn’t sure I could handle many more complications of the heart. 

But, I was me, after all. My curiosity got the better of me. 

Plus, both my heart rate and breathing slowed at the sudden distraction Jooheon had presented me in the form of this unexpected text. 

_ Not really _ , I replied. 

Much to my horror, my phone started ringing. 

He was calling me?

“Uh, hello?” I answered.

“Y/N, hey, sorry,” Jooheon responded instantly, his tone familiar like we were friends. “Is this weird?”

“Uh,” was all I could manage.

“I just didn’t know how to explain in a text,” he admitted. I liked the way his voice sounded over the phone. Like him, but softer. Almost comforting in my ear.

I needed to hire someone to punch me in the arm every time I had thoughts like that about Jooheon. 

“Is everything okay?” I asked.

Jooheon was quiet for a few seconds. “Wait, are  _ you  _ okay? Your voice sounds weird.”

I cleared my throat. He didn’t need to know that he’d caught me in the middle of an existential crisis. 

“Yeah, just tired,” I lied. “Are you going to tell me why you decided to call me out of nowhere on a Tuesday morning?”

Jooheon sighed gently. I squinted my eyes shut tight at the sound, hating myself for the way it made my heart thump a little too hard inside my chest. 

“I’m worried about Changkyun,” he finally said.

I snorted, unable to elicit any other reaction besides delirious amusement. 

“You’re calling me because you’re concerned about Changkyun,” I said. It wasn’t a question.

“I guess so, yeah,” Jooheon replied. He sounded nervous. “I didn’t know who else to call.”

“You, the employer of Changkyun, who is my ex-boyfriend, are calling me, the ex-girlfriend of the aforementioned Changkyun, who you fucked four months ago in a drunken hookup, because you are  _ concerned _ about him.”

Jooheon was dead silent on the other end of the line for what felt like an eternity. I almost started to feel bad for being so mean.

Finally, he spoke again. “You have a point.”

“Yeah.”

“I’d consider it a bit more than a drunken hookup, honestly,” he added.

I scoffed. “I’m hanging up.”

“No, wait!” 

Something in his voice made me stay on the line.

“I am serious, Y/N,” Jooheon said. “There’s something off about him. It’s hard to explain. He’s working all the time, barely sleeping, hardly leaving his studio. I’m pretty sure his diet only consists of coffee and adderall. And he’s producing some seriously depressing stuff. Good stuff. But, like,  _ depressing. _ ” 

“Have you considered maybe Changkyun had a bad breakup with his girlfriend of seven years?”

I didn’t know why I was being so flippant with Jooheon. He triggered something ferocious in me, a previously unknown part of me that just wanted to fight for no reason. 

To be honest, Jooheon’s words did worry me. I didn’t want to hear that Changkyun was starving himself and not sleeping properly. 

But, I wasn’t his girlfriend anymore. I was barely his friend. 

Minhyuk and Bora would tell me it wasn’t really my problem. 

Jooheon groaned in annoyance on the other end of the line. “You’re one of the most annoying people to talk to.”

I snorted. “Likewise, honey.”

“Well, whatever,” Jooheon replied, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “Thanks for the help.”

But, something in me couldn’t let it go like that. 

“He’ll be okay,” I said before he could hang up, my voice getting softer. I didn’t want to leave the conversation with Jooheon thinking I didn’t care about the people I loved. It didn’t seem right. I had to explain. “He’s like this sometimes. Never quite that bad, of course, but he’s sort of… Changkyun is kind of like… um, well I guess you’re a musician, so… he’s like soundwaves. He goes up and down, all the time, sometimes unpredictably. Even he can’t explain why sometimes. But, he always bounces back. So, yeah. He’ll be okay.”

“I hope you’re right,” Jooheon answered, his voice also sounding slightly softer. “Thank you. Really.”

“No worries.”

“Bye, I guess.”

“Bye, Jooheon.”

He hung up. Before my mind could collapse into another breakdown, I quickly hit the dial button on Minhyuk’s number. 

He picked up with a petulant whine. He hated talking on the phone, but he always answered anyway. 

“Min,” I said. “What are you doing right now?”

“Um, I just finished having phone sex with Hyungwon,” he replied.

“Gross.”

“I mean, you asked.”

“Fair,” I answered. “Anyway, I need you to do something for me.”

“What is it?”

“I need you to get me very drunk,” I said. “Drunk enough to forget at least half of my short-term memory.”

“Y/N, it’s not even eleven in the morning,” Minhyuk protested. “And it’s Monday.”

“It’s Tuesday, actually.”

“Same thing,” he scoffed. 

“I don’t mean right now anyway,” I explained. “I just… I need you to use your cool art student influence and get me into a classic, trashy college party this weekend. And I also need you to not let me text Changkyun anymore... Or Jooheon.”

“Wait, Jooheon? What? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“Y/N…”

“Okay, thank you, love you, I’ll be home soon,” I sang into the phone.

And then I hung up before Minhyuk could reply with any further concern for my well being. 


	17. Sweatpants

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just dudes being bros...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I would try something fun and write from JB's perspective! 
> 
> *TW: this chapter mentions casual drug abuse.

_ Jaebum’s POV _

I’d been feeling guilty for two weeks now. Guilty and annoyed. Guilty because me hooking up with Y/N had clearly triggered a dramatic downward spiral for Changkyun. Annoyed because I felt so guilty in the first place, considering they’d been broken up for months now. 

And then, of course, I started feeling guilty for feeling annoyed. Then came more annoyance at that guilt.

Emotions were so stupid. 

Still, Jooheon had made a good point when I’d brought it up to him over lunch a couple of days ago.

“I slept with Changkyun’s ex,” I’d admitted across the table. It was just Jooheon and I; all the other guys were busy with some project or another. 

Jooheon snorted and rolled his eyes. “Yeah, obviously. We all heard the song.”

I sighed heavily. I’d been friends with Jooheon before he’d even started Honey Records. We’d met way back when we were just teenagers, trainees at the same company. Just before debut, Jooheon became fed up with how controlled we were and left to start his own label at the shockingly young age of nineteen. Not even a few months later, he convinced me to leave the company and join him in his insane, doomed-to-fail venture. 

And now here we were. In our twenties, successful, and rich. Fortune favors the bold. 

I trusted Jooheon with my life, and I knew he felt the same about me. Which is why I knew he was the right person to turn to for advice on solving the tension between Changkyun and I. I couldn’t stand it if it was my fault the company failed because I couldn’t extend an olive branch to one of my younger coworkers. 

“Do you think I should talk to him?” I had asked Jooheon. 

Jooheon, who was usually a man of  _ many  _ words, surprised me by staying silent for a couple of minutes. I watched him take a few bites of food, growing more anxious by the second. 

“I don’t think I’m the right person to advise you on this,” Jooheon said finally. The subtlest blush rose to his cheeks. 

I was confused. “What do you mean?”

“I just… don’t want to get any more involved in the Y/N and Changkyun mess.”

Any  _ more  _ involved? 

I thought of the way Jooheon had basically ignored Y/N at his concert last month. And the way he’d pursed his lips and fully spaced out when he first heard the song featuring her, um,  _ sighs _ . It was like he had built up a brick wall against any mention of her. 

I didn’t get it. Y/N was one of the most beautiful and charming women I’d ever met. She wasn’t shallow or vain or mean. She was electric. Playful. Enigmatic.

And I really shouldn’t have been falling for her as hard as I was. 

I shook my head at Jooheon and took a sip of coffee. “I don’t know why you dislike her so much.”

Jooheon frowned. “I don’t dislike her.”

“Could’ve fooled me.”

Jooheon fell quiet again. He’d been acting differently lately. More pensive, less cutesy. For those of us at the label who’d known him the longest, it was noticeable. For the rookies, they just assumed this was his normal personality. I wanted to pry and figure out what had gotten into him, but I knew he was the type to only open up on his own terms. 

“I think,” Jooheon began. “Professionally speaking, it would be a good idea for you to spend some time with Changkyun. Try to solve any ill feelings. Maybe collaborate on a song together. What about that unfinished track you showed me in September? I think Changkyun could put a really fresh spin on that one.”

It was a good idea. So I’d agreed.

Which was how I found myself awkwardly standing in front of the closed door of Changkyun’s private studio, my feelings an uncomfortable flurry of guilt, annoyance, and anxiety. 

I pressed the little doorbell nearby. Just like my studio, the entire room inside was soundproof, so he wouldn’t hear a knock. 

An entire painful minute later, the door opened. 

Changkyun stood on the other side. 

“Uh, hey,” I said, offering him the iced americano I’d picked up as a friendly offering.

Changkyun frowned, but accepted the coffee.

“What’s up?” he asked. His voice sounded like he’d just woken up, but I knew the truth was that he probably hadn’t slept properly in days. 

He hadn’t seemed so good recently, which is where most of my original guilt had come from. He was like a hermit, locking himself away in the studio and barely speaking to any of us. On the rare occasions when he did appear, he was always dressed in wrinkled sweatpants, his hair uncombed, dark circles under his eyes. 

It was a shame. Changkyun was honestly a really handsome guy. He could’ve been an idol if he wanted to. Fans would probably lose their minds over his broad shoulders and regal nose. 

“Do you have a minute?” I asked.

Changkyun looked like he wanted to tell me to fuck off, but he stepped aside and gestured for me to come into the studio anyway.

It was a disaster zone. Dozens of notebooks full of scribbles and doodles littered the desk. He had two laptops open and, inexplicably, five different pairs of headphones between them. Empty cups of coffee were all over the place and spilled out across the switchboard were several small blue pills I recognized as adderall. 

This kid was going to lose his mind before his twenty-fourth birthday. 

I awkwardly sat down on the only other chair in the room. His studio was smaller than mine, so there was no room for a couch.

“Sorry it’s so messy,” Changkyun muttered, his voice quiet and almost emotionless. “I’ve been so focused on work.”

“Are you trying to give yourself a heart attack?” was the first thing I asked, gesturing to the caffeine and stimulants. 

He shrugged. “Sleep is kind of a waste of time, don’t you think?”

“Uh, no,” I replied. “I don’t think that. I think sleeping is essential to a person’s health.”

Changkyun merely snorted and plopped down in his own chair. 

“What do you want, JB?” he asked with a sigh. 

How did Y/N, who was a literal ray of sunshine, date this guy for seven entire years? 

Of course, I wasn’t being fair. I already knew Changkyun was a friendly and fun person when he wasn’t drowning himself in his own misery. 

“I guess I want to apologize,” I said. 

Changkyun’s head snapped up. He lifted a single eyebrow upwards in surprise. “Apologize?”

“Yeah,” I replied. “Um, so, I’m sorry. Not for flirting with your ex and not for sleeping with her and not for putting her voice in one of my songs… but I am sorry for not warning you about it before I played the track out loud in front of half the company.”

I almost expected Changkyun to be angry. However, I was beginning to understand that anger wasn’t one of his more commonly-used emotions. 

In fact, he barely even seemed to register what I was saying.

Changkyun rested his head back on the chair and gazed up at the ceiling. “When we were kids, Y/N and I used to fight about who could get the highest on the swing set in our neighborhood park.”

I grew still, surprised that he was taking me down memory lane with him.

“One day, I finally managed to get higher than her and she was so angry, she dared me to jump off,” Changkyun continued. “I think I was maybe eleven or twelve years old, so I wasn’t going to turn down a dare. So I jumped off the swing. I ended up breaking my wrist.”

I could picture it. Tiny, cute Y/N so frustrated that a stupid boy had bested her at something. Her, probably with little pigtails, taking revenge covertly, not by punching him or calling him names, but by daring him to do something stupid on his own terms. 

“She cried harder than me,” Changkyun continued. “For like a month afterwards, she would kiss my cheeks every single day and she insisted on drawing hearts all over my cast. I think that’s probably the first time I realized I liked her more than just a friend.”

I smiled at that. Despite my jumbled feelings for Y/N, I found Changkyun’s story endearing. Their history with each other was so special, it was no wonder Changkyun had filled approximately thirty-two notebooks with their memories and was using it as musical inspiration.

I found myself feeling a little jealous. Not necessarily of their relationship, but more so of the unique bond they shared. Not many people got to experience that kind of love or friendship.

Changkyun sighed again, eyes still trained upwards. “She’s been the most important person in my life for over twenty years. I never imagined that, at one point, she wouldn’t be by my side.”

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. “Listen, man, I--”

But, he cut me off, glancing over at me. “I’m not mad at you. I’m not mad at anyone. I’m only mad at myself, and I’m trying to process that. If Jooheon sent you here to make peace, you can tell him that there’s no need, and that I just need a little more time to be sad.”

We sat in silence for a few minutes, but it wasn’t awkward. I was relieved that Changkyun didn’t harbor any ill feelings toward me for sleeping with Y/N. I did, however, feel overwhelmingly sad for the guy. 

Then it dawned on me… how could I possibly pursue Y/N after this? What did I expect to come out of it? Changkyun and I were coworkers, and would probably be coworkers for years and years to come. I liked being friends with him, too. He was talented and smart; I valued his input on projects. When we went to Tokyo on a whim last spring with the company, I had really enjoyed his company.

So... what? I would pursue Y/N, we would start dating, and then I would be forcing Changkyun to be around a happy couple, half of which was the one true love of his life?  _ And _ forcing Y/N to be around Changkyun as someone else’s girlfriend, both of them forever reminded of the past they had together? 

There was no way I could do that. Changkyun and Y/N deserved to be allowed to control the space they put between each other. They both deserved not to complicate things even further. 

And that’s how I decided to get over her. She wasn’t mine to have. It wasn’t meant to be. 

I cleared my throat, unsure if I should say what I was about to, but unable to really stop myself from opening up to Changkyun. 

“She…” I began. “She, um…”

Changkyun met my eyes. Our connection with Y/N was so vastly different, and yet we shared something between us because we knew her. 

“She’s really…” I didn’t know how to finish the sentence. Special. Perfect. Wonderful. Awe-inducing. 

Much to my surprise, Changkyun smiled. 

“Yeah,” he replied. “I know.”


	18. Selfish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N almost tries something new...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're back to Y/N's POV!
> 
> This chapter makes me giggle :)
> 
> Rated 18+ for sexual content.

God bless Minhyuk for being a social butterfly.

He’d pulled through on my request for him to bring me to a trashy college party. It was Friday night and I was in the sweaty, cramped basement of a house close to campus, which was apparently owned by a kid in Minhyuk’s advanced graphic design course. 

The night was young, but I’d already consumed copious amounts of alcohol. Being a doctoral student meant that the days of being scantily clad, intoxicated, and dancing to deafening pop hits with a hundred strangers were long gone. It was nice to relive my younger days. 

Even if, during those younger days, I would always come to parties like this with Changkyun while all my friends would have fun, messy hookups and wake up in the morning with ridiculous stories of their adventures. I had to admit that I understood now what Changkyun meant when he said it wasn’t good that we’d only been with each other. We’d spent our entire youth being faithful to each other and, as a result, lost out on some classic experiences. 

Better late than never.

Minhyuk had disappeared at some point, pulled away by a crowd of art students in berets and black leather. Dami and Bora had decided to sit this one out, so I was alone. 

But I was doing okay on my own.

It turns out, when you  _ don’t _ show up to parties like this without a boyfriend attached to your hip, you get a lot of attention very easily. 

A handsome boy with a pretty smile and sparkling eyes had already caught my attention. He’d introduced himself as Mark Tuan and mentioned that he was a graduate student like me, but he was working on an advanced degree in mathematics. He was nerdy, but ridiculously good-looking. 

“Who did you come here with?” he asked, mouth close to my ear to be heard over the booming bass and loud chattering. We were at the marble-top island in the kitchen, picking through the vast array of alcohol for our next drink. 

“My roommate,” I half-shouted back, trying to decide between two different kinds of subpar beer. I supposed that drinking mediocre alcohol was all part of this particular experience, so I went for the least palatable option. “His name is Minhyuk.”

Mark wrinkled his nose at my choice of drink in jest before choosing the same kind for himself. 

“Wait, Lee Minhyuk?” he asked. “That guy with the whale tattoo?”

I laughed. “That’s the one.”

“Damn, he is so cool,” replied Mark. “You really live with him?”

“I sure do,” I said. 

“Are you two dating?” he asked. He’d moved closer to me, partly because the kitchen had become more crowded in the past few minutes, but also because his intentions were undeniably impure. I was glad that he was bold enough to not feel the need to play games with me. 

I snorted and shook my head at him. “Ew, gross, no. He’s dating one of my best friends.”

“Ah, I see,” was Mark’s reply, relief flooding his eyes. “So, you’re single?”

I smirked. “Yes, I am single.”

Before Mark could drop his next line, an unfamiliar boy with flawlessly-styled brown hair and a chiseled jawline appeared, punching Mark roughly in the arm with a big grin on his face.

The boy didn’t notice me yet, shouting to Mark, “Man, where’d you go? Yugyeom and Bam just tried to prank Youngjae with--”

Then he followed Mark’s line of sight and finally realized I was standing there, clearly in the middle of a conversation that was about to become a  _ moment  _ with one of his friends.

“Oh,” said the boy, instantly flashing a charming smirk at me. “Hey.”

Mark visibly sighed. “Jax, this is Y/N. She’s friends with Minhyuk. Y/N, this is--”

“Jackson Wang,” said the boy, shooting me a wink as he cut off his friend. He was cocky, but in an indescribably endearing way. “Welcome to my house.”

My eyebrows shot up. “This is your house?”

“Sure is,” he responded. “Are you enjoying yourself? Is Tuannie being nice to you?”

I assumed Tuannie was what he called Mark. I giggled. 

“Yes, he’s being very nice,” I answered, smiling at Mark. He returned the smile. 

And then, inexplicably, the two of them shared a secret glance between them. The kind of look that communicated a thousand words in a second, the kind shared between very close friends who thought in perfect tandem. 

Jackson reached for my arm and gently tugged on it as he stepped backwards toward the other room where most of the dancing was happening.

“Come dance with us,” he said, dark eyes glimmering.

Us?

I realized Mark had moved behind me and placed a light hand around my waist. 

And then it dawned on me. I knew exactly what was happening. 

Clearly, they did this often. Two best friends, sharing the same girl for the night. 

The old version of myself never would have followed along with such a thing. Of course, the old me wouldn’t have even been wandering a party like this by herself, flirting with handsome strangers, or throwing back as much alcohol as I currently was. 

There was a first time for everything. I was intrigued.

With a smirk of my own, I followed Jackson as he led me to the makeshift dance floor. I ignored the way my shoes vaguely stuck to the floor, and instead glanced back at Mark. He tightened his grip on my waist as we weaved through the crowd. 

In the middle of the dancing crowd, there was barely enough room to move. If I thought too hard about it, I knew I would start to feel like I couldn’t breathe. Instead of focusing on that, I decided to lose myself in the heavy beat pounding through the expensive sound system and the feel of both Jackson’s and Mark’s hands on my body. 

Jackson, the shorter of the two, pressed his body to mine and I stared up into his eyes as I moved to the music. Mark was behind me, hands on my waist, his front pressed to my back. 

I lost myself in the moment. They were both surprisingly good dancers, even considering the fact that the only dancing anyone could really do in a crowd like this was a rhythmic sort of wiggle. 

“You’re so sexy,” whispered Mark in my ear.

“You’re so hot, baby,” purred Jackson in the other ear.

I was incredibly aware of the fact that both of them were hard. Two jean-clad erections were pressed to my body. How on earth was I supposed to handle two dicks?

Once again, my lack of life experience was biting me in the ass. Curse long-term relationships.

Before I knew it, Jackson’s lips were on mine. He kissed me deeply, hands hovering around my hips just below Mark’s hands.

It didn’t take long before I felt Mark’s lips on my bare shoulder, traveling upwards to my neck. Maybe it was the alcohol and the atmosphere, but it felt better than usual. I broke Jackson’s kiss and tilted my head back onto Mark’s chest. I felt his lips curve into a smile against my collarbone. 

Jackson smirked, simply moving his mouth to press hungry kisses to my jaw and my neck on the other side. Mark’s hands traveled upwards, cupping my breasts, while Jackson’s moved downwards, slipping behind me to grab my ass.

The two boys pressed closer together, firmly sandwiching me between them.

I wasn’t complaining. It felt euphoric. Two gorgeous men whose sole goal seemed to be making me feel pleasure? Why hadn’t I tried this sooner?

I didn’t care if anyone else in the crowd saw, either. The truth was, no one was going to care, anyway. Everyone else had their own partners and friends to pay attention to, their own kisses to steal, their own hearts to break. I wasn’t concerned about being on the receiving end of anyone’s judgement. 

I had to admit - I’d never felt freer in my entire life. 

And then the song changed.

It was like a bolt of lightning struck my body. 

The melody was too familiar. 

And the voice.  _ His  _ voice. The voice that, even months later, I still couldn’t shake the memory of from my mind. 

_ “You’re driving me crazy,” Jooheon had practically moaned into my ear before capturing my lips in a kiss. _

His smooth rap, impossibly quick and deliciously rhythmic, filled the entire house. 

I squeezed my eyes shut tight. I tried to focus on Jackson’s tongue against my throat, on Mark’s expertly roaming hands. I tried to focus on what was right in front of me.

But, my mind had other ideas. As Mark’s fingers danced on the waistband of my skirt, teasing at dipping below, all I could think of was Jooheon ducking his head between my thighs with a hungry groan. As Jackson kissed me again, moaning into my mouth, all I could think of was the way Jooheon had pressed the tenderest of kisses to my lips as he thrusted deep into me. 

I really couldn’t ever escape him. 

It was like someone had poured ice over me, chilling the moment. 

I tensed up. Both of the boys instantly noticed and pulled away slightly.

“Is everything okay?” they asked in unison.

Well, at least they were respectful.

“Yeah, yeah,” I breathed, struggling to be heard over the song.  _ His _ song. “I’m good, yeah, I just, um, need some air. Excuse me.”

Just like that, I hurried away. I pushed my way through the crowd as politely as I could, desperate to escape the thick mass of bodies and the sound of Jooheon’s voice vibrating against the walls. 

I made it outside and gulped in a deep breath of cold early-winter air. Jooheon’s song was faint now, muffled inside the house and mostly drowned out by the loud conversations happening in the various groups of people gathered in the front yard. 

My first emotion was annoyance. Had I really just run away from what was about to be a new and thrilling experience? Had I really frozen up like that at the mere sound of Lee Jooheon’s honey-sweet vocals? 

What the hell was wrong with me?


	19. If We Were Made of Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N is deep in her emotions...

It didn’t snow often in my hometown, but it was snowing tonight. It was the day after Christmas, the one time of year when I would always return to the place I grew up, no questions asked. 

But, since the first time I moved away from home to Seoul five years ago, I was returning to my hometown alone. It didn’t need to be said, but usually my homecoming was hand-in-hand with the boy I’d loved my whole life. 

This year, Changkyun and his parents were visiting family in Boston for Christmas. Similarly, Hyungwon’s family left our small town to spend the holiday with their son and Minhyuk’s family in the big city. 

The town was silent and still. Every time I returned, it felt smaller and quieter, but it felt more so that evening than it ever had before.

And I’d never felt more alone.

The alone-ness had been setting in particularly hard the past few weeks. The reality that I had spent my entire life with someone irrevocably by my side, and now I no longer had that, was harsh and unsettling. It wasn’t necessarily that I still loved Changkyun the way I used to or that I wanted to get back together with him, but rather that I yearned for the safety and comfort that being one half of a whole with him brought me. 

In fact, it had been a long,  _ long  _ time since I’d felt that way about Changkyun. 

An entirely different person was taking up space in my mind. 

I couldn’t stop thinking about him. My thoughts could barely move an inch without bumping into a piece of him. I couldn’t stand it. It felt consuming and inescapable, as if I was out of control. 

I didn’t want to feel out of control. Seven months ago, when Changkyun and I broke up, I experienced a complete lack of control for the first time. My entire future, which had felt so certain, had evaporated overnight. This whole time, for months now, I’d been grasping at anything that would make me feel like I was in control of my life again. One-night stands, careless flirtations, adventures to the other side of the world… it was all some way to prove to myself that I could do something on my own. That I could make a decision that had nothing to do with the life I thought I was going to have with Changkyun. 

And it had felt good. It still felt good. I was, generally speaking, happy. I felt free and uninhibited. 

Other than the loneliness that struck me at unexpected moments, I should’ve been doing amazingly well. 

And yet… Jooheon remained in the back of my mind. 

I sighed quietly. 

The distant street lamps lit up the playground in a faint golden glow. Despite the fluffy snow, it wasn’t unbearably cold outside. My peacoat remained unbuttoned, my scarf hanging loosely around my neck. It wasn’t very late; only about an hour past dinner time. 

I’d needed to escape my house. Despite my little brother’s best efforts to prepare for my arrival, there still remained constant reminders of me and Changkyun’s love story, not to mention the sideways glances and delicate sighs of my mother. She was still convinced her daughter should’ve been getting married this year. Should’ve been giving her grandchildren soon. 

I couldn’t explain why I came here to this playground. Maybe it was instinct. Over the years, as kids and teenagers, me and Changkyun had run to this playground to escape our small sadnesses. Him and I were written all over this town. We were in the scribbled graffiti on old buildings, in the worn bark of towering trees that had shaded our faces, in the cracked sidewalks that had bruised and cut our knees. Our love story was in the people, too. The librarian, the baker, the mailman, our old classmates… they knew us.  _ Us.  _

I knew Hongjoong was keeping from me just how much mine and Changkyun’s breakup had been the talk of the town for the past seven months. Not much happened here; it made sense that it would be the biggest news around for a while. The looks I received when I arrived alone two days ago proved it. 

With a sigh, I gently swung back and forth on the swingset that Changkyun had once jumped off and broken his arm. Behind me was the seesaw that I played on with Hyungwon; I would always get angry because his legs were so much longer than mine. Nearby was the plastic slide that the three of us used to fight over, but then eventually give up and end up sliding down together in a tangled heap of bony limbs and rosy cheeks. 

My emotions were an indescribable jumble. I felt lonely, sad, and nostalgic. But, I also felt light and hopeful. I felt frustrated, too. None of it made any sense. 

Familiar footsteps approached and I turned to see my brother stepping gracefully through the snow toward me. He was only a couple inches taller than me, and had charming, delicate features. He took after our mother in that regard. I looked more like our father, with more rounded features and longer limbs. 

“Hey, Joongie,” I said quietly as Hongjoong sat down on the swing next to me. 

“Hey, sis,” he replied. “What are you doing out here?”

I shrugged and glanced away. We watched the snow fall in silence for a few minutes. The thing I loved most about my brother is that he was so wise and intuitive; you didn’t have to fight for the words to explain yourself to him. He always just seemed to understand you. 

“I was thinking about Changkyun,” I admitted. “Not really reminiscing, just…”

“Just thinking,” he replied, nodding in understanding. I smiled softly and nodded.

“But, I’m also thinking about Jooheon,” I told him. 

Other than Minhyuk, Bora, and Dami, my little brother was the only person who knew about what happened between me and Jooheon. I trusted him just as much, if not more, than them with my secrets. 

“Do you think about Johnny often?” asked Hongjoong. “Or Jaebum? Or those two other guys… what were their names?”

I chuckled quietly. “Jackson and Mark… and, no, not really. I don’t think of them much at all, if I’m being honest.”

“Interesting,” was my brother’s reply.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Hongjoong shrugged and then started kicking his legs on the swing to pump himself up high into the air. I remained where I was, feet on the ground, watching him fly. He was only a few years younger than me, but I still found myself feeling jealous of him. Part of me wished I could go back in time to his age. Not necessarily to erase everything that had happened and go back to being Changkyun’s girlfriend, but more so to get another taste of the wisps of childlike delight that still hung on to people that age. 

After a few minutes of him pumping his little legs, he stopped and let himself swing back and forth until he slowed back down. 

“Sometimes,” he said, presumably about to answer my previous question. “I think that people are meant to be in our lives. Even if they don’t necessarily bring us the best emotions, I think that sometimes the reason we can’t stop thinking about a person is because we aren’t supposed to. Does that make sense?”

“What, so you think Jooheon and I were fated, or something?”

Hongjoong shrugged. “Y/N, I don’t know anything. I’m only nineteen. I’m just trying to comfort you.”

I couldn’t help it. I laughed. He had a point. 

Two boyish shouts behind us caused us to turn around. 

I grinned at the sight of two familiar boys, friends of Hongjoong that I’d known since they were babies. 

“Hi, Mingi and Yeosang,” I said to them as they approached my brother and I. They bowed respectfully to me, which they had only started doing in more recent years, and greeted us. 

“Sorry,” said Yeosang. “We didn’t want to interrupt a brother-sister moment, but we also really wanted to say hi. Y/N, we haven’t seen you since you came back from London for the Lee wedding!” 

“How is Hyungwon?” added Mingi. “I’m sad he stayed in the city for Christmas.” 

I grinned at the two of them. They were sweet. Shy. Naive. 

Once again, I wished I could feel that again. 

“Hyungwon is fine,” I replied. “You both look healthy; you’re eating well?”

The two boys nodded fervently at me. Hongjoong hopped off the swing and stooped down to gather a slushy ball of snow in his hands. 

“Should we have a snowball fight, then?” he asked, a mischievous smirk on his face. 

“Oh, no, no, no,” I said, raising my hands in surrender.

But, Yeosang immediately crouched down to make a snowball of his own and, without hesitation, ran a few yards away and chucked it at Mingi. The three boys burst out into laughter, dissolving into a ruthless snowball fight as the flakes continued to fall from the darkening sky. 

After a few minutes, Hongjoong grew bold enough to throw one at me. His aim was true; it struck the sleeve of my coat. Mingi and Yeosang froze instantly, nervous to see what my reaction would be. 

I surprised them by laughing. And then, lightning fast, I scooped together a mass of snow and chucked it at my brother. He squealed and tried to duck away, but it got him in the hip.

The snowball fight continued, this time with me included. 

It felt nice to do something so youthful. 

But that honey skin and those endearing dimples still danced in the corners of my mind. 


	20. Breakaway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N has an interesting afternoon...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loved writing this chapter, so I couldn't wait to post it :)
> 
> Warnings are 18+ for sexual content and recreational drug use.

When I returned to the city after the winter holidays, I knew I needed to keep distracting myself. I hadn’t told Minhyuk about my little episode at the party with Jackson and Mark, but I did admit to him that I’d been thinking about Jooheon a little more than I wanted to be.

“Hey, Min,” I whispered across the library table. It was the first Monday back to classes and we’d decided to study on campus together. 

My roommate glanced up from the painting he was working on on his tablet. 

“I have a question,” I murmured. We were technically in a part of the library that allowed for quiet talking, but I still felt nervous making any noise. Despite all of my behavior in the recent months, I was still a rule follower deep down inside. 

“About biochemistry?” Minhyuk asked, furrowing his brow in confusion and glancing at the textbook open in front of me.

“No,” I said. “About… something else. It’s kind of personal.”

“Well, we’ve lived together for two years now, Y/N, so I don’t know what you’re being so weird and nervous about…”

I sighed. I always appreciated his candor. 

“Before Hyungwon, when you used to, you know, sleep around…” I began.

Minhyuk snorted quietly and looked down at his work. “Go on.”

“Did any of the people you had ‘flings’ with maybe stick in your head a little?” I asked. “Like, even though you knew it was just a meaningless hookup, there’s something about them that is making them really hard to forget?”

Minhyuk raised his eyebrows and set the tablet down onto the table. 

“Well, first of all,” he replied. “Sex isn’t meaningless. And, second of all, you don’t have to force yourself to forget people.”

Why was everyone so much wiser than me?

“Why?” he continued, giving me a look. “Which one of those poor boys are you stuck on?”

I bit my lip and shrugged my shoulders.

Minhyuk knew me well. I didn’t need to say it. 

He sighed heavily and dropped his chin into his palm. “Seriously? Jooheon?  _ Him? _ It has to be  _ him? _ ”

I snorted. “You think I  _ want  _ to still be thinking about fucking my ex-boyfriend’s boss seven months after the fact?” 

Minhyuk chuckled quietly and glanced around over his shoulders to make sure we hadn’t disturbed anyone.

“What a conundrum,” he answered.

“So what do I do?”

Minhyuk looked totally at a loss. “I have no idea. That never really happened to me, except maybe once, but then I just went off and slept with other people until they finally kind of faded away.”

I nodded, mostly to myself. 

“So, just… wait for him to fade?” I asked. 

“It’s really the only advice I can offer,” he said, returning to his painting. “Sorry.”

“No, it’s okay,” I whispered.

And it was okay.

Because someone had just made eye contact with me from a few tables away. 

I didn’t know him personally, but I knew him through a string of acquaintances. Tall, broad, and insanely handsome… if I remembered correctly, he was working on his doctorate in art history. Or maybe political history. Some kind of history. 

A perfect opportunity to encourage Jooheon to fade a little faster from my memories. 

I held his eye contact, offering the slightest of smirks. He didn’t glance away either. I kept my gaze trained on his as I stood up and walked away toward the hall that led to the bathrooms. 

Standing by the vending machine casually, I waited. I hoped I wasn’t being delusional. 

However, sure enough, the boy followed me out into the hallway. I grinned and pretended to be absorbed in the contents of the vending machine.

“Hey,” he said. “You’re Y/N, right? Biochem?”

I turned to look at him. His hair was messy, but in a stylish way. He wore a gray hoodie and baggy sweatpants. The epitome of tired-student-chic, but he made the entire ensemble seem unbearably sexy.

“I am, yes,” I replied. 

He grinned, feigning bashfulness. “I’m Namjoon.”

“Hi,” I replied. 

“Would it be too bold for me to ask for your number?”

\-----------------------------------

The next afternoon, as midday sunlight poured in through shafts of brilliantly golden light, I found myself wrapped around Namjoon in the messy sheets of his bed in a student apartment. 

He clearly wasn’t concerned about any of the formalities like conversation and emotions. When he’d texted me an hour ago and asked me to come over, I knew exactly what his intentions were. I was relieved to be on the same page. 

He’d done away with my clothes so efficiently, I almost admitted out loud to how impressed I was. But, that was probably really lame.

I perched atop him, the afternoon sun warm on my skin. Straddling his hips, I ducked my head to press light kisses down the center of his chest. His stomach was muscular and well-defined; clearly, historical research wasn’t the only activity he was interested in. 

My hand trailed down toward the waistband of his sweatpants. As I tugged them down, Namjoon bit his lip and took hold of my thighs roughly.

“Wait, come here,” he murmured. 

“What?”

“My face,” he answered. “Come sit on my face.”

Wow. 

“I… are you sure?” I asked. I had to admit, I wasn’t opposed to it. 

Namjoon smirked. “I’ll beg for it if you want me to.”

Uh,  _ wow _ . 

I giggled. “No need for that.”

A little timidly, I scooted up on the bed until I straddled Namjoon’s face on the pillow. His hands cupped my ass forcefully, pressing me closer to him. He was so eager, it turned me on even more. 

Grabbing onto the headboard, I lowered my clit toward his mouth. With a hungry groan, he lapped at it. 

Unable to control my reaction, I tossed my head back and moaned. He knew what he was doing. 

“Ride me, baby,” he whispered, hot breath fanning out across my inner thighs. 

I cursed loudly. The way his tongue swirled around my center, coupled with the contented grunts he was making, was going to push me over the edge quicker than I expected.

Panting, I let my head fall back and I closed my eyes. Allowing myself to get lost in the moment, the pleasure took over. I moved my hips in slow circles against his expert lips and tongue, shaking from the stimulation. 

“Can I spank you?” he murmured. 

There was absolutely no way I was going to say no to anything at that moment. I nodded and moaned out an affirmation. 

One of his hands slipped away from my ass for the briefest of seconds, only to come down hard on my left cheek. The slight sting, coupled with the overwhelming bliss of his mouth between my legs, made my heart skip a beat. I smiled in ecstasy up at the ceiling. 

“You like that?” he groaned. “Want me to do it again?”

“Yes,” I breathed.

So, he did. Harder this time, but it felt even better than the first. He flattened his tongue against my clit and licked more roughly. 

“Yes,  _ yes _ … I’m close,” I whined. “I’m so close, Joo--”

And then, before I could finish my sentence, my orgasm struck with enough force to shut me up. 

When I came down from my high, I readjusted myself to sit back down on Namjoon’s still-clothed lap. I could feel his erection, hard and insistent, through the fabric of his sweatpants. 

He was grinning at me, fingertips trailing up from my hips to my breasts.

“Did you just call me Joo?” he asked.

I was unwilling to accept that I’d almost moaned another man’s name while being tongue-fucked by a random classmate I just properly met yesterday. I decided it was best to deflect. 

“Is that not a good nickname for Namjoon?” I asked, grinding my hips against his. 

He chuckled. “I didn’t realize we were at the nickname stage so soon.”

I snorted, visibly shrugging it off. “How about you shut up and fuck me now?”

He raised his eyebrows at my words, but was clearly amused. 

“Yes, ma’am,” he murmured, grabbing my hips again and tossing me to the side. His size and strength made it pretty easy for him to man-handle me. In less than a minute, he had kicked off his sweatpants and flipped me over onto my stomach. 

I lifted myself up onto my knees and elbows as Namjoon came close behind me, curving his body to mine. 

He entered me and I moaned, fingers digging into the sheets. My hair hung in my face as he thrusted into me. He held on firmly to my hips, moving to a quick rhythm that left me breathless. 

However, as his movements became more erratic and his moans turned into desperate groans, I felt his fingers move around toward my stomach and then dip in between my legs. He massaged circles into my clit roughly and I pressed my face into the pillow to muffle my shout of pleasure. 

“Come again for me,” he sighed. 

What was I gonna do… say no?

Moments later, after we both reached our climax together--me for the second time in mere minutes--we lay in a sweaty, tangled mess on his sheets catching our breath. 

“Has anyone ever told you that you’re a beast in the sack?” said Namjoon, reaching for his backpack on the floor where it had been discarded. 

I snorted, watching as he unlocked his phone and idly started scrolling.

“Yeah, actually.” 

“Good,” he replied. 

Suddenly, he sat up straight and swore loudly.

“Shit, shit,  _ shit, _ ” he said, instantly standing up and throwing on the closest articles of clothing he could find. Confused, I sat up on his bed, wondering if I should also be getting dressed in an unexpected flurry of chaos.

“Everything okay?” I asked.

“I’m so sorry,” Namjoon said, shooting me an anxious glance that was the complete opposite of the dark bedroom eyes he’d had mere seconds before. “I just remembered I have a seminar in 10 minutes and Professor Min is going to  _ murder  _ me if I’m late. I’m really, really sorry. You can let yourself out?”

“Oh,” I answered. “Uh, sure. Yeah. No worries.”

Then, just like that, Namjoon hurried out of his apartment, leaving me naked in his bed.

Well, at least that was… exciting.

Feeling a little awkward, I slid out of his sheets and went about locating my clothes where they were scattered around his disorganized bedroom. Once dressed, I checked my reflection in the mirror on his bureau; I smoothed down my tangled hair and wiped away at the smudge of mascara at the corners of my eyes. 

I wandered out of his bedroom and found myself in an unfamiliar living room. I tried to orient myself and remember which way the exit was. 

“Don’t worry,” came the sound of a voice nearby. “He does that a lot.”

It took me a minute to locate the source of the voice, and then I realized that it was coming from the floor. Stepping further into the living room, I noticed a very tall, lanky, broad-shouldered boy sprawled out on the carpet beside the couch. 

“He does what a lot?” I asked. I assumed this was Namjoon’s roommate. 

The boy lifted his head slightly off the floor to offer me a smile. “Leaves pretty girls stranded in his bed… he doesn’t mean to, he’s just forgetful.”

“Right.”

“I’m Taehyung, by the way,” he continued. “Aren’t you Y/N? Lee Minhyuk’s friend?”

“Yeah,” I answered. “How do you know Min?”

“I’m in Studio Art with him.”

These damn art kids knew everyone. 

I turned slightly away to make my way out of the apartment, not wanting to overstay my welcome. Especially since I hadn’t even realized someone else had been there that whole time hearing me and Namjoon… do all of  _ that _ …

“Want some drugs?” asked Taehyung. 

I glanced down at him. He was smiling blissfully, holding a lit joint up between long, slender fingers. I hesitated rather obviously and he waggled his eyebrows. 

“Totally platonic drugs, I promise,” he said.

I shrugged and went to go sit next to him on the carpet. It’s not like I had anywhere else to be that afternoon. Plus, this boy seemed nice. He also had a very calming presence about him. A serene aura that vaguely reminded me of Changkyun, but not in an uncomfortable way.

I accepted the joint from him and took a hit before passing it back. 

Taehyung started chattering as if we were close friends. “You can tell me to fuck off and mind my own business, but… weren’t you dating that music kid? Got signed to that huge label, like, right after grad? How does that one song go? Like ‘ _ glass half emptyyy _ \--’”

“Yeah, that’s the one,” I replied, cutting him off. “Changkyun.”

“Yes, him!” said Taehyung, taking another hit of the joint. He handed it to me. I inhaled deeply, grateful for the easy lightness that was already beginning to take over my mind. “I always used to see you guys together around Minhyuk.” 

“We broke up,” I explained. 

“I assumed,” he replied, nodding his head toward Namjoon’s bedroom. 

With a light chuckle, I lay down on the carpet beside him a few feet away. I allowed the drugs to calm my restless mind and haywire emotions, feeling a sense of peace wash over me as Taehyung and I passed the joint back and forth in the comfortable quiet of the otherwise empty apartment.

If I had told myself last year that I’d be on the floor of a stranger’s apartment, sharing drugs with that stranger’s even stranger roommate, after getting fucked by the aforementioned stranger in the middle of the afternoon on a Tuesday… I probably would’ve assumed I’d lost my mind.

But, the moment didn’t feel as crazy as it sounded. Nothing about my life was the normal or explainable stuff that I was used to before. When you lose everything you thought you would have forever, chaotic moments become less so. 

“Taehyung?” I asked. The drugs had fully kicked in at that point.

“Hmm?” he replied, turning his head lazily to meet my gaze. 

“Do you believe in soulmates?” I inquired. “Like, one true love?”

“ _ One  _ true love?” he clarified.

“Yeah, like there’s  _ one  _ person who is the true, singular love of our life.”

“Nah,” he responded. “That’s bullshit.”

I sighed. “I think I used to believe in soulmates.”

“It’s just not realistic,” said Taehyung, waving his hands in the air as he spoke. “We change so much. We’re different people every day. You’re not even the same person you were an hour ago. So, how could we possibly have just one person out there that we’re destined to be with, or whatever? It doesn’t add up in my head. I mean, what if you have multiple soulmates?”

I took a final puff of the joint and handed it back to Taehyung. I watched him finish it off and then stamp it out in an ashtray on the coffee table nearby.

“I thought Changkyun was my soulmate,” I admitted.

Taehyung sighed. “Well, maybe he was. But, that doesn’t mean that, just because you broke up, you’ll never love anyone again. You probably have another soulmate out there. Or two or three.”

“So, you don’t believe in true love?” I asked. 

“I believe in love,” he answered immediately. “But, I believe that love is different all the time for every person. Plus, love doesn’t only exist in the context of romance, you know? Like, don’t you love your friends? Your family? And you’ll love them forever, unconditionally? True love exists, but it’s not always in the forms you think.”

“You’re very wise,” I told him. “Like that caterpillar in Alice in Wonderland who disappears into a cloud of smoke.”

Taehyung snorted. “I’m only wise when I do drugs, man.”

“That’s fair.”

We settled back into silence. I thought about Changkyun. I thought about how, eight months ago, I thought I would marry him and grow old with him and spend the rest of my life with him. I thought we were soulmates, destined to be by each other’s side from the beginning of our lives until our dying day. But, when Changkyun admitted to his unfaithfulness and the whole perfect picture fell apart, I threw those beliefs out the window. I rejected any existence of soulmates or true love.

But, Taehyung was right. That was bullshit. 

I loved my friends… Minhyuk, Hyungwon, Bora, Dami… I knew I’d spend the rest of my life with them by my side. I’d do anything for them and they would do anything for me in turn. So, did that mean they were my soulmates, too?

Maybe it didn’t have to be as declarative as that. Maybe people were just meant to know each other, meant to cross paths, meant to love each other in some way. 

It could explain why Jooheon kept showing up... In my mind, in my thoughts, in the literal places I was. There was an invisible string between us, tying us together for some inexplicable and infuriating reason. 

Why  _ him _ ?

A gentle snore beside me alerted me to the fact that, likely due to the potency of what we’d been smoking, Taehyung had fallen asleep on the carpet.

Yep. It was time to go.


	21. Ruin My Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N can't stay away from a certain someone...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back, back again ;)

“This is probably a bad idea,” said Minhyuk as we stepped into the elevator.

“You’re probably right,” I replied.

“What are you two talking about?” asked Hyungwon. 

Minhyuk offered his boyfriend an easy smile. “Nothing, babe.”

The elevator doors slid shut as Minhyuk pressed a quick kiss to Hyungwon’s cheek. I couldn’t help grinning at the sight of them together. What were the chances that my childhood best friend and my college best friend would meet and fall in love one day? 

Hyungwon had moved back to Seoul full-time at this point and switched over to doing modeling mostly for Korean agencies. Apparently, he was making even more money than when he worked in Europe. He’d just bought a beautiful apartment in Gangnam to prove it. The only downside to that was, with Bora always over at Dami’s place, and now Minhyuk spending practically every night with Hyungwon, my own apartment was fairly lonely. 

I didn’t like feeling alone. 

The elevator stopped at the top floor of the building and, with a musical  _ ding _ , the doors glided open to reveal the entrance to an apartment I hadn’t set foot in since last Spring. 

It was Jooheon’s apartment. 

The front door had been propped open. Beyond the threshold, I could hear the delicate beats of a tasteful playlist through a very expensive audio system. Crowds of well-dressed music industry people milled around sipping cool, understated cocktails. 

“You good?” Minhyuk whispered in my ear. 

Before I could answer, my gaze locked with a familiar pair of eyes across the room.  _ Changkyun _ . He hurried over to our group with a shy smile on his face.

“Hey, Changkyun,” Hyungwon said in greeting, hugging our friend warmly. Minhyuk clapped him on the shoulder, and then both Changkyun and I offered each other polite smiles, neither one of us deciding to move in for an embrace. It was unbearably awkward. I thought about my conversation with Taehyung a few days ago. Maybe Changkyun was my soulmate, or maybe he wasn’t, but I certainly wasn’t a fan of the social chaos that was the aftermath of our demise.

“Thank you for coming,” said Changkyun, shifting awkwardly in his shoes. 

The thing was, even though we were at Jooheon’s place, this was Changkyun’s party. Jooheon was hosting it for his friend and colleague to celebrate the release of Changkyun’s first mini album under Honey Records. It was a dream come true for Changkyun, everything he had worked so hard for his entire life. 

So, of course I couldn’t turn down the invitation. 

“The album is incredible,” I told him. A passing waiter offered our trio a selection of cocktails from a tray, which we accepted. Changkyun turned down a refill of his own drink.

He smiled at me. I hadn’t seen that smile in ages. 

“Thank you,” he replied. “That means a lot.”

The truth that hung between us in the tense air was that we both knew every single track on his album was about me. I’d heard them all, and every single one was an ode to our history. From our years throwing dirt at each other on the playground to our first kiss at thirteen years old to the countless nights of making love… all of it, up to the day it all unraveled. 

It was a breakup album. A classic theme, a well-saturated genre. And yet, Changkyun’s twist on heartbreak and guilt had sounded undeniably fresh. 

I could tell the awkward formality was making Hyungwon uncomfortable. He hadn’t spent much time around Changkyun and I at the same time post-breakup. Minhyuk, however, was fairly used to it. 

“This apartment is insane,” said Minhyuk in an attempt to make casual conversation. 

Changkyun nodded his head, clearly more at ease talking to others, even Minhyuk, than to me. I didn’t blame him. Things between us were still so… heavy. After all, it hadn’t even been a full year since we ended things, and even though it had felt easier than I expected in the beginning, something had changed slightly in more recent weeks. As if the reality of the situation was really beginning to set in for both of us. 

“You guys should check out the view of the city,” Changkyun answered, gesturing to the familiar glass panels that lined the entire back wall of the penthouse. “It’s unreal.”

I was about to agree with him, but then quickly remembered that he wasn’t supposed to know that I’d been in this apartment before. 

“Oh, I think Elhae just arrived,” said Changkyun suddenly, glancing at the entrance behind us. “Excuse me for a minute; I’ll catch back up with you in a bit.”

And, just like that, smooth and cool like I’d never seen him before, Changkyun left us to greet his musician friend. 

Hyungwon shrugged his shoulders and motioned for us to go over to the windows that overlooked all the beautiful city lights. I stood a few feet away from Minhyuk and Hyungwon as they took in the stunning sight, holding hands and touching shoulders. 

My mind, ruthless as ever, wanted to take me back to that night. The first night I saw this view. 

_ My face pressed close to the glass, the apartment dark and silent, the way Jooheon’s gentle fingertips ghosted my waist as he stood behind me.  _

I swallowed hard and tore my gaze away from the windows. Unfortunately, my eyes immediately settled on Jaebum, standing with a few guys from the label that I recognized. He was watching me. In fact, it seemed like he’d been watching me for the past few minutes. 

Lifting my hand in a timid wave, I smiled awkwardly. In answer, Jaebum nodded his head with a small smile of his own. Obviously, we hadn’t interacted much since that steamy studio hook-up. It seemed to be an unspoken agreement between us to keep that memory sacred and not try to ruin it by pursuing anything further, especially considering he worked with Changkyun and Jooheon. 

Not that he knew I’d slept with Jooheon. But, still.

For the first time in my life, I felt a little socially awkward. Minhyuk and Hyungwon were whispering to each other as they pointed to various buildings across the city. My ex-boyfriend was surrounded by a crowd of laughing friends and colleagues. The guy who’d featured my sex moans on a track was keeping his distance. The only positive was that, so far, Jooheon was nowhere to be seen.

Why was I here? 

Suddenly, I just wanted to leave. 

However, instead of running back out of the apartment, I spotted a glass door hidden in an alcove in the far corner of the room. It looked like it led out onto an empty balcony. 

Completely unnoticed, I set down my half-empty drink and ducked away from my friends, slipping out through the almost invisible door. 

Outside, it was quiet. The air was cold on my bare arms, but I didn’t mind. 

A variety of plants stood guard around the perimeter of the intimate balcony, casting leafy shadows across the glimmering black tile. A plexiglass barrier skirted the small outdoor area. I stepped toward it, feeling blissfully alone and at peace, despite my current location.

Thirty floors below on the street, cars and people and buses scurried around the city. The distant urban roar felt like music to my ears and I breathed in deeply, leaning against the railing and pretending that the lights of the buildings around me were stars. 

I wanted to stand out there forever. I even felt jealous of Jooheon for having a home like this, with a special hideaway that offered him a secret view of our city that no one else had. I wondered what he thought about when he stood out here, all by himself in his lonely apartment. 

“Please tell me you’re not about to jump.”

I cursed and spun around at the sound of a painfully recognizable voice.

I hadn’t even realized there was someone else out here. 

But, sure enough, disguised by the shadows, Jooheon leaned against the exterior wall of the apartment, arms crossed casually across his chest. He was wearing a stylish black turtleneck tonight, paired with leather trousers that would have been difficult for anyone else to look so chic in. However, as always, Jooheon looked amazing.

“Sorry,” he said, smirking slightly as he approached. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“I didn’t know anyone else was out here,” I replied, watching as he came to stand beside me, leaning his elbows against the glass railing. 

“Technically, no one else should be,” he responded. “I meant to lock that door.”

Confused, I looked behind me as he gestured to the door I’d entered through minutes ago. Then I noticed the second balcony entrance further down, concealed slightly by towering potted plants. Beyond that door, I caught a glimpse of the bedroom that I’d been seeing in my memories for months and months. 

I blushed and turned my face to look back out over the city. So this was Jooheon’s bedroom balcony. I’d trespassed on a private place while he was, clearly, having a private moment. 

The tension between us was unbearable, but both of us remained still and quiet as we stood too close to each other, staring out at the night sky. A cool breeze lifted some of the hair off my neck. A burst of laughter from inside reached my ears.

Still, neither one of us moved.

Until, finally, he spoke. “You know,” he murmured, keeping his gaze trained on the glass apartment tower next door. “I’m still waiting for an apology.”

Brow furrowed, I looked over at him, but he still did not look at me. 

“Apology?” I asked. 

A quiet exhale of light laughter escaped his throat and he looked down at his shoes.

“When I woke up that morning, you were gone,” was his simple explanation.

His words hit me like a ton of bricks. 

All this time, I hadn’t realized he might have been hurt by my disappearance. I had assumed that escaping from his sheets before he woke was the normal thing to do; the  _ right  _ thing to do. I had figured he wouldn’t think of it, or of me, for more than a second. 

Ever since that Spring night, I had been thinking that I was nothing more than another hookup to the charming bachelor that was Korea’s Joohoney. 

But, the genuine tone in his voice told me otherwise. 

I had hurt his feelings.

“Oh,” I breathed. “I… I thought…”

It didn’t matter what I thought. One of the most important things I’d learned these past several months was that you don’t get to decide how other people feel.

“I’m sorry,” I told Jooheon, my voice so quiet that I was worried the wind might carry it away.

But, he heard me. After a painful beat of silence, Jooheon looked up from the floor and met my eyes. I felt a pang in my chest at the sight of his glittering dark stare. He was so beautiful. 

“If it’s any consolation,” I added. “I regret it.”

Surprise flooded his expression. “You do?”

I hadn’t admitted it out loud to anyone. Hell, I’d barely admitted it to myself. But, there was no use lying anymore. The night that I’d shared with Jooheon had been unlike any other nights I’d shared with the string of other men I’d collected over the past months. It was different. Special. So, it turned out that the drug-induced conversation I’d had with a random art student had had more truth to it than I realized. 

There was something between us that I could no longer deny. I’d been telling myself that it was wrong to acknowledge that feeling, that glimmer of light I felt when I saw him or even just thought of him. It was wrong to fall for a man I’d slept with in an attempt to get over the heartbroken boy I still cared deeply for, especially since that man was involved in both mine  _ and _ Changkyun’s life. 

However, I decided I couldn’t keep it to myself anymore. 

“I still think about it,” I admitted. “All the time.”

Jooheon turned to face me, leaving one arm draped over the railing. I mirrored his stance, gazing up at him. His lips parted slightly as if he were about to say something, but he didn’t.

I was vaguely aware of an entire party going on around us. Of the hundreds of people here to celebrate another man. 

But, all I could see was Jooheon. 

“I think about you,” he finally replied, his voice velvet-soft. “All the time.”

Somehow, we’d moved closer to each other.

“We shouldn’t do this,” I whispered. I couldn’t keep from glancing down at his lips, remembering the way they’d once felt on mine. “Changkyun is…”

“I know,” he murmured. Still, he lifted a hand to stroke my cheek with the lightest touch. 

At the contact, it was like a bolt of electricity struck us both. 

Like magnets, we collided.

He tasted just like I remembered. 

The kiss was heavy, open-mouthed, desperate. As we wrapped ourselves around each other, we stumbled backwards until my back was against the exterior wall, safe from the ledge of the balcony. 

I moaned into his mouth as his hips pressed hard against mine. I couldn’t get him close enough.

His lips trailed down to my throat. 

“I need you,” he whispered against my skin. 

“ _ Please _ ,” I sighed. 

He grabbed my thighs and lifted me up into his arms as if to carry me through the door leading into his bedroom. 

But, we were interrupted by the loud and frustrated exclamation of someone standing in the doorway that led back into the party. Both of us leaped apart instantly. 

Minhyuk stood on the balcony, hands on his hips.

“No,” he said, glaring at both Jooheon and I. “Absolutely not. Not again, not here, not now.”

“Again?” asked a quieter, confused voice behind Minhyuk.

Hyungwon stepped out beside his boyfriend, staring at the scene before him in utter shock and disbelief. 

I’d never had the heart to tell Hyungwon the truth about what happened that night when I left Medicine club. He was Changkyun’s best friend, not just mine, and I was terrified of what he would think of me. It didn’t matter that Hyungwon knew Changkyun had been the one to cheat on me, the one who questioned our love for each other, the one who hurt me first… I didn’t want to disappoint someone I’d known and loved forever. 

I didn’t want to lose another person. 

“You two…?” Hyungwon breathed. “You… with Jooheon? What the fuck is happening right now?”

It was clear that he wasn’t angry, but merely baffled. I couldn’t imagine what the scene must have looked like to him. One half of the happiest former couple he’d ever known locked in a steamy embrace with the other half’s employer and friend. Not only that, but to hear the word  _ again _ , indicating that this wasn’t the first time. 

If I was him, I’d be just as stunned. 

Weirdly enough, I was the first one to speak. “I think we should go,” I murmured, glancing at Jooheon. He looked at me like that was the last thing on Earth he wanted. 

I couldn’t help feeling the same. 

Minhyuk reached for my hand and gently pulled me back toward the door. 

And then, despite every cell in my body screaming for me not to, I tore myself away from Jooheon’s side. 


	22. Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N sees a familiar face...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the filler, but things start heating up very soon!

I shouldn’t care about him. I shouldn’t think about him. I shouldn’t want to be with him. I shouldn’t be drowning in the memory of his kiss, choking on the recollection of his hands on my body, stumbling at the thought of the way he whispered my name in the darkness.

Jooheon and I couldn’t be together. It wasn’t right. The wires between us and Changkyun were too tangled. 

There was no happy ending for us. 

I had to forget him. I had to let him fade away.

It was best for me and for him if I simply put as much distance as possible between myself and him and Changkyun. No more appearances at small-venue shows or glamorous penthouse parties. No more stopping by the studio to hook-up with other Honey Records employees. No more casual text messages, no more running into each other at the same clubs, no more swimming in the same social circles.

We all needed to move on. 

The universe was wrong this time. Jooheon and I couldn’t cross paths again. 

I started spending more time with Bora, whose free time had opened up since Dami was away in Europe for a company conference. I opened up to her about Jooheon and the way that, when we were in the same room, it felt like no force in the universe was strong enough to keep us apart. 

I admitted to her that it was unlike anything I’d felt before, even with Changkyun. With Changkyun, the main feeling had always been comfort. Safety.  _ Home _ .    
  


With Jooheon, it was like electricity. It felt dangerous and exciting. 

I explained to Bora how Minhyuk believed it was best for me to distance myself from both Jooheon and Changkyun for a while, at least until the more intense emotions started to fade. 

But, Bora didn’t seem to agree.

“I mean, it’s not realistic for you to spend the rest of your life avoiding Changkyun,” she said as we walked across campus to meet Minhyuk at a coffee shop. “Think about it. You guys grew up in the same town, know the same people, and you still care about each other a lot. It’s not fair or realistic to force yourself to never interact with him again.”

“Well, not never again,” I replied. The weather was beginning to warm up and the evening sky was streaked with purple and navy. “Just until whatever is between me and Jooheon goes away.”

Bora snorted. “What makes you think it’s going to go away? It’s been, what? Eight months? Nine months? Almost a year, Y/N.”

I shrugged. “Well, then I’ll give it two years.”

She sighed heavily in response, causing a passing freshman to give her a nervous glance. 

“What’s the big deal anyway?” she exclaimed. “You’re clearly over Changkyun, at least romantically. And now that he’s got that depressing album out to the world, it seems like he’s doing better, too. So… so, what? You date Jooheon. You fall in love with Jooheon. You marry Jooheon and you have Jooheon’s babies and you grow old with him and blah blah blah… what’s wrong with that? What is the problem? Is it just that Changkyun is friends with him?”

“I guess--”

But, Bora wasn’t finished. Honestly, I appreciated the rant.

“What if Changkyun started dating one of your friends? Would you lose your mind, fall into a rage, and never speak to him again? No! It’d be weird, but you’d adjust. And he’s even more mellow than you are, so...” 

She fell quiet for a moment, tossing her long hair over her shoulder as if to punctuate her various points. She was so little, but so passionate and ferocious about her opinions. 

“I should have been asking you for advice this entire time,” I replied. “Not Minhyuk.”

“That’s the fucking truth,” she replied with a sigh. “Oh, I think this is the cafe.”

I stopped short. Minhyuk had asked us to meet him there so we could go grab dinner together, as he’d already been at the cafe studying with his classmates for a while. He’d texted Bora the address and I’d wandered along.

But, of course, it was Johnny’s cafe. 

Or rather, the cafe that Johnny worked at. 

I stopped outside the cafe. “I’ll meet you in there,” I told Bora. “I just remembered I told my dad I’d call him.”

She could tell I was lying, but she wasn’t the type to question me. 

She disappeared into the cafe to meet Minhyuk while I remained outside. With a loud sigh, I sat down on the edge of the sidewalk. 

It wasn’t like things with Johnny had ended badly or weirdly. In fact, they hadn’t really ended officially at all, we just… never slept with each other again. Or texted each other again. It was a mutual fizzling-out. So, I wasn’t freaking out because I was faced with the possibility of seeing Johnny, the puppy-like barista, again. 

Rather, it was the realization that this cafe was where it had all begun. Or, where most of it had begun. Johnny was the first person I’d been with after the most chaotic weekend of my life, which involved mine and Changkyun’s breakup, and then mine and Jooheon’s hookup. 

That scandalous tryst in the stockroom had been like a catalyst for everything that happened in the months that followed. It had made me realize just how easy it was to kiss other people. That sex and attraction could be simple. It didn’t have to be life-changing or earth-shattering. It could be something fun. It could be an adventure. 

After Johnny had come so many others. Jaebum. Jackson and Mark. Namjoon. 

I was nothing like the girl I was before. I was more confident. I understood my own thoughts and emotions better. I’d crawled my way through the end of a relationship that no one saw coming. 

But, when did it end? Was this life now? Would I keep bouncing from one lover to the next? What if I never found anyone who felt like home again?

Bora’s words did make a lot of sense. If I was ready to be in a relationship again, and it happened to be with Jooheon, surely all of the complicated knots would work themselves out in the end. 

But, I also did see the logic in Minhyuk’s argument that I shouldn’t be around Jooheon or Changkyun for the moment. 

“Oh, hey,” came a male voice. “It’s the kitchen counter girl.”

Confused, I watched as a familiar man sat down on the edge of the sidewalk beside me, resting his elbows on his knees. 

After a moment, I recognized him as Jaehyun. Johnny’s roommate. 

The one who had been disturbingly cold to me that day he’d walked in on Johnny and I making out in the kitchen. 

“Um, hi,” I replied.

“What are you doing here?” he asked. He was smiling slightly. His eyes were even sparkling. This was nothing like the Jaehyun I had met months ago. “Are you and Johnny--?”

“Oh, no,” I answered. “I’m just meeting my roommate.”

“Ah, got it,” he replied. “Are you good? Any reason why you’re sitting on the ground?”

“Uh,” I responded, not sure why this guy was checking in on me. Maybe whenever he wasn’t in whatever terrible mood he had been in on the day he met, he was usually this friendly and conversational with people on the streets. “I guess I was just having a moment.”

“I get that,” Jaehyun answered. “Sorry, by the way. For being a dick when I walked in on you guys ages ago. I’d just gotten out of a really toxic relationship.”

I remembered Johnny mentioning that Jaehyun had been cheated on. It was interesting how perfect strangers could relate about so many things. You could walk by someone on the street who had dealt with or was currently dealing with the same hardship as you, and you wouldn’t even realize that you could be a source of support for each other.

“No worries,” I told him. “I get it.”

“It’s funny,” he continued. Clearly, he was just here to meet his roommate. I didn’t know why he continued to talk to me. “You think you have your entire life planned out perfectly. You feel like you’re doing everything correct. Following all the rules. Coloring inside all the lines. And then it all explodes and suddenly you don’t even know who you are anymore. You feel like you’re never going to love anyone again. Or you feel like you have to push away the possibility of new love just to protect yourself and avoid the same destruction happening again. But, time really does heal, you know? One day you wake up and you start to feel okay again.”

I didn’t know what to say. It was like he was reading the words written on my heart out loud to me. 

Jaehyun realized he’d overshared and bit his lip, glancing down at his shoes in embarrassment. 

“Sorry,” he said. “I don’t know what you’re going through, but it just seemed like you needed some encouragement.”

“No, I appreciate it,” I told him. “Thanks.”

He laughed and stood up. “Anytime.”

Jaehyun ducked into the coffee shop, presumably to meet up with his roommate. I remained out on the sidewalk for a moment longer. 

He was what felt like the hundredth person to give me advice in the past couple of weeks. While parts of what everyone had told me rang true and felt valid, not one path of action suggested to me seemed like the right one. 

And that’s when I realized… it didn’t matter what other people thought I should do. 

What do  _ I  _ think I should do? What do  _ I  _ want? 


	23. Hard Sometimes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N says goodbye...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! First of all, I'm so sorry it's been ages since I updated; I've been super busy in my personal life. But I really hope this chapter makes it worth it.
> 
> Fair warning: I sobbed like a baby while writing this.

“Are you sure you want me here with you for this?” asked Hyungwon, settling down in a cross-legged position on the carpet beside me. 

“Absolutely,” I responded, offering him an encouraging smile. 

We were sitting on the floor next to each other, staring into the dark space of my bedroom closet. I’d known what I needed to do, but I asked Hyungwon to join me for moral support. He was a part of these memories, too.

Minhyuk was out in the living room, working on a painting, giving us space.

Hyungwon had spent only three seconds being mad at me for sleeping with Jooheon. In fact, the anger was more directed at the fact that I’d kept it from him than the fact that I’d done it in the first place. It felt incredibly validating that he reacted that way. It reminded me that I wasn’t a bad person, but merely a sad person who’d made a questionable decision. 

Well, a few questionable decisions. 

“Okay,” I said, nodding my head once. Hyungwon bit his lip nervously.

Why was I afraid? Fear is useless and temporary. 

I loved that phrase. I remember it was what I’d told myself that night months and months ago before I kissed Jooheon. I’d been acting on that phrase ever since. It reminded me of what Changkyun and his father used to say all the time.  _ The only way is forward _ .

Without a moment more of hesitation, I leaned forward and reached into the farthest back corner of my closet to pull out a small box. 

_ Ten Months Ago _

_ I quietly and methodically took down the various photos of us, from age three to twenty-three, taped up on the walls, stuck around the vanity mirror, and tacked to the corkboard. An entire lifetime of knowing him, of loving him, just piled up in my hands like that. _

Hyungwon was quiet next to me. Patient. Still. Giving me the space to react how I needed to without putting any pressure on me. My friends were so good to me.

The photographs, dozens and dozens of them, of various shapes and sizes, were stacked in a haphazard mess in the small lidless box, as if they’d been tossed away in a reckless hurry. Of course, they had been. 

I picked up the one on top.

Three chubby-cheeked toddlers grinned at a camera. It was an old polaroid, the colors faded slightly. The small girl in the middle had smears of dirt on her face and scabbed knees, but her smile was blinding. The two boys on either side of her had unkempt hair and messy clothes, but they mirrored her expression. 

“This one is so cute,” I said softly, rubbing the tip of my thumb ever so slightly on the image of Changkyun’s small face. His tiny fist was clenched around a plastic toy microphone. My heart clenched at the sight of it.  _ Your dreams came true, Kyunnie _ , I wanted to tell the little boy.

I set it aside. 

The next photo caused a little more pain. 

Two fourteen year olds, skinny and clumsy, stood outside my childhood home in our school uniforms. Hongjoong, just ten years old at the time, stood next to me, staring up at his sister and her friend. 

_ 9 Years Ago _

_ “Y/N, Kyun-ah, why can’t you smile for me?” whined my mother, aiming the disposable camera at us after arranging us on our front stoop for the past five minutes. _

_ “Eomma! You’re gonna make us late for school,” I groaned. “It’s the first day!” _

_ “Hush, don’t be so selfish, Y/N,” she replied. “These are my precious memories, too.” _

_ But, her words only made me scowl deeper.  _

_ “Hey, Y/N,” whispered Changkyun in my ear. I glanced at my best friend. He made a funny face, puffing out his cheeks and sticking his chin close to his neck.  _

_ I snorted loudly and the two of us burst into laughter.  _

_ My mother took a dozen photos. _

The image she’d captured was me, small and shy, nervous for my first day of high school, somehow laughing as if I didn’t have a care in the world as I looked at Changkyun. 

Changkyun and I used to walk to school together every day in high school. Sometimes, Hongjoong would tag along with his friends, but it was always at least the two of us. Hyungwon lived on the other side of town, so we would meet up with him on the front steps of the school so the three of us could enter together. Those walks with him were some of my most special memories. We shared secrets and desires and dreams together on those walks.

“I hated those uniforms,” Hyungwon sighed as I set the photo aside along with the smiling toddlers. “When I had that growth spurt summer before junior year, the pants were always above my ankles, no matter how much my mom tried to tailor them.”

I laughed, remembering Hyungwon’s too-long limbs as a sixteen year old, sticking out awkwardly from his school uniform. 

“At least your height worked out for you in the end,” I replied, winking. “International model and all that.”

Hyungwon grinned, playfully rolling his eyes.

I took a deep breath and shuffled through the next few photos. 

_ Two Years Ago _

_ Jeju Island, sun glistening on the ocean waves, a happy couple kissing in their bathing suits on the sandy shore. I had my arms wrapped around Changkyun’s neck, and his arms were around my waist as he leaned into the kiss. _

  
  


_ Five Years Ago _

_ High school graduation. We’d changed out of our formal clothes for the garden party Hyungwon’s parents were throwing in the backyard. Hyungwon had taken this photo when the two of us weren’t paying attention, sitting beside each other next to the brilliant pink azalea bushes. Changkyun was whispering something in my ear and I had a gentle smile on my eighteen year old face, the only one privy to his secrets.  _

_ “I love you,” he whispered in my ear. “I’ll love you forever.” _

_ “I love you more,” I replied. “Always.” _

  
  


_ Three Years Ago _

_ A drunken selca, slightly blurred. We were at a club, faces sweaty from dancing in thick crowds of other young students. Changkyun smiled at the camera while I turned my face to press a sloppy kiss to his cheek.  _

_ That night, we made love in the bathroom of the club. Young, reckless, carefree, madly in love.  _

  
  


_ Sixteen Years Ago _

_ Three kids in a sandbox, arguing.  _

_ “Y/N, you can’t marry Hyungwon!” Changkyun whined. _

_ “I can marry whoever I want!” I shouted back.  _

_ We were fighting, as usual, about who would be the mommy and daddy when we played house in the neighborhood park. Hyungwon was tired of being the baby, so I suggested he take a turn being my make-believe husband. Changkyun threw a fit. _

_ My father had captured the polaroid just as the two of us opened our mouths to scream in unison at one another, while Hyungwon sat in the sand beneath us, completely unbothered. _

  
  


I realized I was crying when a tear fell from my face onto the photo. 

  
“Hey, darling, come here,” murmured Hyungwon, scooping me up into his arms.

Then, for the first time in too long, I sobbed. 

I mourned the end of me and Changkyun, from beginning to end. I cherished the memories of us growing up together, from screaming matches on the playground to nervous, blushing-cheeked glances across classrooms. From the hushed whispers during childhood sleepovers to the timid breathing of two teenagers exploring each other’s bodies for the first time. From the certainty about the future that came with the sureness of being young and naive to the blood-chilling terror at the reality that everything we once believed in was gone. 

“I thought I would marry him,” I sobbed into Hyungwon’s chest, my voice thick with tears. 

“I know, love,” he replied softly, rubbing circles gently on my back. 

I let the heartbreak wash over me in one big wave, fresh and unlike the way it had felt ten months ago when all of this was new. 

Had I been keeping this locked away inside me this whole time?

As I tried to calm myself down in Hyungwon’s embrace, I said goodbye to the pieces of my future I thought I would have one by one.

Because the truth is, our future is never set in stone. Not even when we think it is. We are different people every day, every morning that we wake up. We are capable of new and brilliant and unknown futures every time we open our eyes to greet the sun. We have a million futures inside of us. 

Changkyun was one of mine.

I said goodbye to it. I said goodbye to the backyard wedding, flowers in my hair, our mothers sobbing in the front row, a soft acoustic song Changkyun had written playing for our first dance. 

I said goodbye to our first home together, probably a tiny apartment in an artsy neighborhood. We were young and broke, but we’d bought it all by ourselves. We made it our own.

I said goodbye to the baby in my arms, with my eyes and his nose and my grandmother’s hair and his uncle’s ears. I said goodbye to the cheerful and inquisitive children we would have had together. Mischievous and smart, if they took after me. Wise and patient, if they took after him. 

I said goodbye to the places we would travel together. Bangkok, Singapore, Paris, New York City. All the cities we loved; the cities we wanted to love each other in. 

I said goodbye to the life we would have had together. To the wrinkles and the gray hair and the lazy porch swing. To the way we would have left this world the same way we came into it:  _ together _ .

And when I was done saying goodbye, the tears stopped. 

It was a beautiful life that we almost had together.

But, there were other lives to live. Other beautiful things to discover and experience. 

I extracted myself from Hyungwon’s arms and used the sleeve of my sweater to wipe away the tears on my flushed cheeks.

“I’m okay,” I said, my voice weak. Still, I smiled. 

Hyungwon had been crying. I realized he was mourning, just like me. When Changkyun and I broke up, one of his futures died, too. The one where his best friends were the most enduring example of true love he’d ever known. The one where he had to choose between being mine or Changkyun’s best man at the wedding. The one where he got to be a pseudo-uncle to our kids. 

He sniffled slightly and mirrored my smile. 

“I’ve never seen two people love each other like you and Changkyun did,” he said. “I lost my faith in love a little bit when you told me it was over.”

I nodded and reached up to wipe away a tear streaking down the bridge of his nose. “I’m sorry.”

But, Hyungwon shook his head. “Don’t you dare apologize,” he replied. “And anyway, I have Minhyuk now.”

I thought of my friend out in the other room, chaotic and tempestuous, but so kind. He had a mind so complex and artistic, I knew I could be friends with him forever and still discover new facets of him. He deserved a boy who loved him the way Hyungwon did.

And Hyungwon… my best friend. The boy I’d known just as long as I’d known Changkyun. The boy I’d grown up with, laughed and lost and learned with, too. He worked so hard to achieve his goals; his determination was unlike anyone else’s. He deserved to be loved as hard as Minhyuk loved him. 

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Hyungwon asked, self-consciously drying his face with the back of his hand.

I shook my head and grinned. “I’m just really glad I forced Minhyuk to come over and say hi to you that night at Medicine club.”

“So many things began that night, huh?” Hyungwon replied.

And, because he was always lounging on the edge of my mind, I thought of him. Glossy black hair, glowing blue under the flashing lights. Dark eyes, both delightfully curious and sparkling with humor. A charming smirk, revealing a pair of dimples. 

I remembered every word he said to me, even with the music pounding into my bloodstream and drowning out everyone else.

_ “I don’t know how any man in his right mind could let a woman like you go,” he said to me after ordering two shots of Patrón. “But, I guess that’s how life is sometimes.” _

He was right. That is how life is sometimes. Unexpected. Shocking. 

“You know it’s okay if you love him, right?” Hyungwon whispered. I knew he wasn’t talking about Changkyun anymore.

I swallowed and looked away. Quietly, I busied myself with gathering the photographs back up and placed them inside the box. Instead of shoving them back into my closet, I placed the box on my desk. I was going to mail them back to my mother so she could put them in one of the dozens of photo albums she had lining the shelves of our living room. 

It was one of my favorite things about my mother. Once, I’d asked her why she didn’t just keep the photos on her phone or computer, or store them on a harddrive. 

_ “No, no, love,”  _ she had replied.  _ “Memories are precious. Each one needs to be held.” _

So, I would let her hold Changkyun and I one more time. I’d let her put us away in an album, storing us in the ever-growing library of our family’s life. 

“I don’t know if I love him,” I admitted to Hyungwon. “But, I do know that he’s always on my mind, and he’s always showing up, even when it doesn’t make sense. And yet, I’m never annoyed when I see him. I’m happy.”

“I think that’s love,” replied Hyungwon. He stood up from the floor. He reached down to take my hands and help me up after him, like he’d been doing since we were kids. 

“I think I’m learning there are a lot of different ways that love takes form,” I told him.

He smiled. “I think you’re right.”

I hugged him goodnight and Hyungwon left my bedroom to go join Minhyuk in the living room.

Laying down on my bed, I felt exhausted, but I couldn’t fall asleep. My mind was a jumble of two people.

For the first time, I felt a sense of calm when I thought about Changkyun. We would always have our history, and we would always love each other, but the fact that our romance blew up didn’t feel so tragic anymore. It felt like just another part of life. It was something that I was sure would make me sad for a long time, but the possibilities of a million futures were finally visible to me. 

And I had to admit to myself that one of those futures contained Jooheon. 

_ Jooheon _ .

It was two in the morning. I’d been through an obstacle course of emotions over the past few hours, and my mind had still found its way back to him. 

From its place on my bedside table, my phone started vibrating. Who was calling me at this hour?

When I looked at the screen, I laughed out loud. I couldn’t help it.

This was getting ridiculous.

But, I picked up immediately.

“Hi, Jooheon,” I whispered, keeping my voice soft in the darkness of my bedroom. 

“You’re awake,” he answered. His voice was just as quiet as mine. It made my spine tingle.

“I can’t sleep,” I replied. 

“Neither can I,” said Jooheon. 

We were both silent for a moment, but it wasn’t awkward. I lay there in my own corner of the nighttime, listening to our breaths mingling over time and space. 

Jooheon spoke first. “I can’t stop thinking about you.”

They were the same words he’d said to me outside on the balcony at the party, moments before he kissed me. 

I wanted to kiss him right now. I wanted him beside me in my bed, not on the other side of the city. I wanted to be close to him. 

“I… I wish I was with you right now,” I admitted. I said it so quietly, almost to myself, but he heard me. He always heard me. 

“We need to tell him,” he replied a few moments later.

Those words carried with them a thousand hidden messages. They also said,  _ I wish I was with you right now, too. _ They said,  _ I don’t want this to be a secret anymore _ . They screamed,  _ Please, I want to be yours, but I want it to be right _ . They begged,  _ Be mine.  _

I knew because I could hear them in my own mind. 

I didn’t want Jooheon to be a whispered conversation, an interrupted moment, a yearning memory. Not anymore.

But, there was one thing I had to do first. 

“I should be the one to tell him,” I said. 

We both knew I was right. 


	24. Not a Love Song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N takes a chance...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm the worst :( the truth is I got distracted from this story because I started writing another BUT I will finish this one first, I promise! <3

A few days later, as I metaphorically stumbled out of a haze of biochemistry research Kihyun had dumped on me last minute, I was in desperate need of a drink. 

It didn’t matter that it was only noon. I needed tequila. Midterms were killing me, especially since I had to have something substantial to show for myself at the end of my second year as a doctoral student. I was almost grateful for the distraction from the chaos that was my personal life, but I was still desperate for a break. 

Minhyuk wasn’t home. He’d been locking himself away in the studio on campus working on his own midterm projects. Hyungwon was in Tokyo for work. Bora and Dami were out apartment hunting; they’d just announced to the rest of us that they’d be moving in together at the end of our current lease. 

I’d miss having Bora around. I also had a sneaking suspicion that Minhyuk might move in with Hyungwon soon, so I’d have to find something other than a three-bedroom apartment to live in. I’d probably end up in a studio closer to campus living by myself for the first time ever. 

All of my friends were in love. And I was alone. 

I sighed loudly, staring sadly in the refrigerator. I really needed to stop feeling sorry for myself. 

My phone buzzed with a message as I shut the fridge door. I desperately wished it wasn’t Kihyun sending me more data to analyze. 

But, it was Jooheon. We hadn’t spoken since our early morning phone call a few days ago. Partly because I was so busy (and I assumed he was, as well), but also because we both knew that I needed to come clean to Changkyun about us before we went any further. 

_ What are you doing today?  _ read the message. 

Honestly? With all of my friends busy and my brain fried from schoolwork, my plan for the day had been to park my ass on the couch and not move until I was forcibly removed. 

_ Nothing,  _ I typed back.  _ Why? _

His reply was instant.  _ Come to Hong Kong _ .

Um, what? Was that a euphemism?

_ What? _ I texted in reply. 

My phone started to ring. I wondered if I would ever get used to the thrill of seeing his name pop up on the screen, calling for me. I hoped not.

“Hong Kong?” I said in lieu of a hello.

He answered with a quiet chuckle. I couldn’t help smiling at the sound. 

“I’m here for work,” he explained. “I have this amazing hotel room with a view of the city and this ridiculously huge bathtub… I can’t stop thinking about how much I want to spend the night here with you.”

My breath caught in my throat at his words.

The desire to be near him struck hard again within me. I wanted to feel his skin on mine, taste his lips on mine. 

“I…” I breathed. “Okay.”

“...really?”

I laughed at the delighted surprise in his voice. 

“Yes, really.”

And that’s how, a couple of hours later, I found myself miles above the ground in Jooheon’s small but luxurious private jet. I’d never showered, shaved my entire body, and packed an overnight bag quicker in my entire life.

But, the reality of what I was doing didn’t actually hit me until we touched down on the tarmac. 

I was in another country. On a whim. I’d dropped everything and traveled across borders for… 

For what?

For sex? Is that all this was? An international booty call?

Something told me it was more than that, but I was also hesitant to get my hopes up. Everything was still so convoluted. I still hadn’t told Changkyun about Jooheon and I. I’d mentioned that before hanging up with Jooheon earlier that day, but he brushed it off and said I could tell him when I returned to Seoul. 

The need we felt for each other was so strong, neither one of us could help it. I knew we were being a little reckless and foolish, but isn’t that what love was?

Not that I loved him, of course. 

When the jet landed in a private area of the airport in Hong Kong, my stomach was a jumble of knots and butterflies. My heart had been fluttering for the entire journey, even as I attempted to get some quick schoolwork done. 

Jooheon’s manager, a pretty woman named Dior who looked only a few years older than us, met me on the tarmac. Jooheon, who said he would be just finishing up with work when I landed, said that she would be the one to pick me up and bring me to the hotel. I’d never met his manager before; I’d never met anyone at Honey Records other than his closest co-producers. 

It felt very VIP and deliciously scandalous to slide into the passenger seat of a shiny black Audi with tinted windows and impeccable leather interior. 

Dior was very quiet as she drove, and I found myself worrying what she was thinking. Did she think this was trashy? Transporting a random woman to her boss from his private jet? 

I cleared my throat, desperate to make conversation and ease the awkwardness.

“Thank you for picking me up,” I said, offering her a timid smile. “I hope Jooheon pays you very well.”

A few beats of tense silence followed.

And then she burst into laughter.

“Don’t worry,” she chuckled, glancing over at me with a sparkling grin and flicking on the turn signal as we pulled into the valet parking area of an unbelievably tall tower, which I assumed was the hotel. “He compensates me very well.”

“Oh, good,” I replied awkwardly, getting out of the car as Dior tossed the keys to the valet. Much to my surprise, Dior took my bag from me as she led me into the lobby. 

When we were alone in the elevator together, she turned to me with a gentle smile.

“To be honest, Miss Kim,” she said. “I find this whole thing very romantic. It took no convincing for me to help out.”

I blushed and looked down at my shoes. I was relieved she didn’t think I was a cheap hookup Jooheon was having a meaningless fling with. Though, of course, the more I got to know and understand Jooheon, the more I realized that really wasn’t the type of person he was.

“Has he ever… done something like this before?” I asked Dior as the elevator continued to climb and climb. I was glad I wasn’t afraid of height or enclosed spaces. 

Dior chuckled. “What? Sent his private jet several hours back to Seoul to fly a girl to him for a night?”

“Yeah, that, I guess.”

“No, never,” she replied. I could tell she was being honest. “In fact, I have not seen Mr. Lee ever care so much for a woman like he does for you, and I have been managing him since he was a trainee at the old company he left.”

My heart felt like it was in my throat. She believed that Jooheon cared for me. Like he’d never cared for any other romantic escapade. 

Dior continued speaking as the elevator doors dinged open and she led me down the winding halls of the stunningly beautiful hotel. 

“Mr. Lee is not a frivolous man when it comes to his heart,” she said. “It is strange because, as a young, rich, successful musician, you would assume he behaves like a playboy. Multiple girlfriends and scandalous affairs, all of that. But, the truth is that Jooheon is a very sensitive man. He loves very carefully, but also very deeply, and treats all people with respect. I often say to people that if you are lucky enough to know him, you will always know kindness.”

Dior’s words were so touching, I was practically speechless. It was nice to know Jooheon from someone’s perspective other than my own or Changkyun’s. His manager clearly cared about his well-being, which explained why she’d followed him from his trainee days through his risky business venture to his success today. 

I smiled gratefully at Dior as we stopped outside a door and she handed me a keycard. 

“Thank you again for your kindness,” I told her, bowing respectfully. “Jooheon really does surround himself with good people.”

Dior smiled and shot me a wink. “Yes, he does.”

And I realized she meant that included me, too. 

I watched awkwardly as she disappeared down the hall, presumably to her own bedroom. I stood there, staring at the door to Jooheon’s hotel room, heart pounding in my chest. 

Well, here I was. Hundreds of miles from home, heart on my sleeve, risking it all for a man who I just couldn’t seem to escape. Maybe I was being a reckless, impulsive fool, but I couldn’t bring myself to care. Life is short. Love is precious. 

I wouldn’t ever let myself miss the opportunity to live a beautiful life again. 

Nerves bubbled ferociously in the pit of my stomach. I closed my eyes.  _ Fear is useless and temporary _ . 

With a deep breath, I pressed the keycard to the sensor pad and pushed open the door to the hotel room. 


	25. Unravel Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N finally gives in...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is rated 18+ for sexually explicit content :) :) :)

At first, I was met with nothing but darkness and silence. Had Jooheon returned back from his work yet?

But, then my eyes adjusted to the light and I noticed a soft glow coming from the crack of a door that was slightly ajar on the other end of the entryway. 

I closed the hotel room door behind me, set my bag down, and took off my shoes.

“Jooheon?” I called out.

A strange noise like water splashing reached my ears, and then I heard his voice. 

So close, so real.

“Y/N,” he replied. “I’m in here.”

I followed the sound of his voice through the dimly lit room to the open door. Biting my lip as I pushed it open, I felt my heart thunder and crackle like a summer storm at the sight before me.

The bathtub Jooheon had told me about, massive and carved like an egg from smooth white stone, sat in the center of the bathroom. An enormous window offered the tub a breathtaking view of the Hong Kong skyline and the glittering night beyond. 

Dozens of tiny candles glowed around the bathroom, dotting every surface with flickering yellow bursts of light. The soft flutters of amber glow reflected on the surface of the water in the bathtub, which swirled with an intoxicating fragrance and a scattering of rose petals.

And Jooheon, his bare shoulders glistening with water, his black hair gleaming and slicked back, sat in the tub. Waiting for me. His eyes were dark, glimmering in the way that made the pit of my stomach tingle and my thighs shake. Jooheon was smiling softly at me, and I couldn’t decide where to look. His plump lips, his perfect skin, or the outline of his naked body underneath the water. 

I stood in the center of the bathroom, trying to catch my breath.

“Hi,” I whispered.

“Hi,” he replied, just as softly.

Steam rose up gently around him and I swallowed hard. God, I wanted him. I wanted him so much. I wanted him more than I could ever remember wanting anything before. 

“You should get in,” he murmured. “Before the water gets cold.”

And, at those words, I knew he felt the same. He wanted me, too. 

I mean, of course he did. He flew me here on a private jet. 

But, it wasn’t only like that. He wanted me in a deeper sense. I was so stupid, playing off our drunken hookup like a foolish, means-nothing adventure. Jooheon and I, from the very moment we locked eyes in that club, had a mutual connection. Like an invisible string, tugging us together. 

My lips curved upwards gently as I shrugged off my knee-length cardigan and let it drop to the floor. As I reached for the zipper of my dress, tugging it down with slightly trembling fingers, Jooheon kept his eyes locked on mine. A million words passed between us through our gaze, but not a single one was spoken out loud.

Only when the straps of my dress slid down over my shoulders and I allowed the satin to glide over my body to the floor, did Jooheon rip his eyes from my gaze. I watched his hungry stare follow my dress down to the cool bathroom tile and then slowly climb back up my body. I’d chosen not to wear a bra, and was therefore standing in front of Jooheon in nothing but a simple black thong. 

Though he was no stranger to sex, and certainly no stranger to the sight of my naked body, a delicate blush rose to his cheeks when I did away with my final piece of clothing. 

Neither one of us spoke, suspended in a break-taking, mind-spinning silence as I gingerly climbed into the tub. The candles glowed as I stood before Jooheon’s recumbent form, the pleasantly warm water lapping at the curve of my calves. 

I bit my lip, keeping my eyes on his as I took hold of either side of the tub for balance and sank down into the water on my knees, straddling his lap. Despite the steam and the candles and the body heat, a delicious chill ran down my spine as his proximity. At the almost instinctual way his arms instantly wound around my hips to pull me closer to him. At the way our lips hovered inches away, two pairs of fluttering eyelashes, synchronized bated breath. 

“You are so beautiful,” he whispered, his exhale fanning out across my collarbone. 

Slowly, I lifted a hand to run the tips of my fingers through his damp hair, pushing it back against his head. 

And then, like it usually happened between us, lightning cracked, a circuit exploded, a fizzle of electricity burst up our spines… our lips crashed together as if it was nature.

My body was on fire. My mind was a raging inferno. My hands knew only him, his silk skin, his taut muscles, his curving bones. I felt like a wildfire, desperate to consume, consume,  _ consume _ .

Desperate to be consumed by him in return.

He moaned, loud and deep into my open mouth, tugging me closer to his body. He adjusted his hips underneath mine as I clutched the side of the tub and lowered myself onto his erection without hesitation. 

I tossed my head back and gasped at the feeling of being so full so suddenly. An exquisite pleasure-pain ached between my legs as I moved my hips in slow circles to have him deeper inside. Jooheon whimpered, clutching my body against his with strong arms. He pressed his face between my breasts, breath coming out in sharp gasps. 

Tiny waves of bathwater lapped against the edge of the tub at the movement of my body on top of his. I glanced up and noticed the large bathroom mirror was facing me. I stared at my reflection as I fucked myself on a moaning Jooheon. My eyes were dark and desperate, my hair a wild mess, my cheeks a rosy red. I smiled at myself, at the version of myself that I was when I was with Jooheon. 

I liked this version of me. 

And I had to admit, I’d missed her. 

The pleasure was building between my thighs, but our position in the bathtub wasn’t right for hitting the best angle. Jooheon seemed to read my mind and loosened his grip on my waist, using his hands to guide me off of him in the water. I sat back as he stood up and I caught the briefest sight of his entire body, so flawless, dripping in milky bathwater, before he reached for my hands and pulled me up and out of the tub after him. 

After that, I lost track of the places and the ways he made love to me. 

Bent over the vanity counter, damp skin slapping as I met his eyes in the mirror. Pushed up against the wall outside the bathroom, thighs wrapped around his waist. On my knees on the plush cream carpet beside the bed, one hand clutching the bedside table for support. On my back in the silk sheets, ankles around his neck, holding onto the headboard with shaking hands. 

Our bodies couldn’t get enough of each other. It was as if the moment we thought we might be finished, a spark reignited and we burst into flames once more. 

I was no artist, but I wanted to paint pictures about the way I felt when Jooheon crooned my name into the bedsheets. I wanted to write poems about the dip in the small of his back, where I sank my fingernails while he pounded into me with an indescribably tender intensity. I wanted to sing songs about the curl of his hair on his damp forehead when he grabbed my thighs and yanked me closer to him before ducking his face between my legs. I wanted to pen novels about the tangle of sheets beneath us, the delicate melody of our sighs mingling in the dark, the muted glow of the sunrise blooming on the horizon. 

I wanted to build monuments as an ode to the pleasure that took my body hostage as I unraveled beneath him, over and over again. 

We stayed like that for hours. Starving for each other, wrapped around one another, unwilling to let go. It was like the invisible string that had been tugging us closer and closer over the past few months was now refusing to let us detach.

But, I wasn’t complaining. Every cell in my body craved Jooheon. Being near him felt…

It felt right.

It felt  _ so  _ right. 

At long last, when the sky became streaked with vibrant pinks and oranges, and neither one of us had an ounce of stamina left within us, we fell back onto the bed together and laughed. We were clearly both surprised by what we’d done, what we were capable of when fueled by nothing but our desire for each other. 

Jooheon entwined his fingers with mine and pulled my body against him under the blankets. I curved into him, the soft rise and fall of his chest pressed to my back. 

I sighed, sleep looming over me, but I didn’t want to close my eyes. No dream could ever be more beautiful, more peaceful than where I was.

“Promise me something,” he murmured, eyelashes fluttering delicately against the bare skin of my shoulder. 

“Hmm?” I replied, snuggling closer to him.

“Promise you’ll still be here when I wake up.”

His words somehow made my heart shatter and dance at the same time. They reminded me that it had been me who left him alone after our first night together. 

And, because of that, we spent months pushing each other away. Wasting time. Wasting our hearts. 

Of course, there was a lot more to our story than just the two of us. The entire thing had been complicated from the start. 

But, I felt like I could see the light at the end of the tunnel now. I knew that I wanted to be with someone new. I knew that I was ready for it. 

It felt like that someone new was destined to be Jooheon. Something deep within me told me to stop walking away from him. 

So, I pressed a kiss to his hand. 

“I promise,” I answered. “I promise I’ll still be here.”


	26. Love Kills

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N never saw that coming...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oooooops.... plot twist...............
> 
> 18+ for sexual content!

When I returned to Seoul, I became a woman on a mission. 

It was time to tell Changkyun the truth. 

Even though I knew him almost as well as I knew myself, I still couldn’t imagine what his reaction would be when he learned I’d slept with his boss mere days after our earth-shattering breakup. Let alone how he would respond to the news that it had happened again… and again and again and again… in a luxurious Hong Kong hotel. 

Not to mention the truth that I had only just managed to admit to myself: I loved Jooheon. 

I loved him in a way that was so different to the way I loved Changkyun, it took me eons to even realize that it was love that I was feeling. 

But, I knew now that love took many different forms, and just because one form was unique from another, didn’t make it any less precious. 

Changkyun, however, was a busy man. His debut album had blown up practically overnight and he was booked up like crazy with promotions and appearances. He even had his own manager at Honey Records now to help him coordinate everything. 

The nation loved I.M, the moody heartthrob with a deep voice and handsome face. I didn’t blame the public, nor did I blame the growing mass of fans he’d been accumulating. I knew what it was like to be smitten with Changkyun, to love everything he said and did. 

In fact, I was happy to finally have more people see him the way I did. He deserved that adoration. 

Still, because of his schedule, I’d had to wait several days before Changkyun was actually home long enough for me to come over. 

I was a bundle of nervous energy when I knocked on his door. Almost a year later and it was still strange to be knocking on the door of an apartment that I used to consider my second home, waiting politely for an answer.

But, when Changkyun finally opened the door and stepped aside to let me enter, I smiled. It had been a long time since we’d seen each other. In fact, we hadn’t interacted in person since the album release party Jooheon threw for him at his penthouse. 

He looked good. Really good. 

Changkyun’s hair had been dyed a pretty light brown color and was permed into charming waves. It was a style I’d never seen on him before, but I instantly liked it. It made him look even more boyishly handsome. 

I grinned at him and moved to go perch on the small sofa in his sitting room. Changkyun lived in a small studio apartment, which was really just one big open space with a bed, a couch, and a kitchenette. He’d never minded how simple his apartment was because he spent most of his time in the studio anyway. That was his real home. 

“Your hair looks nice,” I told him. 

He blushed and self-consciously ran a hand through it as he collapsed down on the edge of his bed, which was only a few feet away from the sofa. 

“I’m still getting used to it,” he replied. “But, I thought a change would be good.”

I nodded. “You look… good. You look happy.”

Changkyun offered me the soft, familiar smile that had been my heart’s home for the past two decades. Though I’d said my goodbyes to our romance, my heart still felt a pang of sadness for the half of my soul that had once been occupied by him. 

But, I knew that pain would continue to fade with time. 

“I’ve been good, yeah,” he answered. “You look good, too. Honestly, Y/N… you’re kind of glowing.”

I swallowed and glanced away. God, why was this so hard? We told each other everything our entire lives. Why was it so hard for me to open my mouth and tell him the reason I was glowing like the sun was because I’d stolen it out of the sky so I could wrap it up in a bow and give it to Jooheon? 

“Actually,” Changkyun continued. “I’m glad you asked to meet. There’s something I need to tell you. It’s something I should’ve been honest about last year.”

Last year? 

He’d been keeping a secret from me too?

That was not what I expected to hear. 

I furrowed my brow in confusion. “What do you mean?”

Changkyun sighed, his features dropping into the same frustrated frown he’d been displaying since he was young.

Then, heart clenching with anxiety, I watched him lean forward and drop his head into his hands.

“I’m the stupidest man alive,” he sighed. 

I didn’t have the faintest idea what he was going on about. What on earth had he been keeping from me? And why did a small part of me wonder if it could be worse than what I was keeping from him?

“What’s going on?” I asked. 

When Changkyun lifted his face to meet my eyes, I was horrified to see he was on the verge of tears. 

What was happening?   
  


“You’re going to hate me,” he murmured, though the look in his eyes was clearly begging for the opposite to be true. 

“That’s not possible,” I replied. I knew that, despite everything, I would never be capable of feeling hatred toward Changkyun. And yet, my anxiety grew tenfold. 

How was it possible that I’d come here to make a monumental confession to him, but it turned out that he was stealing my limelight with a groundbreaking admission of his own?

Changkyun sighed quietly and looked away. 

“Do you remember… when I told you what happened in Los Angeles last year?”

My heart withered at his words. The axe to our relationship. His unfaithfulness. He’d done the thing perhaps not even God himself thought Changkyun was capable of… cheat on the love of his life with a random girl at a music conference in America. 

I’d pictured her as blond and tan and blue-eyed and perfect. Silly and a little bit dumb maybe, but still charming enough to win Changkyun’s heart for a few minutes. 

I hated her for a while, yet I didn’t even know her name. 

But, the truth was, it wasn’t her fault. She probably didn’t even know Changkyun had a girlfriend of seven years who was also his closest childhood friend.

I rolled my eyes at my ex-boyfriend. “When you cheated on me? Of course I remember.”

Changkyun flinched. For some reason, he couldn’t meet my eyes. 

“About that…” he sighed. 

I froze. It was like my entire body turned to ice. My mind spun, desperate for him to elaborate.

“I… I never…” Changkyun dropped his head again and spoke to the floor. “It never happened.”

Several beats of silence followed in which I tried to make sense of his words.

“What?” I breathed.

Finally, Changkyun looked at me. 

“I never cheated on you,” he admitted.

I remained frozen to my seat, staring wide-eyed as Changkyun stood up with an exasperated sigh and began pacing. 

“There was a girl in LA, yeah,” he explained, still pacing, back to not meeting my eyes. “She flirted with me at a bar I went to with the guys, but I never cheated on you with her. The thing is, though… I thought about it. I  _ wanted _ to. And that’s when I realized that maybe our relationship wasn’t the perfect fairy tale we thought it was and you deserved far better than me.”

So, that’s what this whole thing had been? Changkyun believed he didn’t deserve me so he played a game of convoluted self-sabotage to prove to himself that I would be happier without him? 

A thousand emotions played tug-of-war on my heart, but I couldn’t figure out how to feel.

Instead, I sat there on his sofa, feeling small and out of control as the boy who held a piece of my heart crushed in front of my eyes for the hundredth time.    
  


“You…” my voice was trembling as I stared at him. “You lied?”

Changkyun paused his pacing and faced me. Tears in his eyes threatened to spill over and I couldn’t tell if the look of pure desperation on his face was coming from a place that begged for forgiveness, understanding, or punishment. 

But, my heart surprised both of us.

I softened. 

“You never cheated on me?” I whispered.

Changkyun looked like he was in physical pain. “No.”

“You lied about cheating on me?” I asked, my voice taking on a strangely calm tone. 

“Yes.”

“The destruction of our relationship was based on… a lie?”

Changkyun cringed. “I mean, our relationship ended for a lot of reasons. You know that. But, yeah, I guess the main reason was… wasn’t the truth.”

“And you kept this a secret for the past year?” I continued. 

He watched me warily as I straightened up off the sofa. We stood there facing each other, the air thick with a tension that was impossible to describe. 

“In the beginning, I wanted to tell you so badly,” he told me. “I hated myself for fucking up the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I wanted you back. I wanted to beg you to forget everything and go back to the way things always were.”

I listened to him, stunned. I could barely remember why I’d come to his apartment in the first place.

“But, then I noticed you seemed happy,” Changkyun continued. “I saw that you could be happy without me. That you could… could move on. That maybe, all along, even if I loved you with every cell in my body, you could be happier loving someone else. And I was willing to suffer if that was true.”

After twenty-four years of knowing Changkyun, I realized there were still parts of his mind that I didn’t understand. 

“So you believed that I was capable of being happy without you, so you convinced yourself that was the same thing as me being better off without you?” I asked. 

Changkyun shrugged. 

“Changkyun, I was miserable without you,” I replied, suddenly on the verge of tears. “You were the love of my life. I had to say goodbye to an entire future I thought I would have with you.”

I knew he saw the same exact future as me.    
  


_ …the backyard wedding, flowers in my hair, our mothers sobbing in the front row, a soft acoustic song Changkyun had written playing for our first dance… our first home together… the cheerful and inquisitive children we would have had together... the places we would travel together… the cities we wanted to love each other in… the life we would have had together… _

He had put an end to that future on purpose. Because he thought he didn’t deserve it. Because he thought I could do better. Because he thought he was allowed to make that decision for both of us. 

I should’ve been angrier.

He was right. I should’ve hated him. 

Why was I incapable of being angry at him?

“You’re good now, though, right?” asked Changkyun. “You’re… happy?”

_ You’re happy? _

My mind, as it was wont to do lately, went to thoughts of Jooheon, and I suddenly remembered why I was in Changkyun’s apartment in the first place. 

“Yes,” I told him. “I’m happy. Are you?”

Changkyun shrugged again. “I’m on my way there. I’ll always regret losing you. I’ll always love you. But, I think… sometimes things happen for a reason, you know?”

I did know. Sometimes Fate simply had other plans for us. 

The boy I’d once loved looked at me with a sad gaze. “Do you hate me now?”

And, inexplicably, I felt my heart bursting with warmth for him. 

The boy who always put everyone else’s happiness above his own. The boy who hated himself for even thinking of being unfaithful to his girlfriend. The boy who used to kick sand at the kids at school who would make fun of me for liking science. The boy who once cried because he couldn’t think of words good enough to describe how much he loved me. The boy who would always make sacrifices for the people he cared about, no questions asked. 

I loved him. I loved him so much my heart ached. 

The truth was…  _ I  _ was the one who didn’t deserve  _ him _ . 

Inexplicably, as Changkyun and I stood staring at each other in his tiny apartment, the energy suddenly changed to something unbearably familiar. 

“I could never hate you,” I breathed, my voice barely audible in the tense silence. “I love you.”

Even the world’s most renowned scientists, most accomplished philosophers, most sophisticated human behavior theorists could not explain what happened next.

As gravity dissolved, the earth tilted off its axis, and all the little people fell off our whirling planet and into space, Changkyun and I collided. 

It was bad. It was wrong. The earth shook with a million earthquakes and the sky exploded into flames. Outside the apartment, the entire universe crumbled apart and turned to ash, but inside… inside our tiny corner of the world, Changkyun and I tore each other’s clothes off. We kissed each other urgently. We touched each other like it was deliciously forbidden and we couldn’t get enough.

We collapsed into a tangle of limbs that should’ve felt chaotic and uncomfortable, but instead it felt like home. Our bodies fit together exactly like I remembered. Not quite perfectly, but imperfect in the most beautiful way. His touches, his sounds, every movement of his fingertips was like a breath of fresh air. It was everything I’d ever known--everything I thought I’d lost--in the palm of my hands again.

At some point, amidst the moans and the murmurs, Changkyun whispered, “Just one last time.”

I nodded. “One last time.”

Because we knew this was it. This was the last time. This was our final observance of the magic that was our bodies making love. The last time I would kiss his collarbone and cry out his name. The last time he would grip my thighs to pull me closer and whimper into the warm skin of my neck. 

We were saying goodbye. 

As my heart shattered yet again, jagged pieces ricocheting off the walls of Changkyun’s apartment, I also felt it healing. It was shedding a final layer. Ready to be born anew.

There was no way Fate had seen this one coming. 


	27. Cherry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N loses everything...

It went without saying, but after having sex with Changkyun a year after our breakup, I hadn’t managed to find the right way to tell him about Jooheon and I. The timing hadn’t been right. 

Of course, the timing had never been right. 

My mind was a chaotic mess of thoughts and emotions. In the span of a week, I’d made more of a mess of my life than I had in the entire past year. 

I’d flown internationally to make love all night to a man I loved, resolved to tell the other man I used to love the truth about it, and ended up making love to him again, too. 

Now, not only did I have to come clean to Changkyun about Jooheon… but, I had to come clean to Jooheon about Changkyun.

I was a trainwreck. 

Why did people love me? All I did was behave foolishly and leave destruction in my path. I thought of all the hearts I’d carelessly tossed around for the past year and felt a deep sense of self-loathing.

I’d taken what was supposed to be a fun opportunity to have a no-strings-attached sexual exploration and completely botched the entire thing. 

_ Don’t you wonder who you might be, just alone? Just you? _

The memory of Changkyun’s words echoed in my mind.

This is who I was when I was just me. When I was without him. 

I was selfish and greedy and I made stupid decisions. 

An incoming text broke me from my dark thoughts.

_ Are you on your way? _ said the text from Jooheon.

Despite my mood, I smiled at his name popping up on my phone. Maybe it was fucked up, but sleeping with Changkyun had only made me more sure that I loved Jooheon. 

_ Yes _ , I texted back.  _ Like 5 min? _

_ Swing by my office first?  _ he replied.  _ All I can think about is kissing you _ . 

I blushed on the sidewalk. 

_ Be there soon _ , I responded. 

I was on my way to Honey Studios to come clean to Changkyun. Attempt number two.

When I told Jooheon I’d be doing it today, he was elated. We would be one step closer to having no barriers between us. 

But, of course, I only felt anxious. Because I wasn’t only going to Honey Studios to tell Changkyun the truth. I had to tell Jooheon the truth, too. 

I thought back to the conversation Changkyun and I had yesterday, laying on our backs in his bed, panting to catch our breath after the chaotic, heart-stopping, desperate sex we’d had. 

He had sighed and turned to smile softly at me. “I think I needed that.”

I chuckled quietly. “Me too.”

“Honestly,” Changkyun said. “I think… maybe I’m not totally over you, and maybe I’ll never be, but… I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.”

I had been so relieved to hear those words. 

And yet, it still hadn’t felt like the right moment to tell him about Jooheon. I was still naked in his sheets, lips swollen from his kisses, hips aching from his love. I couldn’t bring myself to say it.

But, the fact that Changkyun was finally moving on filled me with hope for the future. It was sad, now that we were both ready to close the door on our once-beautiful love story, but it also felt good. Changkyun and I were on our way to living new futures, and not necessarily without each other, because we would always be a special part of each other’s life. 

When I reached Honey Studios, I pressed the button on the elevator for the floor above Changkyun’s studio. What harm could it do to go steal a few innocent kisses from Jooheon before coming clean?

My stomach squirmed nervously when I stepped off the elevator and made my way to Jooheon’s office. I’d never been on this floor, but he’d texted me instructions on how to find him. Sure enough, at the end of the hall, I found a small gold plaque engraved with  _ Lee Jooheon, CEO  _ next to a door that had been propped open a few inches. 

I knocked softly and then pushed open the door a little further to stick my head in.

“Jooheon?” I called out. 

Instead of a vocal response, a hand reached out for mine and tugged me into the large office. I laughed loudly as Jooheon pulled me into an embrace. 

“Hi,” I giggled, voice muffled in the soft material of his hoodie. 

“Hi, gorgeous,” he replied, a smile in his voice as he pressed a kiss to the top of my head. 

“I missed you,” I whispered, wrapping my arms tightly around his waist. It had only been a week since our torrid night in the Hong Kong hotel, but I never wanted to let go of him again.

Jooheon hummed happily, pulling back just enough to look in my eyes without breaking our hug apart. 

“I missed you, too,” he replied. His eyes were glowing brilliantly, pure joy emanating from him. Anxiety bubbled persistently in my stomach, but I forced it down. 

“I want…” he trailed off.

“What?” I asked, leaning forward until the tips of our noses touched. 

“I want to be with you,” he whispered, eyelashes fluttering as our breathing mingled. “I want to be yours. I want you to be mine.”

His words made my heart beat in double time. He’d never said it out loud, that he wanted to be a couple with me. Neither one of us had. For the past year, there had been this unspoken need between us. 

To hear it out loud, finally, felt like music to my ears. It felt like everything was falling perfectly into place.

“I want that, too,” I murmured, reaching up on my toes to press my lips to his. Jooheon dissolved into the kiss, pulling me impossibly close. 

And then the worst possible thing happened.

“Y/N?” 

The voice that interrupted Jooheon and I was soft, broken, and confused. 

And terribly familiar.

We broke apart instantly. 

My hand flew to my mouth, stifling a horrified gasp at the sight of Changkyun standing in the doorway of Jooheon’s office, staring between the two of us as if he had just watched someone die in front of him. 

“Changkyun,” I breathed.

A thousand curse words spilled across my mind. This was  _ not  _ the way I wanted this to go.

In fact, this was the last thing I ever wanted to happen. 

“You…?” Changkyun seemed at a complete loss of words. His gaze slid to Jooheon standing beside me. “Hyung?”

And then I watched something terrible occur before my very eyes. Changkyun was no idiot. In fact, he was incredibly intuitive. I could see from the look in his eyes that pieces were starting to fall into place. Inexplicable things were clicking; strange moments he witnessed between Jooheon and I over the course of the past year, weird questions and comments from his ex-girlfriend and his boss about each other, an endless stream of questions that he’d been forcing into forgetfulness in the back of his mind.

“The glass,” Changkyun said to Jooheon, eyes wide and full of shock, but growing colder and harder by the second. “Half empty, with the lipstick on it. And then you wrote that song with me. Drank yourself half to death in Tokyo with me. You  _ comforted  _ me.”

No, no, no, no, no… please, no.

The calculations in his eyes were plain as day. 

His eyes became icy cold, turning into a glare as they slid back to me. 

“This whole time?” he asked me. “This whole  _ fucking  _ time?”

It was a rare sight before me. In fact, I’d seen this happen only a handful of times in my life.

Changkyun was angry.

“You’re kissing him today!?” Changkyun half-shouted. My heart snapped clean in two at the sound of him raising his voice at me. “After you fucked me yesterday?”

I wish I could dissolve into the floor. I wish I could crush myself into a thousand pieces. I wish I could turn into smoke and ash. I wish I could be carried away with the wind. 

The silence that followed Changkyun’s outburst was unbearable. 

But, it was broken quickly. Jooheon turned to me. The look in his eyes was desperate, disbelieving, begging for it to not be true.

“What?” he asked me. “You and Changkyun… still…?”

My head spun. The two men I loved most in the world were looking at me as if they didn’t even know who I was. 

And I didn’t blame them. To be honest, I didn’t know myself anymore, either. Especially not in that moment. 

Changkyun shook his head and, without another second of hesitation, spun on his heel and left the room. Before I could say a word to Jooheon, he rushed after his employee and friend.

Without so much as a backward glance at me.


	28. If You Want Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N hits the lowest low...

“My life is over,” I sobbed, shoving my face into the smooth leather of the couch in Hyunwoo and Hoseok’s office at their gym. After Jooheon and Changkyun left me standing alone holding my own heart in my hands, I’d run from Honey Studios like my life depended on it and ended up at the closest place where I could find a friend: my neighbors’ luxury gym. 

Hoseok knelt on the carpet beside my head, running his fingers through my hair. Hyunwoo sat beside him, rubbing circles on my back. 

I cried harder than I had in months, barely able to breathe past the sobs. 

The entire scene was eerily reminiscent of the one that had taken place almost exactly one year ago in Minhyuk’s bed. 

Back then, I’d just broken up with the love of my life and couldn’t see a future ahead of me. 

Now, the man I thought I could have a new future with had walked away from me. 

In both situations, I was alone. I was left desperately trying to grasp at the strings of what I knew. 

But, of course, both situations were also very different.

A year ago, I’d been sobbing because of a situation that wasn’t my fault. The boy I’d loved my entire life had betrayed me (or so I’d thought) and everything I thought I knew dissolved into nothing overnight.

Today, it was all my fault. I’d betrayed the first and second loves of my life. 

“Your life isn’t over, darling,” sighed Hoseok. “I know it might feel that way, but this moment will pass.”

I sniffled and shook my head, keeping my face pressed to the couch. Maybe if I was lucky, I would suffocate myself. 

“You should’ve seen the way they looked at me,” I whimpered. “Especially Chang--changkyun… he--he--it was like he didn’t recognize me! And he’s kno-known me for my whole life!”

My voice trembled and stuttered over the words as I continued to cry into the muscular, yet tender-hearted, men in front of me.

“He was probably just shocked,” replied Hyunwoo in a soothing tone. “If I know Changkyun as well as I think I do, I’m sure he just needs a little time to process this new information.”

Maybe Hyunwoo was right about Changkyun in that respect. Changkyun wasn’t the type to hold grudges or dramatically cut people out of his life. Deep down, I knew I’d never lose him. 

But, Jooheon… I didn’t know Jooheon as well. Maybe one betrayal was enough to make him totally lose his trust in you forever. Maybe he wasn’t as patient or forgiving.

Maybe I had truly fucked up my chances to love again. All because I couldn’t control my emotions or keep my pants on or think logically for longer than three seconds.

God, who was I?

Part of me knew that Changkyun was justified in looking at me the way that he did. It made sense that he saw me as an unfamiliar stranger in that moment; I barely recognized myself anymore. This entire year was one big identity crisis for me. Perhaps there were some positive aspects to shedding old layers of myself, but it was only a matter of time until all of my destructive behavior caught up with me and I suffered the consequences.

I sobbed harder. 

As Hyunwoo and Hoseok huddled closer to comfort me, two familiar figures entered the small office. 

Glancing up from the couch, I blinked through my tears.

“Min? Bora?”

Hyunwoo or Hoseok must have called them or messaged our neighbor group chat. They stood up to make room for my roommates. 

Minhyuk sat down beside me and scooped me into his arms. Bora collapsed on the other side and wordlessly started rubbing circles into my back like Hyunwoo had been doing as I turned my face into Minhyuk’s shoulder and continued my pathetic sobbing. 

“I hate myself,” I admitted. Though the sentence was muffled by the sleeve of Minhyuk’s hoodie, I knew everyone in the room heard it. And, of course, while they all had rebuttals and reasons why I shouldn’t hate myself for this, I just couldn’t bring myself to listen to them.

\---------------------

I swam in self-loathing for days. 

My friends texted me constantly with uplifting memes and cute emojis. They invited me for dinner and drinks. My roommates and my neighbors tried desperately to corner me in our apartment building to ensure that, at the very least, I hadn’t decided to launch myself off the rooftop yet. 

I knew they were only trying to make me feel better, but I didn’t want to feel better.

I didn’t really believe that I deserved to feel better.

In fact, the more I wallowed, the more I felt overcome with shame. Not only had I spent months using various men for some kind of sexual adventure of self-discovery, but I had done so while my ex-boyfriend, the former love of my life, was drowning in misery because of the self-loathing-induced lie that ended our relationship. Not only had I romped around the city of Seoul without a care in my heart while Changkyun suffered in silence and didn’t even think of pursuing a new girl, but I used him as a crutch when my own self-worth was flailing. 

And that wasn’t even the worst of it. I’d slept with my ex-boyfriend’s boss, ghosted him in the morning, lied to my ex about it for a year, continued the lie while I slept with his boss again in a luxury Hong Kong hotel, and then turned around and fucked my ex instead of telling him the truth. 

The most terrible thing was that I couldn’t even understand my own actions. When I went to Changkyun’s apartment to tell him about Jooheon, I knew what my intentions were. All I wanted was to come clean, quell any anger, and then go to Jooheon and confess that I loved him. My entire goal had been to ensure that there were no more roadblocks between me and the man who I knew I was ready to begin again with. 

And yet… I’d thrown all of that out the window and made love to Changkyun. 

This is why I chose to study the hard sciences. Biology, chemistry… they made sense. They had rules and explanations and centuries of research to back it up. 

But, the human heart? It remained a mystery to me. 

I hated that I couldn’t explain it. I hated that, while I knew the intricacies of the heart’s anatomy, I couldn’t hypothesize away the actions that left me sad, pathetic, and alone. 

So, I threw myself into my schoolwork. I spent hours at the lab, eyes squinting at tiny wiggling cells through microscope lenses, hands cramping from taking notes for hours, feet aching from standing at the black-top tables mixing solutions all night. 

It kept my mind off of my personal life. Most of the time. 

It also gave me an excuse to be out of my apartment and to avoid the concerned stares of my friends. 

And yet, even in the lab, there was one wise man I couldn’t avoid.

“When’s the last time you ate something?” Kihyun asked me, hovering nearby as I fixed the focus on the high-tech, frightfully expensive microscope in front of me. 

I shrugged, fingers delicately turning the dials. 

“I’m serious,” Kihyun said. The tone of his voice insisted as much, but I continued working and avoiding his eyes. “You’ve been in here for a whole week practically. You need to have a meal. You need to  _ sleep _ .”

Neither food nor sleep sounded particularly appealing to me. I wasn’t hungry, my stomach too sick from the anxiety of self-hatred, and I hadn’t been able to fall asleep properly in days. Every time I was left alone in the dark with my thoughts, I could only think of the look on Jooheon’s face in his office when he realized the woman he had fallen for was a lying tramp. Or the way Changkyun’s voice sounded when he asked me,  _ This whole time? _

Gingerly, I lifted the petri dish of agar solution onto the microscope’s plate and adjusted the controls for another moment. 

Until, rather unexpectedly, Kihyun reached out and placed a hand over mine. 

I stared down at the table, instantly fighting back the urge to start sobbing at his tenderness.

“You don’t have to tell me what’s wrong,” Kihyun said softly. “But, I’m worried about you. I think even the eukaryotes are worried about you.”

Despite everything, I felt the very corners of my lips quirk upwards at his lame joke. 

“Now,” Kihyun continued. “I’m going to order food to my office and you are going to come and eat a meal with me. I’m formally instructing you to do so, as your doctoral thesis advisor. So, I better see you in there, sans lab attire, in twenty minutes.”

And with that, he left the lab. 

I appreciated his tough love. Everyone else was walking on eggshells around me, as if I would shatter at the slightest touch. It made me feel just as fragile, as if I really would break this time. 

But, Kihyun, as a fellow science geek, understood how my mind worked. He knew that, in times of pressure and distress, I needed order and symmetry. I needed firm guidance, the way our little petri dishes of microscopic cells needed our consistent prodding and encouraging to survive. 

I couldn’t survive on faith and hope alone, not at that moment. Faith and hope were too closely tied to love, and while I could explain love chemically and biologically, it was far too nuanced and ambiguous for me to depend on. Love had failed me. 

So, I obediently packed up the dishes and stored them back in the lab refrigerators, flicked off the microscope, wiped down the table, and headed down the hall to Kihyun’s office.


	29. Let Her Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Changkyun is getting really good at bro talks...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI - this chapter is in Changkyun's POV!

_ Changkyun’s POV _

I didn’t want to talk to Jooheon, but he was a hard guy to avoid. Not just because he was literally my employer, but also because I knew deep down, despite everything, he was a good person who never purposefully wanted to cause his friend pain.

In fact, it pained me to see him look so guilty. Of course, his guilt was mixed with the sadness of betrayal from Y/N. He was both the betrayer and the betray-ee.

But, I wasn’t very good at being angry. I never had been.

So I sat on the worn leather sofa of Jooheon’s private recording studio while he sat on a stool across from me. We probably looked quite similar at that moment. Both of us with uncombed hair, tired eyes, and rumpled clothing. Both of us visibly uncomfortable with the situation before us.

“I guess, first of all,” Jooheon began, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “As your employer, I want to make it clear that I value your work and your presence here more than I could ever describe. That being said, if you would like to part ways with Honey Records, then I will always support--”

“Whoa,” I replied quietly, cutting him off. I hadn’t even realized Jooheon’s mind had jumped to the possibility of me quitting his label. “I’m not going anywhere. This is my dream job.”

Jooheon exhaled, shoulders visibly relaxing as he momentarily dropped his head into his hands.

“Man, you have no idea how relieved I am to hear that,” he sighed. 

“However, I’ll definitely be writing a song about how fucked up you are,” I replied. 

Jooheon snorted, but I could tell he knew I was serious about my frustration.

So, I didn’t hold back.

“The most fucked up thing is that you  _ knew  _ how much I loved her,” I said. “You knew how much our breakup messed with me. Every single song I ever wrote was about her, and you’ve heard them all.”

Surprising myself, I felt my throat get tight as the words tumbled forth. Because it was true. I loved Y/N more than most people are capable of loving anyone, and I’d poured that into my music. Jooheon had listened to that music, praised that music, promoted that music, and knew all along exactly who I was writing it for. 

I carried on. “And you still did that to me, after calling me your friend. After writing a song about her  _ with me _ . After… fuck... After throwing me a party honoring the entire fucking album I wrote about her!”

Jooheon swallowed hard. I knew I didn’t need to tell him these things. I could see he’d spent every waking minute of the past week repeating those words to himself in his head. 

“Not to mention, you brought me to Tokyo with you when you saw how upset I was about our breakup… and the whole trip, you were coming down from the high of fucking  _ her _ , the love of my life, in your million-dollar penthouse the night before. And I didn’t even know. You called me your friend. You bought me drinks. You consoled me. For  _ months _ , you consoled me. And that whole time… that whole time…”

I trailed off, unable to hold on to the anger as I saw Jooheon crumple little by little in front of me. 

“You have to know--” Jooheon began, his voice thick as he blinked back tears. “You have to know that it was only that one time… at first. She was gone in the morning. And when I realized who she was and what I’d done, I knew I had to stay away. She knew that, too. We never… we… we spent months avoiding each other, but she’s just--”

And then, he burst into tears. 

Unsure what to do, knowing that comforting him about the tears he was crying for my ex-girlfriend might come off as a little strange, I sat there and stared at him. 

I pitied him. 

Because I could tell that he loved her. 

_ Really _ loved her. 

“You know I’ve never really dated anyone,” he continued, wiping at his face roughly and sniffling loudly. “I was always married to this dream, this goal of owning my own music label. Obviously, there have been girls along the way… but no one like her. She just… she blew me away.”

Jooheon stopped talking suddenly, biting his lip.

“But, I don’t need to tell you how amazing she is,” he said, shaking his head. 

Despite everything, I smiled softly. “No, tell me.”

“What?”

“Tell me about Y/N.”

“What do you mean?”

Jooheon was looking at me like I was a crazy person.

“Pretend I’ve never met her before,” I insisted. “And tell me about her.”

Jooheon raised his eyebrows at me in surprise, probably shocked that I wasn’t trying to punch him in the face or maniacally shredding his sheet music. We were both quiet for a few minutes, alone in his studio on the top floor, trying to navigate the tangled web of the last year.

He stood up from the stool and, instead of pacing or sitting somewhere else, he flopped down onto the plush carpet and lay on his back, staring up at the ceiling with a sigh. I shifted on the couch above him, unsure what he was doing, but not wanting to kill his vibe. 

“I guess that night at  _ Medicine  _ wasn’t really the first time I met Y/N, of course. I’d seen her before, I’d known she was your girl, but didn’t think much of her beyond that. There was no reason to,” Jooheon began. His voice was quiet, almost pensive. 

I settled back on the couch and did what I do best; I listened.

“But, there was something about her that night. Every time that I’d seen her before, she always looked so perfect. Not a hair out of place, not a button left undone, not an improper word spoken.”

He had a point. The Y/N I’d known my whole life was perfect like that. She liked order and organization. She liked to be sure of things.

I guess when we broke up, that part of her shattered.

“That night, there was this wild energy around her. She was alone at the bar, hair all messy, downing tequila like I’d never seen a human do. And I just… gravitated to her, almost like I couldn’t help myself,” Jooheon explained. “Man, she fascinated me. She was playful and mischievous. When she laughed, I felt like I was levitating. And I could tell she knew who I was--an idol, a celebrity, whatever--but I could also tell that she didn’t give a fuck about that bullshit.”

Jooheon spoke as if I wasn’t there, as if he was telling the walls a story. It was obvious to me that he’d been dying to speak these words aloud for over a year now. My heart felt a pang at that. Sure, he’d been keeping this from me for this long, but he’d also been keeping it from  _ everyone _ . 

Literally everyone. Even Jaebum, his closest friend. He’d kept his mouth shut even when his best friend slept with her and produced a song with her moans in it. 

How had he managed that? I couldn’t keep anything inside me. It all just burst out onto the sheet music and the microphone and the mixing software like it had a mind of its own. Hell, I wrote an entire album about her and gave it to the world. 

“When she told me you guys broke up, there was this voice in my head screaming for me to walk away,” Jooheon continued. “We weren’t that close yet, but I respected your talent, and I’ve never been one to get involved in other people’s personal lives like that. But,  _ fuck _ , Changkyun, the way that girl smiles at people…”

He didn’t need to elaborate any further. I knew exactly what he meant. 

“Usually when I have guests at my apartment, they go to the windows and they perform entire monologues about the view and the skyline and the city and the lights and the blah, blah, blah… but, when Y/N was there, she was quiet. So quiet. She just stared out of those windows in perfect silence. And then, ages later, at your album release party, she did the same thing. She somehow found her way out onto my private balcony and she stood there quietly, as if she knew that not every moment in life needs a fucking poem to describe it.”

It surprised me to see Y/N from someone else’s perspective. Her quirks and her mannerisms stood out to Jooheon and I so differently, it was almost like we each loved a different person. 

But, he was right about the quietness.

“It’s the scientist in her,” I said, speaking for the first time in several minutes. “She spends hours at microscopes, observing silently. It’s how she digests the world around her.”

Jooheon turned his head and smiled at me. 

But, then he grew quiet again and trained his gaze on the ceiling once more.

“It’s fucking annoying because it’s not even like I know her that well. Not as well as you do. I don’t know what she likes to eat for breakfast or what her favorite color is or how she orders her coffee…” Jooheon murmured.

_ Candy, forest green, hazelnut latte with oat milk… _ I answered automatically in my head.

“...but I want to, you know?” he said. “I want to know all of those things about her. I’m, like,  _ desperate  _ to know everything about her. Because, for months and months, she’s just been this beautiful woman I can’t seem to escape, but I knew it was so wrong to want more… and I was so ready to give in, but then she… you…”

I could tell he was close to tears again and I knew it was my turn to speak.

Clearing my throat, I shifted slightly. “I always think about how insane it is that, of all places in the universe, me and Y/N happened to be born in the same small village. Like, what are the odds that you and your soulmate would know each other from the very start and get to grow up together?” I said. “But, then I realized that the whole soulmate thing is bullshit. I’ve known her and loved her my whole life, but that doesn’t mean we’re destined to be together.”

I took a deep breath. 

“And I realized that last year,” I told Jooheon. “I was a dick. I was so stupid. I was in Los Angeles for that conference you sent me to and I saw a pretty girl and I found myself forgetting about Y/N for a few seconds. I hated myself for it. I had the privilege of calling the kindest, smartest, most beautiful girl in the world  _ mine  _ and I had the audacity to forget that? I ended our relationship because of that. I killed an entire future because of that. I ruined her perfect picture of forever. All because I had a moment of fear that Y/N and I weren’t meant to be and I was dragging her down and I’d continue to hold her back from true love for the rest of our lives and I had to set her free.”

Jooheon was staring at me, clearly shocked.

“I think it’s perfectly healthy and natural to think someone other than your significant other is desirable,” Jooheon replied. 

“Well, I understand that  _ now _ ,” I sighed. “But, I let her think I cheated on her and betrayed her. I let her hate me for something that never happened. I fucked up so bad. And… and I think when I finally told her the truth about that… I mean, Y/N has always been so full of passion. And I missed her so much, even though I knew I was over her. It was just… Jooheon, I really don’t know how it happened. But, if I’d known… if she’d told me that there was someone else and that she’d moved on, I never would’ve…”

Jooheon shrugged. “ _ We don’t reason where we feel, we just feel. _ ”

“What’s that?” I asked.

“Mark Twain, I think,” Jooheon replied. “I was gonna put it in a rap.”

We chuckled together and then fell into any easy silence. Thankfully, everything felt okay. Mine and Jooheon’s friendship would survive this. Mine and Y/N’s friendship would survive this. Everything would be okay. 

And I knew what my role here was.

I glanced down at my phone, which had buzzed with another text from Dr. Yoo Kihyun, a professor at Y/N’s university. I’d had a few meals with him back then. He was young like Y/N and I, and she always liked to encourage her separate connections to befriend one another. 

_ She’s back in the lab, probably until midnight when I’ll bribe the janitor to kick her out _ , read Kihyun’s text.

I’d forgotten we even had each other’s number until yesterday when Kihyun texted me that Y/N had gone full mad scientist and was barely leaving the lab. It reminded me of when I was at my lowest, locking myself in the studio for hours upon hours without food or sleep. 

And I knew that Y/N wasn’t just upset because I’d found out about the secret she’d been keeping in the worst way. It was clear to me now. When I unwittingly wandered up to Jooheon’s office last week, I had seen the way she looked at him. The way she touched him. The way she kissed him. 

She was heartbroken because she thought she’d lost another future. 

Jooheon clearly felt the same way. 

As weird as it was, it seemed obvious to me that, though the universe worked in cruel and confusing and mysterious ways, this was what Fate had intended all along. 

I cleared my throat.

“You love her,” I said simply.

Jooheon flinched. “I don’t know what I--”

“No,” I said, this time more sternly. “You love her.”

Jooheon shut his eyes and sighed quietly. 

“I’ve been meaning to ask you,” he said a moment later. “This tour I’m on in North America for the next month or so… you should come with me.”

The sudden change in topic was as obvious as it was unexpected. Jooheon was scheduled to leave in two days for a multi-city tour in North America. It was something solo artists from Korea rarely had the opportunity to do. But, the truth was, Jooheon had really made it big. He’d sold out sixteen venues in a country on the other side of the world.

And yet, he was lying on the floor as if his life was coming to an end.

“...What?” was all I could manage.

“Come with me.”

“Come with you to the United States of America?”

“Yes, come with me to the United States of America. Open my shows.”

“Come with you to the United States of America and perform on stage in a variety of venues around the country? The country that essentially controls the global music scene? Determines the trends? Decides fates?”

“Man, are you okay?”

I was speechless. I stared at him, unsure if he was being serious. He was in love with my ex-girlfriend, who’d I’d just had inexplicable goodbye sex with, and he wanted to invite me to perform on his tour in a country so few people in our part of the world got the chance to do?

Jooheon smirked at my reaction and sat up.

“I think it’d be good for us. We go to America and you can help me with some promo. You get your name out there, you make a little more cash, we have a chance to bond away from the mess that our lives are here in Seoul, and then we can come back with a fresh perspective on everything,” Jooheon explained. “It would really make me very happy if you agreed.”

So, he wanted to run away. He wanted space from Y/N. He wanted to distance himself from the pain she caused him. 

I didn’t blame him. Hadn’t Y/N done the same to me last summer when she disappeared to London?

Plus, he hadn’t denied that he loved her. He knew he did. 

But, there were things much bigger than our messed up love triangle. There was an entire world out there for both of us to experience. There were other successes to have outside of romance. 

I realized it wouldn’t only be good for Jooheon to have a friend on tour, but it would also be good for me to get away. 

“Yes, man,” I told him. “I’m in.”


	30. Somebody Else

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N and Changkyun finally end their chapter...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first part of this chapter is still in Changkyun's perspective, but it does switch back to Y/N toward the end!

_ Changkyun’s POV _

Normally when I visited Y/N in the biochemistry wing of the university, I waited outside of the labs. But, today, Kihyun had been kind enough to loan me his lab coat, as well as a pair of goggles from his classroom. 

“You’ve got close-toed shoes on, too, right?” Kihyun asked, peering over the edge of his desk to catch a glimpse of my feet.

“Yes, professor,” I smirked.

Kihyun rolled his eyes at me. 

“Mock me all you want, but if any hydrochloric acid ever spilled on your feet, it’d make dancing on a stage pretty difficult for you,” he replied.

“I don’t even dance,” I said. 

“Wait, really?” 

“Yeah, man,” I told him. “I mean I haven’t even really performed much, but I mostly just… walk around. You should come to one of my shows.”

“Sure thing, man, yeah, I’d love to,” said Kihyun. He was an awkward dude, but I liked his no-nonsense attitude. I understood why Y/N respected him so much despite his lack of seniority at the school. 

Before I left his office, I paused. “She’s not, like, doing anything super important, right? Like, if I startle her, she’s not going to accidentally burn the building down, right?”

Kihyun snorted. “What on earth do you think we do here?”

I shrugged. Honestly, even after years of dating a scientist, I knew next to nothing about biochemical research.

“She’s been artificially reproducing zygomycota for, like, days. I think she’s trying to build an army of fungi,” said Kihyun. “But, no, if you startle her, the worst that will happen is several thousand microscopic organisms will die. But, they can’t feel pain, so…”

“Right.”

“Good luck.”

“Thanks,” I replied, waving my hand awkwardly in goodbye.

When I reached the lab that doctoral students claimed as their own, I paused outside the door for a moment. This was either a very good idea that would have a halfway decent outcome, or I was about to make things much worse.

_ The only way is forward _ .

I took a deep breath and opened the door to the lab. 

She was so absorbed in her work, she didn’t even look up when the door opened. The overhead lights were dim, but a soft blue glow came from the microscope that Y/N was bent over, one eye trained on whatever was underneath the glass as she scribbled out notes on a spreadsheet on the table. 

Thankfully, she was alone in the lab, working at the table in the far back corner. Of course, it was technically the summer holidays; normal students were on vacation. 

As I approached, I could tell that she was aware of my presence. I could also tell that she knew it was  _ me _ . You don’t spend any entire lifetime loving someone and not learn how to identify them by the mere sound of their footsteps.

However, she didn’t look up. Not even when I stopped right in front of the table, less than a meter from her and the microscope.

Instead, eyes on the lens, she murmured, “What are you doing here?”

She wasn’t being cold, nor indifferent. It was more like she was doing her best not to give in to her emotions. But, if I still knew her as well as I thought I did, she could never do that for long. She was logical, yes, but also incredibly sensitive.

“Can we talk?” I asked.

She sighed. She continued to avoid my gaze as she swapped out the petri dish for another, fiddling with the various knobs that I didn’t understand on the side of the microscope. 

“I’m busy,” she replied.

“Is a fungus more important than me?” I said.

“No offense but, yes.”

“Y/N, can you please just at least fucking look at me?” I snapped, surprising myself.

The angry tone in my voice surprised her so much that she instantly tore her gaze from the lens and stared up at me. 

“Sorry,” I said, cringing. 

She blinked. “You have nothing to apologize for.”

I snorted. She was acting so strange, as if we weren’t Y/N and Changkyun, but just acquaintances on the street. It was almost like she thought that if she pretended nothing had happened, it would all be okay. 

It was an unexpected coping mechanism, but one that I could navigate.

“Are you joking?” I asked her.

She raised an eyebrow at my reaction. 

“Like, are you actually fucking joking right now?” I continued, allowing myself to feel the small bubblings of frustration in the pit of my stomach. “ _ I  _ have nothing to apologize for? Me? Im Changkyun? You think I’m innocent here?”

“You didn’t even do anything wrong,” she murmured, clearly taken aback. “What are you even talking about?”

“Shit, what do you mean, I didn’t do anything wrong?” I replied, raising my voice slightly. “The entire reason I’m standing here right now in a fucking biomedical lab cursing at my  _ ex _ -girlfriend is because I did something wrong! I am literally the reason all of us are in this situation.”

Y/N pursed her lips at me, but she didn’t respond.

“Actually, you know what? That’s not even true,” I continued. “We’re in this situation because I made a bad decision, sure, but also because  _ you  _ made a bad decision and because  _ Jooheon  _ made a bad decision.”

She visibly flinched at the mention of Jooheon’s name, which wasn’t very encouraging, but I carried on, fueled by an unfamiliar fire within me. 

“You don’t get to mope around and take all the blame here, Y/N,” I half-shouted. “You don’t get to shoulder my fuck-ups like that. You don’t get to be the villain. You don’t get to hate yourself and turn into some kind of mad scientist reclusive hermit. Babe, I don’t even  _ care  _ that you had sex with my boss anymore. I don’t even care that you did it mere days after we broke up; I don’t have the right to care! You know what I do care about, though? The fact that you kept it all from me last week  _ when I was fucking you!  _ And then, what? You were going to keep  _ that  _ from him the same way?”

She stared at me, mouth slightly agape. 

Somehow, though, after several painful seconds, her lips curved up in a timid smile.

“You’ve never yelled at me before,” she muttered.

I sighed, all the anger and fight drained out of me. It never lasted long. I just wasn’t the temperamental type. Especially not with her.

“Well, you deserved it,” I replied, my tone back to normal.

“I know,” she responded, idly twirling the pencil on the table. “I’m sorry, by the way. I never meant to hurt anyone. I just… everything about my life had always been so perfect, you know? It always made so much sense. Emotions were never a question for me. I knew I loved you. I knew you loved me. I knew we’d both keep loving each other forever, plain and simple.”

She sighed and flicked off the microscope. 

“But, when we broke up, I didn’t even know where to put my heart. I didn’t know what to do with it. I had all these feelings and thoughts that I’d never experienced before. It really fucked me up. I mean, I think it was important for me to go through, but it messed with me,” she admitted. “And, honestly, I’m good now. With us. I loved you. I feel so lucky to have loved you. I still love you, of course, just differently.”

I nodded. I felt the same way. “I love you, too.”

I watched her bite her lip and fidget slightly, fiddling with a glass dish containing an unidentifiable greenish substance. I leaned against the table behind me, unsure where to go from here. 

But, I realized I should just say it. 

“He loves you, you know,” I told her. 

At my words, Y/N’s fingers slipped and the petri dish clattered loudly on the table, but it didn’t shatter. 

Y/N shook her head at the table. “No, he doesn’t.”

“Y/N, listen to me,” I said, the sternness coming back into my tone. I was getting good at that. “That man? Lee Jooheon? He’s in love with you. He’s so in love with you that he’s losing his mind. This morning he quoted Mark Twain to me.”

Y/N snorted, but immediately became sober again.

“Even if he did care about me before, I ruined it,” she said. “His manager told me that he loves very carefully and that he isn’t frivolous with his heart. So, if anything, I’m just a lesson for him to be even more guarded in love. I’ve probably traumatized him.”

“Well, there’s only one way to be sure,” I replied.

Y/N rolled her eyes at me. “I don’t think he wants to talk to me right now.”

“I don’t think so either,” I admitted. “But, he’s leaving on Thursday for a five-week tour in the States. I’m going with him. And I think when he comes back--when we’ve all had time to process our emotions--he’ll be happy to see you.”

“You’re going on tour with him?” she asked, face lighting up.

I nodded, unable to stop the grin from spreading across my features.

She smiled at me. Jooheon was right about her smile. Something about it made me feel like I believed in something even greater than God. 

“I’m really proud of you,” she told me, her voice soft. “You know that, right?”

“You’re so cheesy,” I fake-groaned, but I opened my arms for an embrace and she stepped into them in a heartbeat. 

\-----------------------

_ Y/N’s POV _

Despite how well my unexpected encounter with Changkyun had gone in the lab earlier, I was a tornado of emotions. I felt relieved that Changkyun and I had finally reached a place of friendship without all the uncomfortable subtext of ex-lovers, but there were so many other jumbled thoughts tied in with my memory of our conversation that I found myself shaking as I climbed the stairs to my apartment.

Much to my dismay, the janitor had revealed that Kihyun had paid him to kick me out of the lab at midnight, but that he didn’t want to be unkind to me. I ended up packing my bags and leaving, but not without buying him a coffee for his trouble and his kindness. He was, after all, the one who had to clean up around the monstrous zoo of fungi I’d created in the lab. 

Bora moved out a few days ago and Minhyuk had texted that he would be at Hyungwon’s tonight, though he insisted he could be home “immediately” if I needed him. So, it would be another night alone in the dark with my head and my heart. 

I should’ve snuck back into the lab after the janitor left. Anything to keep myself distracted.

Because Changkyun’s words were twirling around my mind ferociously. 

_ He loves you, you know. _

_ He loves you. _

_ Loves you _ . 

I took a deep breath as I walked down the hall to my apartment. 

I couldn’t bring myself to believe in Changkyun’s words. I couldn’t bear it to have hope. I knew that if I dared to hope that Jooheon loved me and could forgive me, only for that to not be true, I would really be crushed for good. My heart had already shattered so many times, I was certain there’d be no way of putting it back together again. 

Swallowing back the tightness in my throat that threatened oncoming tears, I fumbled for my keys at the door. 

_ He’s in love with you _ .

The keys tumbled out of my hand before they could make it to the door, clattering on the tile. I cursed and stooped to pick them up. My hands were shaking, eyes blurring with tears as I brought the keys to the door once more. 

_ He’s so in love with you that he’s losing his mind _ . 

The keys slipped out of my hand once again. I groaned in frustration and collapsed onto the floor beside them. Like a pathetic baby, I started sobbing into my hands, curling up against my own front door. 

_ That man? Lee Jooheon? He’s in love with you _ .

God, I messed up. I messed everything up. I messed up so bad. I’d had something so perfect within my reach, right in front of me. A kind, caring, talented, charming, sexy, beautiful, incredible man… who loved me. 

And I ruined it. 

I realized this is probably exactly how Changkyun felt when we broke up last year. The thought only made me cry harder, because I’d never wish these feelings on anyone. 

The door down the hall opened and I glanced up to find Hoseok coming down the hall toward me, brows knitted with concern. Behind him, Hyunwoo poked his head out of the doorway. I’d probably been making a ridiculous amount of noise at the late hour. 

“Hey, love, come here,” Hoseok sighed. 

His tone was so gentle that it only caused me to cry harder. Much to my surprise, he reached down and scooped me up into his arms like I was nothing more than a few kilos of rice. Wordlessly, he carried me back to his apartment and laid me down on their sofa. 

“I’ll make you some tea,” said Hyunwoo, bustling off into the kitchen. 

“Come on, it’s okay,” whispered Hoseok, sitting down beside me and pulling me into his lap. He stroked my hair gently, humming softly as I let out some last few trickling sobs. 

As I wiped the tears from my face awkwardly and sat up, Hyunwoo wandered back into the room with a steaming mug of tea.

“It’s chamomile,” he said, offering it to me. “Bora said you were having trouble sleeping.”

The kindness of my neighbors and my friends was so touching that I almost started crying again. I held it back though, and accepted the tea gratefully. 

“Can you tell me a story?” I asked, feeling like a child as Hoseok guided me back down onto his lap and covered me with a blanket. 

“What kind of story?” asked Hyunwoo.

“How did you both know when you were in love?” 

Hoseok laughed quietly. “I think those are two completely different stories.”

“Love is like that,” added Hyunwoo. “Messy and complicated. It doesn’t really make sense, does it?”

_ He loves you _ .

“No, it doesn’t,” I sighed. 

As my eyes grew heavy with exhaustion, Hoseok continued to stroke my hair. They were quiet with each other as I lay there between them. Hyunwoo played some soft music on his phone and hummed along as I drifted closer to sleep. 

“You’re going to be okay, Y/N,” murmured Hoseok. “Everything is going to be okay.”


	31. Everytime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N finally makes Fate smile...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it... the final chapter. The ending of everything... 
> 
> The next "chapter" is a playlist. I hope you like it :) 
> 
> ALSO fyi - there is a 6 week time jump prior to this chapter. So this chapter finds us now 6 weeks after what happened at the end of Chapter 30.

_ Six weeks later _

“I’m not a big fan of the couch,” sighed Hyungwon. “But, Minhyuk picked it out, so I’ll learn to love it.”

“Well, if you’d like, Y/N can grow you a new one,” offered Kihyun. “She’s gotten quite good at creating fungal infestations.”

“That’s both disgusting and fascinating,” snickered Dami. 

“Maybe you should switch from biochemistry to botany,” added Bora.

“Actually, you should check out one of the plants in our apartment when you get a chance,” said Hoseok. “I think the leaves have some kind of weird fungus on them.”

“No, I told you,” replied Hyunwoo. “That’s how it’s supposed to look.”

Minhyuk clicked his tongue and shook his head mockingly. “Married couples.”

I giggled when Hoseok shot him a glare from across the room. We were in Minhyuk and Hyungwon’s apartment, a glittering, stylish penthouse in a Gangnam highrise. It was exactly what I expected of my internationally-famous model best friend, but we were actually all there to celebrate the first postgraduate sale of one of Minhyuk’s paintings. 

Apparently, it sold to an anonymous girl in Paris for several thousand euros. Minhyuk could hardly believe it, but we knew all along he was wildly talented. Plus, I may have texted a few photos from his debut gallery exhibition to Hyungwon’s friend Rosé in France. After making a purchase of her own, she let me know this morning one of her friends in London wanted to contact Minhyuk about a commission in the next few days.

Soon enough, Minhyuk would be able to buy a Gangnam apartment of his own. But, he wouldn’t leave Hyungwon’s side. Those boys were a package deal.

I smiled as we toasted to Minhyuk’s success. For the first time in a while, I felt truly happy. 

Sure, I was surrounded by three incredibly happy couples (and Kihyun), while I remained utterly single, but I was also surrounded by seven of my closest friends. 

And that’s what I chose to focus on. 

Because the hard truth was… Jooheon and Changkyun had already been home for a week now, and both had been silent. Fresh off an insanely successful North American tour, buzzing from the wildness of the American fans, and probably more like brothers than friends. I had to admit, after I’d hiccuped and whimpered my way through the first couple weeks of loneliness, I’d spent a long time scrolling the internet for videos of them performing abroad. 

And they were so amazing. 

Especially Jooheon. 

I remembered the first time I saw him perform live. Anyone who watched him on a stage could see that he was born to be there. Even those who didn’t understand a word of our language were entranced by him. 

Despite my determination to not be, I became hopeful. But, it wasn’t all on my own.

In New York City, the final stop of their tour, Jooheon came out for his encore. I saw the video on a fan’s twitter account during some late-night, albeit pathetically nosy keyword searches. 

“I’ve, uh, I’ve actually never performed this song before,” Jooheon had said to the crowd. His accented English was unbearably endearing. “You guys will be the first ones to hear it. It’s okay… you can record it! I will release the studio version soon.”

The crowd had gone absolutely crazy. They loved him. They loved his music. Thousands of miles from home, he had thousands upon thousands of people who cheered for him and wanted nothing more than success for him. I was so proud to know him.

“Anyway… I am going to sing,” Jooheon had continued saying in the video. “I don’t do it often, but I’ve been practicing. So, this song is about a girl. She’s a beautiful girl. I love her. I love her very much.”

And I hated myself for hoping that it was about me. I hated myself even more for trying to convince myself that it wasn’t about me. After all, maybe he met the love of his life on the flight from Seoul to America. Maybe he met her at one of the concerts. Maybe he met her on the streets of a beautiful foreign city and she didn’t even know who he was, but they fell in love fast as lightning.

After all, the song was in English. 

Yet, the lyrics were far too specific. Smooth melodies about late-night calls and candlelit rooms. A chorus about city lights below and above. Whispered conversations and a wildfire of desire. 

Surely, it was about us. 

But, he was home now. And I hadn’t heard a word from him. 

For over a year, Jooheon and I seemed to be connected by an invisible thread. We collided in the most random places, at the most random times. We couldn’t seem to escape each other, as if the universe was trying to tell us to stop staying away from one another and kept scooping us up and crashing us together. But, maybe that was over. Maybe the universe was done with us. 

Maybe we’d had our time and it was beautiful and precious, but it was only meant to last for a little while. Like Changkyun and I. Like all the people we love throughout our lives. 

“Hey,” murmured Minhyuk into my ear as the others disappeared to go play a strange, drunken version of charades on the patio. “You okay?”

I shrugged, but I wasn’t even lying when I offered him a small smile and said, “Yes, I’m okay.”

Later that night, after I hitched a ride with Dami and Bora back to my new studio apartment that I’d found in their artsy neighborhood, I lay in bed and stared up at the ceiling. 

And, because I clearly liked to torture myself and reminisce on beautiful memories when I was at my weakest, I thought back to that night months ago, when I finally said goodbye to the future I always thought I would have with Changkyun. I thought back to how, after I combed through every possible human emotion, I lay in bed alone just like I was at that moment and I thought about Jooheon.

When I thought about him back then, my phone rang with his call. There was a funny way about us, and I remembered how much it frustrated me at first that I couldn’t seem to shake that annoying, dimpled, black-haired boy, no matter how much I tried. 

Tonight, as I thought about him, my phone remained still and dark. 

I sighed quietly and managed to doze off, soothed by the midnight sounds of the city. 

Until, moments later, my phone began buzzing on the pillow beside me. 

And I didn’t need to look to know who it was.

“Hi, Jooheon,” I answered, the same way I had months ago. As if it hadn’t been months since we’d been near each other, as if we weren’t separated by a chasm of unspoken words. 

“You’re awake,” he replied, mirroring our conversation on that night. 

My heart swelled at the sound of his voice. Honey sweet, soft like velvet. Just like I remembered. All those videos I watched hadn’t done it justice. 

“I can’t sleep,” I admitted. It was as if we were following the script from the very memory I was mulling over before I drifted into sleep.

“Neither can I,” said Jooheon. There was the whisper of a smile in his voice. He knew we were repeating the same conversation from before. 

But, it wasn’t like before. Not really. Before, I hadn’t yet flown to Hong Kong to make love to him until the sun rose. Before, I hadn’t yet realized I was in love with him. Before, I hadn’t known the truth about Changkyun’s motivation to end our relationship. Before, I hadn’t messed everything up. Before, everything hung in a precarious balance and we knew it was going to explode sooner or later, but neither one of us wanted to admit it.

Now, both of us were laid bare. There was nowhere to hide. No excuses. Our separate relationships with Changkyun were patched and there was no more triangular mess of knots between us. 

Now, it was just us. Suspended in space and time. Listening to each other’s silence on the other end of the line.

Jooheon spoke first. “I can’t stop thinking about you.”

My breath caught in my throat. 

_ I can’t stop thinking about you _ . 

How many times had he said those words to me? Outside on the balcony mere seconds before we kissed above the city. Again, during a moment much like this one, as we lay in darkness miles apart from each other, yearning to be close. And now, with uncertainty bubbling in the pit of my stomach. 

I felt at a loss for words.

So I said the same thing I’d murmured into the phone months ago. 

“I wish I was with you right now.”

The words had never been truer.

“Come meet me,” he replied. 

“Now?”

“Now,” he insisted.

I glanced at the clock. It was two in the morning. But, it wouldn’t be the craziest thing I’d done for him. 

“Please don’t tell me you’re in Hong Kong again,” I whispered.

He laughed. The sound made my heart glow golden like the sun. 

“No, just in the park. The one down the street from your new place.”

I gasped. He was so close.

“How did you know where I moved to?”

Jooheon chuckled nervously. “Hyungwon and Minhyuk are very helpful.”

I grinned into the darkness. Next time I saw those stupid, lovesick boys, I was going to kiss their cheeks until they had to slap me away.

“Will you come down?” he asked.

There was a nervousness in his voice. Did he really think I wouldn’t? Did he still not know that I would move mountains, hold up the sky, and turn the planet inside out for him?

“Yes,” I whispered. “I’ll be right there.”

I couldn’t move my body fast enough. I shoved my feet into a pair of old AF1s and hurried out of my building dressed in the baggy sweatpants and touristy London tee I’d gone to sleep in. I didn’t care. All I knew was that I needed to see him. I needed to be close to him. 

The park was only a five minute walk from my building. Or rather, a two minute jog when you’re desperate to see the man you love. 

I found him immediately, sat in the grass at the top of a hill, gazing up at the stars. The city lights didn’t offer much for illumination, but I would know the shape of him anywhere. He stood up when he spotted me running toward him. 

When I reached him, I stopped short. We stood there, a meter apart, staring at each other. 

I had missed him. My memory had tried its best to do him justice, but there was nothing like seeing his stunning perfection in person. 

“Hi,” I whispered. 

“Hi,” he replied.

Another beat of silence passed between us. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to cry or laugh or simply throw myself into his arms. From the look on his face, it appeared he was also struggling through the same decision-making process. 

“You are so beautiful,” he breathed, his voice blending into the night around us. 

I settled on throwing myself into his arms. 

He caught me immediately, wrapping me up in his embrace as if it were the most natural thing in the world for the two of us to be close to each other. I clutched at him, wrapping my arms around his shoulders, pressing my body into his. 

Jooheon captured my lips in a kiss and every star in the sky burst into a firework of wonder. 

“I love you,” he gasped between kisses. “I don’t think I’ve told you that.”

“I love you,” I breathed in reply, speaking fast because I couldn’t stand our lips being apart. “I don’t think I’ve told you that, either.”

We stayed like that, kissing under the sky, whispering  _ I love yous _ between inhales and exhales.

At last, Fate smiled. 


	32. Author's Note

First of all, I really want to say thank you to everyone who read this story, left kudos, and commented. I've never written fanfiction before, but have always loved creative writing, so I figured that I would take my love for kpop and go for it :)

At first, I felt really inspired by All About Luv (go stream it!!!!!) to write this story.  More than anything else, however, this story came from a lot of personal experience. Not in terms of dating/sleeping with kpop idols, of course (lmao), but in terms of a really special relationship that I had with someone. 

You may have noticed that the titles of these chapters have some familiar names. I think it goes without saying, but I really love music. We all do. Especially the music that Monsta X has written for us. Obviously, this story itself is named after a song. Initially, I had intended to name each chapter after a song off AAL, but then as it all started to unfold, I didn’t have enough songs to use. I guess I could’ve named the chapters after any of Monsta X’s songs, but as a Korean-American, it felt like it would be fun to mix it up and use some of my favorite western songs. 

Anyway, long story short, below is the playlist of Mohae the story written by me, Ellie :)

  1. Someone You Loved - Lewis Capaldi
  2. Happier - Marshmello & Bastille
  3. Love is a Bitch - Two Feet
  4. Remember - KATIE
  5. Best Years - 5 Seconds of Summer
  6. Kissing Other People - Lennon Stella
  7. Younger - Ruel
  8. Out of Love - Alessia Cara
  9. Not Thinkin Bout You - Ruel
  10. Phases - PRETTYMUCH
  11. Bad - Lennon Stella
  12. Feel Something - Bea Miller
  13. Hurts Like Hell - Madison Beer & Offset
  14. No Instructions - KATIE
  15. Hurts So Good - Astrid S
  16. Supercut - Lorde
  17. Sweatpants - Lauv
  18. Selfish - Madison Beer
  19. If We Were Made of Water - Banks
  20. Breakaway - Lennon Stella
  21. Ruin My Life - Zara Larsson
  22. Talk - Khalid
  23. Hard Sometimes - Ruel
  24. Not a Love Song - Bülow
  25. Unravel Me - Sabrina Claudio
  26. Love Kills - KATIE
  27. Cherry - Harry Styles
  28. If You Want Love - NF
  29. Let Her Go - Passenger
  30. Somebody Else - The 1975
  31. Everytime - Ariana Grande




End file.
